You know you're drunk when the Creme de Menthe runs out, and you're prepared to try anything green.
Every night there are ads on TV about the evils of drinking and driving.
The ads warn about how the police will test your blood alcohol at any time, and burn your licence in front of your eyes if you’re over the limit.
It’s OK for them. They’ve got sophisticated equipment costing thousands of dollars to test you with.
All the average driver has is their blurry visions and fuzzy recollections to help them work out if they’re drunk or not.
This month, we look at some sure-fire signs that you’re too drunk to drive.
- The bouncer suddenly looks really hot.
- You have trouble speaking clearly. “Hi” comes out as “Wanna shag?”
- You can’t decide which steering wheel to use.
- Your wallet has only $5 left in it, all in 10-cent pieces.
- The Hell’s Angel in the corner suddenly looks like a wimp.
- You’re dying for a Big Mac, even though you’re a vegan.
- Your feet are sore from dancing, and the trivia night is only half way through.
- Your mouth feels all furry because you’ve just drunk the ash tray.
- You can’t remember where you parked your car.
- You can’t remember what sort of car you own.
- You can’t remember what a car looks like.
- You catch yourself singing karaoke, and enjoying it.
- You just spent an hour chatting up a cigarette machine.
- You consider urinating in the wash basin, rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the wash basin rather than waiting in the queue.
- You urinate in the queue.
- It’s taken you an hour of yelling, a thrown drink and a knife fight to realise that you and your friend have been in total agreement all along.
If you’re sitting on the toilet and have to look down to remember if you’ve already pissed.
When you swear you don’t need a designated driver any more because the bird outside told you it would teach you how to fly.
When you puke in the bed and fall asleep in the toilet.
When you tell the bouncer “Im not as think as you drunk I am”
You get pulled over for a breath test and the tube to the testing machine melts when you blow into it.
You know you are drunk when you actually find GORSKYS.COM funny.
You read this website and laugh…..AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA….wow?
…without any warning it’s suddenly the next morning
When every song on the radio is YOUR song.
That your friends have more than one head.
When you enjoy Yani’s songs.
Ted Kennedy starts to make sense after you try drinking him under the table.
You look at yourself at the mirror and see your reflection covered in blood and you don’t remember who you killed.
You’re gettin really really pissed off because the toilet seat keeps hittin u in the head.
When the Police offer to give you a free bed for the night and park your car for you!
You don’t remember whether you have a car or not.
When Canadain singers sound good!
You think the “Nutcracker Suite” is the best room at the Holidy Inn.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
It takes all your strength to hold onto the floor!
Just to show your sensitive side you try your hand at actually initiating a conversation with your wife, saying how you love the new automatic night light in the toilet, and she screams “Shit, Harry! You just pissed in the fridge again!”
When you have just convinced a bunch of random people that nuclear fusion is the way of the future, then realised that you don’t even know what uranium is
You convince your friend he is way too drunk to drive and take his keys only to take his car on a joyride and wrap it round a tree.
When you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off of the Earth.
When you drive 30mph on the freeway because you dont wanna get busted for drunk driving.
You hold on the curb because you’ve fallen over and you think you’re hanging off a cliff.
You decide to “borrow” a police car because you like the lights and siren.
You spend 120 dollars saying you can drink 20 beers, all for a ten dollar bet.
You decide to keep that worm in the bottom of your tequila bottle as a pet and name it Fork.
You cant find the ignition on the fire hydrant