Terrence & Spider - two bouncers it's worth getting to know.
It’s tough being a kid. All the fun’s being had inside the nightclub, but you’re not allowed in just because of those pesky underage drinking laws.
Well, don’t let that stop you. This month, we offer some useful advice on how to party like a grown up, even if you’re not.
- If you’re 16, hold your ID upside down, and pass yourself off as 91.
- An internet year is the equivalent of seven in the real world, so every hour on ICQ is the equivalent of a day in real life. This means the average web-addicted teenager is really 43.
- Confuse the bouncer. When he asks your age, just give him your birthdate, and let him do the math.
- It’s best to use wit and intelligence to get past the bouncer, but sometimes $20 will do.
- Pay nine 13 year olds to line up in for the club in front of you – they’ll get knocked back for being so young; you’ll look old in comparison, and be let right in.
- Never having kissed anybody is a clue you’re young or very religious. Neither is good for getting into clubs, so lie if asked. But be convincing. 10 is a reasonable number. 10 million is not.
- It may be cool to get to know the bouncer, but don’t invite him to your school’s football game.
- Bouncers like to think of themselves as being the peak of physical perfection. Challenge him to do 4,000 push ups. While he’s demonstrating, go into the club.
- Remember, a long coat and a ten-year old sitting on an 11 year old’s shoulders makes a 21 year old.
- Don’t play hopscotch while waiting in line.
Just get a group of several friends together (preferably same sex and looking similar) then all use the same ID. If the bouncer thinks this is suspicious, just tell him that you were all cloned from the same person.
Come rushing up pulling on your shirt and adjusting your dacks and laughing while you tell them about the nude disco queen contest goin’ down right now in the alley just over there…and get ready to club on!
turn 18
Start talking about who you’re going to vote for as you approach the entrance.
Getting into a club is a remarkably simple endeavour. After you’ve seen Star Wars, smoothly walk up to the door, making sure to make eye contact with the bouncer. When he stops you to ask for your ID, Wave you hand before his face and say "I am not the under-age drinker you are looking for. You don’t need to see my identification. I can go about my under-age drinking. Move along."
Crouch over and say you can’t find your wallet because your memory is acting up. The bouncer will think your about 70 and you can get in.
If you are short like me, roll up your socks into balls and put them in the soles of your shoes. It makes you seem taller and older.
Walk up to the bouncers alone and on your mobile. Pretend you are having a huge argument with your boy/girlfriend/mum etc- fake crying.
Go onto the internet and find as much info on Margaret Thatcher as you can. Impress the bouncer with your knowledge, and explain that anyone under the age of 18 is too young to remember the last tory government.
For the ladies who are under 21, when the bouncer asks how old are you? just say “You are sooo sweet! Thanks for the compliment!” Works every time.
Workin’ as a cowhand has its benefits.
Just bring one of the electric cattle prods to town. You go in, or the bouncer has a reVOLTing experience. Want some new best friends? Pass the prod down the queue. Want some new worst enemies?
Sneak the batteries out first.
If you’re a woman, lure the bouncers into an alley way one by one, and hit them over the head with a handbag full of tinned cat food then lure the next ones. (Note. bouncers are so thick that they wont catch on)
Order a cheap £10 fake id off the internet. The bouncer will then usually say they don’t accept it, so then point to your eye and say your blind in your left eye and thats why you don’t have a proper drivers licence. It works EVERY time!
If your a girl, break out into tears and start yelling, “Why didnt you call me, I thought we had something!” at the bouncer (this has worked 8 outta 9 times).
Find out the boss’ name, and say you’re his daughter and need to tell him something urgently.
Get some crayons and draw stubble on your cheeks
If you’re a girl you can stuff your boobs with toilet paper and put thin pillows over your butt cheeks to make it look like you’ve got a huge butt. If toilet paper doesn’t work, then try buying double-padded bras.
Throw up on the bouncer, then apologise, say you will go inside for some loo roll, and never come back. Then drink more, and throw up on him again when you leave, and run – hard.
This sounds pretty crazy, but seeing as i was born in 1988, I changed the 8 to a 6 by getting some blue tac and using a needle to place the blue tac over the top right corner of the eight to chnage it to a 6. This has worked for me in Australia and most of my friends at most night clubs!
Just appear very drunk and it’s blatantly obvious that you got in somewhere else, and therefore must be over 18.
What you have to do is dab some stubble on your cheeks with crayon. If that doesn’t work, borrow your dad’s credit card and simply tell the bouncer that you left your license in the car.
Say to the bouncers, let me in or I will get my willy out and piss all over you. You will get allowed straight in, free of charge!
When he asks for id, pull out some fake keys and say “Damn, I left it in the car.” He might think you’re older.
Scream “It burns! It burns! Oh it burns!” and just run in. The bouncer will be so confused he won’t notice.
Take a couple of your friends and make them start a fight in front of the club , when the bouncer get distracted just run in.
Set yourself on fire and beg them to let you in to get some water to put out the fire… to avoid attracting unnecesary attention in the club its a good idea to extinguish yourself
Say you feel ill, and need to sit down and they’ll take you inside for a seat, the you can slide off easily into the club! Always a winner for me!
Kick the bouncer in the balls
walk into on the club on a cell phone and when you get to the bouncers say loud and clear “daddy loves you”
Pretend to be really sick and run inside to use the toilets, but just stay in there. Wait about 10 minutes so they forget about you, then walk out of the toilets and party on.