How To Tell If You're Too Drunk To Drive Before You Hop Behind The Wheel

You know you're drunk when the Creme de Menthe runs out, and you're prepared to try anything green.

Your ways of knowing if you're drunk

• You've just won a bet for $100 that you can eat your beer glass.
  Terry [13 Jun 2003]
• Anything on the shopping channel or info commericals looks good.
  HpN [14 Jun 2003]
• When you consider that being spanked by a 80 year old person with a rubber chicken sounds fun.
  HpN [14 Jun 2003]
• When you are pashing a inanmaite object, animal, or family member... and enjoying it.
  HpN [14 Jun 2003]
• You think Howard and Bush is the best thing that happened to Australia!
  HpN [14 Jun 2003]
• You laugh at the Episode of Seinfield which you have seen 100 times.
  HpN [14 Jun 2003]
• You can't find your left hand.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [14 Jun 2003]
• You try to count to 10, in 11's
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• You try to insert the keyring into the keyhole instead of the key
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• You insert the keyring into the keyhole instead of the key
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• You hit the car on the nose and yell at it when it doesn't work. Then you drive the dog home
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• You get the brilliant idea of watching Pearl Harbour again
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• You actually enjoy Pearl Harbour
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• Your car looks suspiciously like a dumpster, and it smells
  Switch Laffalot [15 Jun 2003]
• It's impossible to see the road because your pants are on your head.
  Brian Vo [15 Jun 2003]
• You realize you couldn't drive home even if you were sober, because you've just drunk the entire contents of your fuel tank.
  Brian Vo [15 Jun 2003]
• You get a sober person to breathe into a jar for you, so you can use it to fake your way through the breathilizer test.
  Brian Vo [15 Jun 2003]
• When you are laughing uncontrollably at your own manhood.
  b w [15 Jun 2003]
• You get into the back seat by mistake and call the police thinking someone has stolen the steering wheel.
  Linda Irishmanufan [15 Jun 2003]
• You've just lost a sporting bet that you can jump off the roof of the pub without breaking your shins.
  Harry H [15 Jun 2003]
• Errrrrmmmm.... it's like, when (hic) you get in the car... and (hic) wriggle that stick thing (hic). And your make up isnt on anymore... (hic) it's on your clothes instead... (hic) and you get home (belch) and realise that you have never had a lesson, and don't own a car. And this isn't your city.
  Jooooooooooooooyyyyy Forgot. [16 Jun 2003]
• You ask to sleep with your mum, and then you realise your dad is better looking and ask him as well.
  Random Guy [16 Jun 2003]
• You know the person you're going home with is ugly as 50 pigs and you'll hate yourself in the morning but you go home with them anyway
  ChatRat [16 Jun 2003]
• You stand over the jukebox making sure nobody puts a coin in it before you've heard MMMBop for the 400th time.
  ChatRat [16 Jun 2003]
• You make 17 phone calls in a row and all of them make sense before you discover some thief swapped your mobile for a banana
  ChatRat [16 Jun 2003]
• You sniff your pits and think "Hey, I'm smellin' good." Then wonder why everyones moved away.
  Lisa Thurston [16 Jun 2003]
• You say, 'Aah, drunk! I'm shit again.'
  Lisa Thurston [16 Jun 2003]
• You stand up and yell "Buy the house a drink! It's on me!!", repeatedly, and discover the next day you have an empty wallet and a $13,000 credit card bill.
  Terri Babiak [16 Jun 2003]
• You decide to enter American Idol
  Geo F [16 Jun 2003]
• You think you have Matrix-like abilities and try to jump from one rooftop to another, only to fall to your death.
  Juan Ra [16 Jun 2003]
• You brag about your addiction to self pleasure.
  Godfrey Olookaduck [16 Jun 2003]
• When you get hit by a parked car, trip over a cordless phone and fall out a window and fly up !
  Ditch the Legend [17 Jun 2003]
• You look in the mirror to see a tinnie ringpull print on your forehead.
