Worst Things To Say When First Meeting Your Cyber-lover in Real Life

When you said you liked animals, I didn't think you meant like that.

Readers Hints

• When I told you I was an life saver, I lied. I really weigh 205.
  HpN [23 Mar 2003]
• Oh, it is so nice to meet you this close. It is so much better then when I'm talking to you on the net, while hiding in the bushes under your window.
  HpN [23 Mar 2003]
• Oh, I thought your picture was upside-down.
  HpN [23 Mar 2003]
• No, you're not ugly...this blindfold is because of my...sensitivity to light?
  Ashley Peterson [23 Mar 2003]
• Oh my God, Mum. Why didn't you tell me you were unhappy with Dad.
  Brian Vo [24 Mar 2003]
• I'm sorry i just remembered an appointment with the barbers, they mightly slit my throat for free.
  N A [24 Mar 2003]
• GRANDMA?!?!?!?! WHAT THE...
  Will G [24 Mar 2003]
• Mary... why is there a bulge sticking from between your legs?
  Will G [24 Mar 2003]
• I thought you was the one on the left in the pic. NOT your left, my left.
  Pegasus All man part horse [24 Mar 2003]
• Can you pinch me? I think i'm having a nightmare.
  Stephen Carmody [24 Mar 2003]
• I've gotta be back home by 9.30, or my mom will get mad at me....
  Will G [25 Mar 2003]
• You just gave me an erection
  Will G [25 Mar 2003]
• Richard, I know you told me you had a birthmark on your face... but you never told me it looked like a DICK!!!
  Lost Soul [25 Mar 2003]
• Oh, Im sorry... I thought the one in the picture was your pet chimp...
  Lost Soul [25 Mar 2003]
• Well, all things said, you really are an expert on how to use all the features of Photoshop for doing image touch ups.
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• Do you mind if we stick by our chat room names, I think I'm a lot more comfortable shagging you as 'HotMommaXXX'
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• What the??? Your not a MILF!
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• I'm really sorry but Lookin4Love2000 couldn't make it. I'm his best mate ShagAnything22 if your still up for it!
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• And all is time who would've thought that you were the same chick who walked past my office window each day and that we all poked fun at!
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• Look, I'll never say anything about this for the rest of my life, eternity and beyond if you'll do the same thing. Dad.
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• So that was really a photo of your next door neighbour hey? Cool...is she around?
  Andrew Brisbane [26 Mar 2003]
• I did bring this paper bag just in case, so here you go.
  Kaite [26 Mar 2003]
• Oh my god.....It's bigfoot.
  Kaite [26 Mar 2003]
• When you said you liked children, I didn't expect you to bring some with you? Oh, they're yours, are they?
  madgorgon [26 Mar 2003]
• No, I wasn't lying, I just gained 100 lbs this weekend.
  Kevin AciD [26 Mar 2003]
• So you’re not really an anorexic, obsessive compulsive, single, vegetarian, amputee, body building, pig shooting, orphan with red hair and narcissistic nymphomaniac tendencies looking to experiment?
  Matt Kemp [26 Mar 2003]
• You wanna see the pimples on my ass? I've got a huge one on my right cheek...
  Lost Soul [26 Mar 2003]
• All of my previous boyfriends have left me because they say I talk too much. But I think the internet is just the place for me because I type very slowly. On the other hand, I can say roughly 3 words per second. Dont you find that amazing? Everyone else tells me I talk really fast. They say Im a talking machine, as if my only purpose in life was to talk. You dont think I talk too much do you? cuz I really like you and I want to meet you again some other day. I know this place... its just about three blocks from here, and its absolutely gorgeous.......... .. . . . . . .
  Lost Soul [26 Mar 2003]
• I'd like to phone a friend please, Eddie.
  Paul Ritchie [26 Mar 2003]
• NOW I now why you don't have webcam.
  Paul Ritchie [26 Mar 2003]
• I'm here on behalf of my brother to tell you he couldn't make it today. He died 3 years ago.
  Paul Ritchie [26 Mar 2003]
• Does that thing on your face have a name?
  Paul Ritchie [26 Mar 2003]
• Do you mind if I kiss your dog instead?
  Paul Ritchie [26 Mar 2003]
• Oh good God! I thought you just had something stuck to your face in the photo. What IS that?
  Leish [26 Mar 2003]
• Weren't you in that ad. for Michellin?
  R.R. Daniel Kahn [26 Mar 2003]
• "I'm arresting you for coercing a minor and attempting to take them to your place of abode illegally. You do not have to say anything in your defence, but anything you do say will be taken down and used in a court of law. Do you understand your rights?"
  Louee [27 Mar 2003]
• What? the gut? Yeah, it's part of my conditioning for the martial arts I told you about.
