When Chris got another framed Enrique Iglasias poster from his slightly out-of-touch grandmother, he hung it on his front door as a deterrent to criminals who might have thought he had a decent CD collection to steal.
Every Christmas is the same. You get three good presents and about 200 stinkers.
Why can’t people just give cash instead of crap?
Useless gifts are useless. At least until now.
Here are some of GORSKYS.COMedy’s suggestions on turning your unwanted Christmas gifts into valuable items.
- Fill the pair of socks you get from Aunt Matilda with small change and use them as a fashionable coin purse.
- If you live somewhere cold, why not use the socks as a pair of mittens.
- With the books you’ll never read, think about starting your own bonfire.
- Attach four pieces of wood to the awful coffee table book about birds from your brother to make a coffee table.
- Water-down the scented soaps you get from your cousins and sell the mixture on eBay as “Xmas Shampoo”.
- Turn the horrible box collection of Harry Potter books from your mother into a classy display showing you’re well read. Re-cover her gifts with best-seller covers stolen from Barnes and Noble.
- Not sure what to do with six new pairs of underpants? Give them to members of your local street gang to wear as hats.
- You always end up with two copies of the same video in the gift bag. Use the spare as a bribe to young children to run to the shops and buy you cigarettes.
- Use tinsel to spruce up your work clothes, and turn them into rave wear.
- DVDs of movies you hate make great frisbees.
- New shirts make great art smocks for painting in.
- There’s nothing worse than getting a set of golf balls if you don’t play golf. But there’s nothing more fun than shoving them up your uncle’s exhaust pipe and seeing how car they shoot out when he starts his engine.
- Keep the losing lottery ticket you get from your Dad. Rolled up, it makes great paper for a joint.
- Novelty neckties can be used as a leash for your dog.
- The “IOU one great gift” note from your big brother can be used as toilet paper.
- Scrawl your name on the ‘Best Of Britney’ CD your sister gave you because she was hoping she could listen to it, and sell it on eBay as an autographed CD. Just don’t say whose autograph.
- Use the jokes from Christmas bon-bons to launch your own stand-up comedy career.
- ‘Saucy novelty condoms’ from your mates at work make fantastic balloons for the kiddies.
- Mum, did your husband give you an iron to go with last year’s vacuum cleaner? Show your kids how it can be used to make funny scorch marks on all Dad’s shirts.
A simple solution…Burgle yourself! (Trash the crap and tell everyone you were robbed. Avoid all queries as to why the burlar chose 10 pairs of y-fronts and cheap Reject Shop chocolates over your DVD player and PC)
Wait for the next time a little kid comes knocking on the door looking for sponsorship in a walkathon or readathon or whatever-athon they are having. Rather than sponsor with money, dig deeper (into the crap pile), hand over the Celine Dion CD and brand new $1.99 digital watch with the flat battery.
When it comes to clothes, always (and I mean always) be unsure if the “fit” is right. Insist that you take the item back to “exchange” yourself then take the cash and have a good night on the town.
Every year I get an unwanted starsign book for the coming year. After 26 yrs of this it gets a little tiring, so last year I lived every day according to what the stars-writer had predicted for me. After the most disjointed and irrelevant year of my life, having lost all my money, friends and girlfriend, not to mention the respect of my colleagues, I’ve finally proven once and for all that these books are crap……….that showed my mum.
Simple! Kidnap Ruldolph and leave a ransom note for an exchange between Santa’s only light source, and a Flat Screen Plasma T.V.
Take the shirt your wife gave you and wear it only on weekends at home, only way to stop it from happening again. Spill curry on it immediately at breakfast.
Those cheap crockery settings go down a real treat when the Greek neighbours arc up the Zorba soundtrack after too many Ouzo and Cokes.
Calendars give vandals at work somewhere besides the walls to make their inane comments. All the better if you get a Strawberry Shortcake version.
Those round tins of butter cookies get cheaper every year. You know what they are before you even unwrap them. Don’t bother. Just put ‘em in the cupboard and give them back to the cheapskate next year.
By the time they’ve given you toaster number 28, you have enough to dismantle and make your own tanning lounge.
Threaten the kids with toasting if they won’t eat their veggies.
Those awful bottles of Company Label wine they give you at work are quite decent after 40 years. Soak the labels off and replace them with a classy label. Then again, why wait?
Novelty toilet roll holders actually make good door knockers. If they’re saucy, they even dissuade the Jehovah’s Witnesses coming round on the 27th to enlighten you about Christmas.
Goodness me! Gourmet cigarettes!
I wonder how this tobacco will go with my weed.
Attack the gift with a sledgehammer then sell it as “Modern Art”
While Santa is in your house, replace the reindeer with ones that can’t fly! When he tries to take off from the roof, he’ll crash the sleigh, thus giving you time to steal some “back-up” gifts!
If an unwanted gift (or its packing) is fairly stiff, and durable;
it MAY be usable for scooping out the wee-stuff that’s at the bottom
of the cats’ litter tray at the end of the day!
Man – sometimes that wee-stuff is just like hard clay!
Bury the unwanted christmas presents in a quiet, friendly, rural area of Victoria then simply sit back and let the State Government melt them down to nothing with a toxic waste dump.
To get in with the cool nazi kids in the area, hold a book burning with all those spare Harry Potter, Animorphs and Narnia Chronicles paperbacks
Did your 5 year-old son made you a horrible painting of you and your wife, the dog, the house, a tree, and Santa Claus, where it says: “I love you, Daddy! Merry Xmas!”?
In his presence, take it and throw it in the hearth and tell him with your sweetest voice: “Thanks son, it was really helpful to keep the fire on! But the next time, buy me that toolbox that I showed you on TV.”
This will teach him.
When you get something bad, like a shirt you will never wear or a movie that is for small children (dam me for liking disney when i was five, it has been nearly 20 years and it still haunts me) always remember that everything is potentially flammable (and if you make it look like an accident, insurance will buy you a new house!).
Sharpen the gift to a sharp point and hijack a plane
How many undies does a girl need? Use them as ear muffs… and you may even get lucky.
Make papier mache pigs with those self help books that you get every year,especially the ones by Dr Phill. Just blow up a ballon, and paste the pages on with glue, dry,and paint it. This is one that the kids would love to help with.
throw them at your ex- boyfriend
start a bon fire on your ex’s lawn
On December 26th and 30th of every year there is a yard sale in front of my house. One for Christmas, one for my birthday.
Let your male tomcat wee on your unwanted knitted multicoloured sweater from auntie emm, wrap it up neatly in silver foil, and post it to someone who has been REALLY mean to you.
Sell everything you get on Ebay. Then use the money (if any) to buy the stingey bastard their presents next year!
Piss on them give them back and say
“You shouldnt have”
i would like to own the pic of Enrique if you really don’t want it I would be glad to take it off your hands.