  Pegasus All man part horse [17 Jun 2003]
• Sit there and gaze at the road for an hour while trying to find the ignition.
  Pegasus All man part horse [17 Jun 2003]
• You go home think you scored with a hot chick, then you realise youve got your arm around a coat hanger in a dumpster.
  Hey Suga Muma [17 Jun 2003]
• Some guy comes up to you and says "wanna shag" insted of "hi" and you actually think he's witty. And go home with him.
  Laura Prado [18 Jun 2003]
• You are yelling you guts out in front of everybody and still think nobody is listening. And when people say that you are drunk, you answer with a: Shhhh!! Believing that anybody have noticed that yet..
  Platon Brasil [18 Jun 2003]
• Y do Gremlins in the fridge keep turning the light on and off every time I open it?............This question brings up moral and ethical complications of which you cant get your head around!!! WAY to drunk to drive!!
  ya mum mmmm sensual [18 Jun 2003]
• You decide to call ALL your buddies at 4 am and tell them "Dude, I love you!"
  Haymanth [23 Jun 2003]
• You think that drinking aerosol cans will make your breath smell good.
  Timmy Dumbass [23 Jun 2003]
• You brag to random people about your ability to turn big haired women into small animals with your magical abilities. Then you pee on the floor.
  Chainsaw Smith [30 Jun 2003]
• Well, scientifically speaking, you can can have about three standard drinks before it's unsafe to go for a drive. If you've had about twenty more, it's unlikely that you're as sober as some other, more respectable ladies and gentlemen, and hence there is the underlying possibility that you may in fact be slightly too drunk to drive.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [30 Jun 2003]
• When you realize you've been standing at the top of the stairs for an hour, wondering why the escalator is so slow.
  Jessica Pica [2 Jul 2003]
• You chat up a bar stool
  Kegsie Richardson [13 Jul 2003]
• Order another drink, if you can finish it without falling down or puking then you're good to go.
  Al Coholic [13 Jul 2003]
• When the doctors need to look for some blood in your alcohol stream.
  Rebecca Poulter [14 Jul 2003]
• You get so desperate to pull, you chat up your mate's dad.
  lisa t [14 Jul 2003]
• Declaring your undying love to your best friend seems like a really good idea.
  Hannah The boss [15 Jul 2003]
• You've been snogging a hot chick you picked up for half an hour when you relise you've been kissing the wing mirror, and carry on.
  Hannah The boss [15 Jul 2003]
• You lose the argument you are having with the lightpole on the way to find your car.
  Bubbly Schnappa [19 Jul 2003]
• You go wild singing and dancing to the YMCA, but find yourself becoming confused on which way the C should go.
  chris . [19 Jul 2003]
• You think Elton John's a cool, hip, modern wonder, famous especially among the teens.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [21 Jul 2003]
• You go to The Gorsky's to find signs that you're too drunk to drive.
  Silent Dan [22 Jul 2003]
• You try to drink your car then drive your stubby.
  CozB [22 Jul 2003]
• You actually manage to drink your car then drive your stubby.
  CozB [22 Jul 2003]
• You can't spell AC/DC
  CozB [22 Jul 2003]
• Tequilla starts to taste good
  Buster Gonads [24 Jul 2003]
• You say, "Ooh! thats a lovely flourescent coat you're wearing! Can I try your hat on?" Then, "Wow! Them lights are flashing! Are we going for a drive?"
  loopy kat [26 Jul 2003]
• You forget where you carked your par.
  Sparky [27 Jul 2003]
• It takes you six attempts to go home because you forgot you borrowed your wife's car. You keep driving by your house thinking to yourself, "Well hell, my wife's not even home, I might as well go back to the pub!"
  scott Quick [29 Jul 2003]
• You can't count to 1.
  CozB [3 Aug 2003]
• Mariah Carey sounds good.
  shiva seecharan [3 Aug 2003]
• You can't know which of your two dicks to hold while peeing
  Lost Soul [6 Aug 2003]
• You decide the safer option is to go home in a shopping trolley instead.