  The lip plate? Yeah, that too.
  Louee [27 Mar 2003]
• I was going to ask you were you got your hallowe'en mask from, but maybe I shouldn't bother.
  CozB [27 Mar 2003]
• F1! F1! F1! (Thats the help key)
  Jer Ste [28 Mar 2003]
• Holy Mother of GOD!!!! Um... I'm sorry, it's just that I'm very Catholic... em... er... No it's not because of you! It's... it's just that... is that hump REAL?!?!
  Juan Ra [28 Mar 2003]
• WHOA!!! A LIVING NEANDERTHAL!! When did someone defrost you?
  Lost Soul [28 Mar 2003]
• I listen to the Backstreet Boys all the time.
  Lost Soul [28 Mar 2003]
• No sorry. I'm not "romance2000". I'm his more up to date version, "romance2003". He sent me to tell you that he is eloping with another girl and says sorry but he'd pay me to shag you to make up for it.
  Nikki Thompson [29 Mar 2003]
• My credit card number is......
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• No hablo ingles
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• Im Saddam's Number 1 fan GO IRAQ!!! Holy shit, Look, Ive gotta go... the CIA is after me again!!
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• I just love Charles Manson's work, dont you?
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• I'd like you to meet my Mum and Dad. They still wont let me go out without them.
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• Im not a virgin!
  IM NOT!
  I've had sex with my hand before.
  Lost Soul [29 Mar 2003]
• Hi, My name is Rob and I'm a dentist and thats why I can't show you my face.....
  Moff [29 Mar 2003]
• Honey, what the..? Why were you in the wannahavesex room?
  Shaq [30 Mar 2003]
• No, really, take off the fur coat! Oh... it's actually YOUR fur... Well, as long as you don't reproduce ASEXUALLY I'm ok with that, let's shag.
  Juan Ra [31 Mar 2003]
• Whoa!! Nice Chewbacca outfit!!! Im a STARWARS fan myself!!
  WHAT?!?! that ain't a costume? Whoops!
  Lost Soul [31 Mar 2003]
• Doesn't everybody like to cross-dress???
  Lost Soul [31 Mar 2003]
• And I thought Austin Powers had the worst-looking teeth in the world.
  Lost Soul [31 Mar 2003]
• Where I come from, it is common for needy men to hump cows. Of course, I've never done it, Im saving myself for marriage. THEN I will try it.
  Lost Soul [31 Mar 2003]
• I'm prone to spontaneous combustion!
  Juan Ra [1 Apr 2003]
• No, that isnt KY, its for my yeast infection.
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• Hmm, that goiter's kinda cute... may I have sex with it?
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• VD is just like chicken pox. You've either had it, have it, or are going to have it.
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• This is Ted. I met him at my anger management class. Don't worry, he always foams at the mouth.
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• Damn crabs is freakin' itchy.
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• I have found bliss in giving up my earthly possessions and in the toil of manual labour. Are you ready to embrace the Leader into your heart?
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• To be completely honest with you, remember those three months I was offline? I wasn't really skiing in the swiss alps. I was doing badly in my fight against syphilis and had to be committed. But I am in the clear now.
  Tanya H [1 Apr 2003]
• You can make out the constellations from all the pimples in your face!
  Juan Ra [1 Apr 2003]
• Ohh... you really are a comedian.
  Been There [1 Apr 2003]
• Your looking very nice today Mr. President
  Shaq [2 Apr 2003]
• I dont know what I was going to say now.... Oh yes...I know...: 'So you do actually have a decent web cam, its just your face thats pixelated? Interesting....and your mouth isnt in sync with your speech, either? Have you crashed? You arent moving at all...why do you have 'System Overload' written on your head? Hello? Pardon? Fatal exception error? Do you need a doctor for that? What, you are infected with repeating, untreatable viruses? I think I ought to shut this date/a down...'
  What, you STILL dont know my fiest name? Well, Im not telling you. So there. *oh* For heavens sake!!! Bates, ok? BATES!!!!!!! [2 Apr 2003]
• Ctrl + Alt + Del...!!! (to abort the program)
  Juan Ra [2 Apr 2003]
• Oops...!
  Juan Ra [4 Apr 2003]
• Out of 100,000 sperms, you were the fastest one?
  Juan Ra [5 Apr 2003]
• On second thought... I'd rather not click on your 'floppy drive'.
  Silent Dan [5 Apr 2003]
• Hey, how's it going? *sneezes* excuse me... i must have picked up a small cold on my trip to Hong Kong last week
  Lost Soul [6 Apr 2003]
• Hey, you're that famous rock star. Now I understand your fetish songs. You owe me 50% of your money, since I gave you most of the ideas.
