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The GORSKYS.COMedy Jokes Collection is a range of old jokes sent in by readers in the late 90’s. We no longer accept jokes as we have since vowed to write our own instead.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
“That is the talking clock”, the man replied.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked.
“Watch”, the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall ” KNOCK IT OFF YOU ASSHOLE!! It’s two o’clock in the bloody morning!!!!”
A murderer is taking a little girl into the forest.
Little girl: “I’m scared!!”
Murderer: “How d’ya think I feel..I’ve gotta walk back on my own!”
Simon Hannon
How do you tell the difference between cow shit and bull shit??
Throw it in the air and if it comes down it’s cow shit but if it stays up it’s bull shit!!
Q) Whats black and red and sits in a tree?
A) A Crow with a fat..
Q) How do you know that the female body was designed by the Board of Works?
A) Who else would put a playground near a sewage outlet?
Q) What do you call a brunette with bad breath?
A) An upside down blonde…
Q) Whats got 2 legs, lots of hair, long ears and bleeds a lot?
A) Half a rabbit..
Q) what do you call a prostitute with tattoos all over her?
A) a scenic root.
Q) What does a cannibal do when he dumps his girlfriend?
A) Wipes his ass
Warwick Browne
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent.”
Warwick Browne
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.]
SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Gill Carr
Serenity Poem
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow
Gill Carr
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Short Version:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs.(no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.(no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth.(you don’t use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair.(do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee down the drain
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.
18. Lay on bed naked and wet hoping the flash aroused the girlfriend/wife.
19. Yell out to your girlfriend/wife to let her know you’re on the bed naked.
20. Fall asleep
Long Version:
Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap
Forget #19 altogether
Gill Carr
How does a NZ’er find a sheep in long grass?
Veeerrry satisfying.
Ian Mclean
Why do you wrap guinea pigs in gaffa tape?
So they don’t pop when you fuck’em.
Ian Mclean
What do you call a Holden Camira on the top of a steep hill?
A bloody miracle.
Ian Mclean
How do you double the value of a Holden Camira?
Fill up the tank.
Ian Mclean
What is the most efficient way to service a Holden Camira?
Remove the plugs, air filter, oil filter, drain the oil, and get rid of the bloody car!
Ian Mclean
A NZ’er counting sheep…
’29, 30, 31, Hello darling, 33, 34…..’
Ian Mclean
A couple had just got married. On the wedding night, the groom threw the bride a pair of trousers at the bride and said “put these on!”
The bride replied.. “I’ll never fit into those”
The groom said “and remember, I am the one who wears the pants in the relationship”
With this, the bride pulled off her panties and threw them at him. “Try these on then!”
“I can’t get into those!” he exclaimed.
“Keep that attitude, and you never will!”
Ian Mclean
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job-if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to easily communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.
The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.”The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?”
The deaf man signs, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?”
The deaf man signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his dick in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to.. to . . cut it off, are you???!?”
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine.
“Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these,” announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, “Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!”
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face and the egg is frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in particular “I guess that answers THAT question”.
Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?
David: Yes it was great – we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers.
Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?
David: Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk.
Mother: But who said they were called, er, fuckers?
David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them “effers”, but we all knew what she meant.
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: “The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Irishman was thinking: “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!”
Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So they don’t poke you in the eye.
A giant Nubian slave had fallen out of favour with Nero for some misdemeanour or other and was sentenced to die.
He was duly taken to the Colosseum and before a large crowd was led into the arena to await the relesae of a lion and presumably, a nasty death..
Upon the signal from Nero, the lion, a mean and hungry beast, was released and almost immediately sighted our poor slave and without much ado, the lion pounced. However, the Nubian was no slouch and with near lightning speed, punched the lion full on the chin, lifting it high off the ground and spreadeagling it onto the dusty Colosseum surface.
The crowd booed vociferously and Nero ordered the man to face another lion.
This time, before releasing the animal, they tied the Nubian’s hands behind his back. The second lion was released and promptly flew at the slave who very deftly landed a sharp kick to the lion’s underbelly knocking it unconscious against the walled perimeter of the arena.
The crowd, angry at being denied their usual blood and gore, booed more loudly than ever and Nero once more ordered a third lion into the attack.
This time, to make sure the slave met his fate, they tied his feet together and then trussed him in a kneeling position hand and foot. The lion was relaeased and after stalking his prey for a few seconds, pounced , but the Nubian was certainly no slouch and with a deft movement of his head, he butted the lion on it’s forehead, knocking it senseless.
With that the crowd booed at an even greater pitch and a near apoplexic Nero, rose to his feet and cried, “play fair you black bastard”.
Did you hear about the guy who got a Viagra pill stuck in his throat?
He had a stiff neck all night.
Medical Resident
Three guys, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
“What’s it to be?” asks the beautiful barmaid.
“Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi”, says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. “Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui.”
Up steps the Scotsman. “Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.”
“Oh bugger this” say’s the beautiful barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
“Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi,” says the Englisman.
“Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui,” says the Irishman.
“Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th,” says the Scotsman.
“Look” says the beautiful barmaid rather irately. “If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering then I’ll let you shag me”, of course quiet confident that no one will win.
“So,” she says turning to the Englishman, “where do you live?”
“M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch”, he stammers.
“No, you lose” says the beautiful barmaid. Turning to the Scotsman, “Where do you live?” she asks.
“E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin”, is all he can force out.
“No, you lose,” says the beautiful landlady. “And where do you live?” she asks the Irishman.
“London,” says the Irishman.
“Oh bugger” says the beautiful barmaid. A great cheer goes up in the pub but the beautiful barmaid agrees to meet her side of the bargain. She reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, and then hops into bed.
The Irishman climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out “……………..D D D D D Derry!!”
Adrian Russell<
Joke Collection (8)