  TNM [12 Aug 2003]
• You put your shoes on the wrong feet, and when you realize it, you try to fix it by walking with your left leg on the right and right on the left.
  Looka Likaman [20 Aug 2003]
• Your'e looking for your car when you see a really hot chick, then you immediately start chatting her up, and pretty soon you start shagging her, and then later you find your car and realise you cant drive anyway because the gas tank is full of semen.
  Ben [26 Aug 2003]
• jkhsfgubn ev; ;uaofgn puidafbcg ;iudf uggfyfd yds jyiyikvfcv............d7igvbf !!!!!~##8#b#fu#' f'#k yuo asssss holdob .............druck my asssssssssssssssssssss..
  max francis [31 Aug 2003]
• When someone at the pub tells you that the heart is the strongest muscle in the body, you prove them wrong by attempting to lift a full paint can with your "MIGHTY PENIS!"
  scott quick [3 Sep 2003]
• You call a cab, cos you don't remember driving there in the first place.
  Aztec Starr [8 Sep 2003]
• You start showing off your dick tricks.
  [You're especially drunk if you do this, and you're a girl. - Liam]
  ando lofty [8 Sep 2003]
• You pull in your diveway and realize that you did not even drive to the bar.
  nyquil stalker [18 Sep 2003]
• You can tell that your drunk when the guy who was sharing his war storys suddenly seems VERY attractive
  nath(god) mcd [20 Sep 2003]
• You start to understand that your wife was right all along.
  Aaron [22 Sep 2003]
• You wonder if you can make it home before you chunder
  Dorgey Boy [12 Oct 2003]
• You hold onto the floor so you don't fall off
  Benn Stephens [13 Oct 2003]
• When you make out randomly with people, girls or guys, whatever.
  New Orleans Girl [20 Oct 2003]
• You chat up a chicken and wonder why the chicken crossed the dancefloor.
  Chicko Roll [16 Nov 2003]
• You get into an argument with an inanimate object, and throw a fit when you lose.
  justine weedleman [17 Nov 2003]
• You start worrying that all those grass leaves you stepped on as a kid will one day join forces and eat you.
  justine blah [17 Nov 2003]
• You make it home and park your car on the street where you live, but instead of going inside, you recline the driver's seat with the engine on and take a nap.
  Marcelo Chelo [29 Nov 2003]
• After three hours at the pub, you say, without reservation, "Yes, I'm sober enough to drive."
  James meow [9 Dec 2003]
• When you laugh at every single one of these
  Nick Wood [12 Dec 2003]
• When you wake up in a field with your pants around your ankels and sheep poop on you willy. (Guess that's just me then.)
  Stoney Ross [14 Dec 2003]
• You reveal to your friends that you own, and care for, a neopet at neopets.com.
  fallon ryan [16 Dec 2003]
• You projectile vomit into your cup of beer, and tell your buddy it's a margerita.
  Nasty Nasty dude [23 Dec 2003]
• You try to have a Argumentative Discussion with a fire hydrant. And lose.
  Andrew Taylor [2 Jan 2004]
• When you're too scared to change the channel because the people on the TV will get mad.
  Sean [2 Jan 2004]
• You called in a Chinese food order, and you actually think the stupid oriental accent that you just used helped in any way.
  scott quick [7 Jan 2004]
• You're a lady and you've just come out of the bathroom after proving that "I can SO pee standing up."
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• You're a lady, and you've just sat on the toilet with the seat up, and you didn't notice.
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• Your make-up looks like Tammy Faye Baker applied it.
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• The "attractive" person you are flirting with is your former fourth-grade teacher.
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• The "hugs" you give your friends start resembling professional wrestling moves.
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• All your sentences begin with "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but..."
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• You are playing pool by yourself and you keep asking "Who's damn shot is it?"
  scott quick [10 Jan 2004]
• When the doctor finds blood in your alchohol stream
  brendonious [30 Jan 2004]
• You wake up the next morning wondering why there is some random guy in your bed, did you sleep with him, and why is he now dead?