  Shaq [7 Apr 2003]
• So when you said you where cute, that was just a typing error?
  jordan aero [7 Apr 2003]
• Its much smoother if we pick all the scabs off first.
  Jaymie M [11 Apr 2003]
• Hi Lisa, I heard there was congestion at Heathrow. Was it bad? Oh, sorry Simone. Lisa's next week.
  Pegasus All man part horse [11 Apr 2003]
• I just wanted to tell you I'm joining a monastery. No really, I am. Now, if only I can find a taxi...
  Paul Ritchie [13 Apr 2003]
• Did you fart????????..... ohh... no it was me from before... sorry...
  Carlos Zeus [13 Apr 2003]
• Hi, how are you? Oh, you're a women! So am I.
  Brandy [14 Apr 2003]
• AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!
  CozB [18 Apr 2003]
• Haha you're kidding, right hahahahahahahahaha ...please be kidding!
  CozB [18 Apr 2003]
• So, that was your father's picture, hum? Yeah, I can see that you're a little bit more hairy then he is, Susie. By the way, don't you have by any chance a cousin named It, do you?¿?
  Platon Brasil [18 Apr 2003]
• Yeah, I forgot to mention that I'm cripple. But I didn't lied! I really do resemble Superman!!
  Platon Brasil [18 Apr 2003]
• Yeah you told me you were an experienced girl, but I had no idea that you would have to sneak out of the rest home to come meet me!!! But since you are here.....
  Platon Brasil [18 Apr 2003]
• I feeling guilty because I lied about being an 9 year-old boy, while you told me the truth the whole time. You really are Michael Jackson!
  Platon Brasil [18 Apr 2003]
• Hi there, my real name's Hannibal Junior. I'd really like to grab something to eat. Let's hang out in my place.. What do you say?¿?
  Platon Brasil [19 Apr 2003]
• I really would like shag with you, but I'm too afraid to get lost in this enormous blackhole. And I'm only talking about your navel...
  Platon Brasil [19 Apr 2003]
• I'm actually an erotic film producer, and I would like to hire you, because the things you wrote me in the chatroom proves that you really have a brilliant future awaiting for you in that awful hotel across the street! This is the chance of a lifetime! Come on!!
  Platon Brasil [19 Apr 2003]
• Hi, My name is Mike Tyson.. Nice earings.. can I taste it?¿?
  Platon Brasil [22 Apr 2003]
• I'm an official, identical double of Saddam Hussein. The bad news is that he lost an arm, a leg, an eye and his penis.
  Platon Brasil [22 Apr 2003]
• Three magical words: I like porn.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [23 Apr 2003]
• Five more magical words: I like George W Bush.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [23 Apr 2003]
• It appears that money spent on lie detection software was not money well spent
  nick oliver [23 Apr 2003]
• I have two paper bags. One's for you, the other is for me in case yours comes off.
  Anthony Phillips [25 Apr 2003]
• I sure hope that's chocolate all over your face...
  Silent Dan [29 Apr 2003]
• Do you have a name for each arse cheek?
  Pegasus All man part horse [30 Apr 2003]
• When you told me you could press 130 Kg, i thought you meant in weights, not your own weight!!
  Pegasus All man part horse [30 Apr 2003]
• Shh! No baby dont say it! Your voice ruins it for me. Here, here is a pen and paper. Write it down for me, ok? Its so much sexier this way. I even have different colored crayons for later. Does that turn you on?
  Kellie [3 May 2003]
• Please stop grinning at me like that. Teeth make me very uncomfortable. I brought this drawing of a yellow smiley for you to point to whenever I make you happy. Here you go.
  Kellie [3 May 2003]
• What are ya gonna do for a face when the monkey wants its ass back, eh?
  ja maw [7 May 2003]
• Man, Dawn of the Dead's got nothing on you!
  Faux Angel [8 May 2003]
• You remind me of a movie. What was it? Independence Day? Yeah, You're face reminds me of Washington, totally destroyed. Funny, huh?
  CozB [11 May 2003]
• Maybe OolaTheTwilekBabe was the wrong nick for you, maybe Gardulla the Hutt would have been more accurate?
  Rob Kowal [11 May 2003]
• When you said you had boobs, you never said anything about saggy man boobs.
  Liz Liz [11 May 2003]
• luke i am your far-ther
  worldwidepussypleaza [11 May 2003]
• If you're a guy meetin a girl: "You shulda had those implants done a lot bigger."
  If you're a girl meetin a guy: "I hope you prefer anal, cos, well...hi im Frank"
  Any gender: "M-m-m-m-m-y s-s-s-t-t-t-am-m-m-er i-i-i-s r-r-r-r-eal-l-l-l-y b-b-b-b-b-a-d-d-d-d w-w-w-wh-wh-wh-e-n-n-n i-i-i-i-m-m-m n-n-n-n-n-e-r-v-v-v-v-ous-s-s."