  Anna Watson [11 Feb 2004]
• You know your drunk when you bungee off your bar stool.
  Aidan Noyes [13 Feb 2004]
• When you're on www.gorskys.com, dude your wasted...
  Aidan Noyes [13 Feb 2004]
• When you run out of liquor, you feel the need to break into a liquor store to get more.
  garrett [8 Mar 2004]
• You spend your last £5 (in ten pence pieces) on a taxi back to some girl's flat, only to relise when you get there that she didn't get into the taxi with you, and you now have to walk 5 miles home.
  MAX POWER [17 Mar 2004]
• When the toilet seat keeps hitting your head!
  Hev. C [19 Mar 2004]
• When you bury your shoes and try to go for a swim in the ocean.
  Anton I have a friend [9 Apr 2004]
• You add a line to this page.
  Phart Senoir [10 Apr 2004]
• Suddenly you believe the adage "beer before liquor; get even sicker" has no value in just this once...
  Natalie Nat the lil alchy [14 May 2004]
• You say "There's no problem, officer" to the petrol station guy.
  roarty girl - sydney [14 May 2004]
• You find the word 'tipsy' to be the funniest damn thing you've ever heard
  K H [19 May 2004]
• Keep a glossy picture of your mother in law handy, when she starts looking shagable... It's not only that you're too drunk to drive, book into rehab!
  tanya robinson [23 May 2004]
• You try to start the car for 3 hours and then realize you don't have a car.
  Agentguy The Sheep [24 May 2004]
• You actually start the car after three hours, even though you don't have a car.
  Agentguy The Sheep [24 May 2004]
• When you try to fly out of the truck window... while it's going 70 mph!
  Julie Crazee Chick [12 Jun 2004]
• It doesn't make a difference when you take off your glasses... or shut your eyes
  THE Xi [14 Jun 2004]
• You feel sophisticated, but you can't pronounce it !
  Archie Bunker [16 Jun 2004]
• When you tell everyone that you're the designated driver, but you haven't got your license
  Mike Hunt [21 Jun 2004]
• You have the right to remain silent, but you don't have the ability to.
  Erhan Arat [10 Jul 2004]
• You call for a taxi cab... while riding in a taxi cab.
  CozB [24 Jul 2004]
• When the officers pull you over and you say "I swear to drunk I'm not god..."
  N K [9 Aug 2004]
• If you're sitting on the toilet and have to look down to remember if you've already pissed.
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• When you puke in the bed and fall asleep in the toilet.
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• When you swear you don't need a designated driver any more because the bird outside told you it would teach you how to fly.
  Sarah Sarah [2 Oct 2004]
• When you tell the bouncer "Im not as think as you drunk I am"
  April Fraga [19 Oct 2004]
• You get pulled over for a breath test and the tube to the testing machine melts when you blow into it.
  Lee Wardle [28 Oct 2004]
• You know you are drunk when you actually find GORSKYS.COM funny.
  Sasha Morgann [26 Nov 2004]
• You read this website and laugh.....AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA....wow?
  Billy Tang [31 Dec 2004]
• ...without any warning it's suddenly the next morning
  Alice Wicke [3 Jan 2005]
• When every song on the radio is YOUR song.
  Jessie By the way I'm drunk rite know no jokes [4 Jan 2005]
• That your friends have more than one head.
  SoccerD SoccerD [13 Jan 2005]
• When you enjoy Yani's songs.
  Herry Dong [20 Jan 2005]
• Ted Kennedy starts to make sense after you try drinking him under the table.
  flat lander [10 Feb 2005]
• You look at yourself at the mirror and see your reflection covered in blood and you don't remember who you killed.
  A. A. [22 Feb 2005]
• You're gettin really really pissed off because the toilet seat keeps hittin u in the head.