  Loopy Kat [13 May 2003]
• Tell me those guys aren't the only boobs you've got!
  CozB [19 May 2003]
• Do you mind if we sit opposite each other and wank instead of actually shagging? Force of habit...
  Tris Brisbane [19 May 2003]
• This is one of those 'truth in advertising' cases isn't it?
  Earll [20 May 2003]
• Hey, I've got a couple of bar napkins and a pen. Wanna cyber?
  Earll [20 May 2003]
• It's funny you should mention that, I have a long-lost older sister who'd be just about your age now, myself.
  Earll [20 May 2003]
• Well perhaps you could have warned me you were a girl!!!
  Angelic Angel [21 May 2003]
• You got me. Okay, okay. Reveal the hidden cameras... Seriously reveal them!
  Sexy Biatch Sexy Biatch [25 May 2003]
• "I think I made a typing error..."
  Mavis Retardo [26 May 2003]
• This was a lot easier when I didn't have to see your conjoined twin.
  Switch Laffalott [13 Jun 2003]
• Listen, Sarah, you won't tell Mum and Dad if i won't, right?
  Switch Laffalott [13 Jun 2003]
• I thought you were one of the Village People.
  Gum Chaostwinky386 [25 Jul 2003]
• Is that a mirco-soft in your pocket, or are you 'NOT' glad to see me?
  scott Quick [29 Jul 2003]
• I'm glad I got a backup at Marriagepact.com
  Mark shidler [18 Aug 2003]
• What the devil are you!?!?!
  Goggi Glasabarn [18 Sep 2003]
• Wanna fuck?
  icewolf [20 Sep 2003]
• Oh yeah? I'm supposed to meet up with someone really hot too! Maybe they're running late.
  Andy Mr. [24 Oct 2003]
• Its funny, I saw on the News last night they were looking for a guy that escaped from the State Prison, and he looked remarkably like you. Especially since your wearing that orange jumpsuit. Isnt that funny?
  tom c [1 Nov 2003]
• Actually the scientific name for your medical condition is "Zactley's disease". Your head looks zactley same as your arse.
  chris c [25 Nov 2003]
• You never told me your face looked like a pair of startled buttocks.
  Glenno [2 Dec 2003]
• When you said you starred in REsIdEnT eViL I didn`t think you meant yiu were a flesh eating zombie.
  marc dennis [6 Dec 2003]
• Oh Shit! Hi Mom!
  scott quick [6 Jan 2004]
• Got a match? I have, your face and my arse!
  tulsy tsan [12 Feb 2004]
• "I'd rather bang your grandma."
  Luke Andrews [1 Apr 2004]
• Holy shit grandpa, your alive!
  zues thealmighhty [1 Apr 2004]
• You are grounded, Mister!
  zeus thealmighty [6 Apr 2004]
• Mom, am I grounded?
  Jack Benimble [6 Apr 2004]
• I think this relationship is going to work a whole lot better if you just go to the ladies room and put your panties in your purse, and THEN we can talk.
  Vlad the Impaler [22 May 2004]
• Yeah, I had that once....but the crabs ate it off!!
  Bored At Work [3 Aug 2004]
• You won't want me i'm Over Age
  jed lewis [22 Sep 2004]
• I want to feel your sweet embrace, but don't take that paper bag off your face.
  little birdy [25 Sep 2004]
• Wow, you must be really good with that computer program that edits digital pictures.
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• You ARE the weakest link. Good-bye!
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• Hey I'm supposed to meat a hottie right here in a minute - have you seen her?
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• This is a great spot. Nobody's around. It's so seculuded, it's almost romantic. Can you hold this rope for me, so I can get the duct tape out, darlin?
  TheBarber [29 Dec 2004]
• Hey baby did you just fart? Because you just blew me away.
  Vexx [5 Jan 2005]
• Hi, glad t...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH (BREATH)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.............
  mantlebrott bits (very small) [15 May 2005]
• Oh, sorry. Usually I try date within my own species.
  mantlebrott bits [19 May 2005]
• Sorry im waiting for someone thats not so ugly... bye now
  Possom [21 Jul 2005]
• SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT please don't be Emily
  david arnold of the grange school a.k.a. flip up [1 Aug 2005]
• (girl to man) No, I'm not lying about being a bubbly slim blonde. I have a bottle of bleach and a Jane Fonda DVD at home.....
  jason burrows [26 Sep 2005]
• Mum?!?
  Ryan D'Montigny [17 Feb 2007]

What would you not say?

What is the thing you'd hate to say when meeting your cyber lover? Let us know, and we'll add the funniest suggestions to GORSKYS.COMedy.