  Stu pididiot [26 Feb 2005]
• When the Police offer to give you a free bed for the night and park your car for you!
  Cyn Icle [5 Mar 2005]
• You don't remember whether you have a car or not.
  Gary Shields [10 Mar 2005]
• When Canadain singers sound good!
  Jerm the lysol king [24 Mar 2005]
• You think the "Nutcracker Suite" is the best room at the Holidy Inn.
  Gerald Jed [9 Apr 2005]
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  melon melon head [16 Apr 2005]
• It takes all your strength to hold onto the floor!
  Sean [23 Apr 2005]
• Just to show your sensitive side you try your hand at actually initiating a conversation with your wife, saying how you love the new automatic night light in the toilet, and she screams "Shit, Harry! You just pissed in the fridge again!"
  mantlebrott sit [30 Apr 2005]
• You convince your friend he is way too drunk to drive and take his keys only to take his car on a joyride and wrap it round a tree.
  Marcus Dallidong [1 May 2005]
• When you have just convinced a bunch of random people that nuclear fusion is the way of the future, then realised that you don't even know what uranium is
  Marcus Dallidong [1 May 2005]
• When you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off of the Earth.
  d0nkey number 5 [21 May 2005]
• When you drive 30mph on the freeway because you dont wanna get busted for drunk driving.
  Some Kid [24 May 2005]
• You hold on the curb because you've fallen over and you think you're hanging off a cliff.
  david arnold [28 May 2005]
• You decide to "borrow" a police car because you like the lights and siren.
  martin scarbrough [11 Jun 2005]
• You spend 120 dollars saying you can drink 20 beers, all for a ten dollar bet.
  Cayla Cayla [15 Jun 2005]
• You cant find the ignition on the fire hydrant
  Diana [18 Jun 2005]
• You decide to keep that worm in the bottom of your tequila bottle as a pet and name it Fork.
  Diana [18 Jun 2005]
• You're too drunk to drive when you ring up the local police station reporting murders miles away just to reduce your chances of being pulled over
  martin scarbrough [23 Jun 2005]
• You're too drunk to drive when you decide a supermarket trolley would be a better method of transport anyway.
  martin scarbrough [23 Jun 2005]
• You know your too drunk to drive when you pash every one at the party including your parents
  ashy fryer [9 Jul 2005]
• Somebody comes over to talk to you and you suddenly scream "I AM NOT GAY"
  melon mel [10 Jul 2005]
• Five ex-girlfriends whom you have not heard from for more than a year have hung up on you. They then ignore all of your text messages.
  G G [12 Jul 2005]
• When you realise your nice hat is actually your knickers, and they might not be that clean.
  Emma Kane [15 Jul 2005]
• You know you're drunk when you read Shakespeare... and it makes sense.
  John McNally Jr [17 Jul 2005]
• You can see straight only if you close one eye.
  grady daddy [25 Jul 2005]
• you know your drunk when everyone but you is slanting sideways
  david arnold [29 Jul 2005]
• You know you're drunk when you find yourself revealing your all time sexual fantasies to everyone you know, just as simply as if you were talking about the weather.
  Danielle [6 Aug 2005]
• You're too drunk to drive when you try to pee on the grass... and miss.
  mantelbrott set [13 Aug 2005]
• When you can read this line: No occifer. I'm not a tittle lipsy.
  Your Mom [20 Aug 2005]
• You start having a conversation with a parked car, before moving on to groping it and talking dirty to it.
  God [27 Aug 2005]
• In the process of attempting to wake up your passed out friend in the back seat of your car, you pass out as well.
  Pissin [23 Sep 2005]
• When you run into a parked car.......more than once, and then try beating the shit out of it for messing with you.
  Krissy Jasmine Julius aka Krazy K [29 Sep 2005]
• You know you're drunk when you pee into your beer glass... and then drink it thinking it's beer.
  Chris 1977rules [6 Oct 2005]
• When you get stopped at the booze bus, and in your most sober voice, open the door and fall out saying "Good after bull constanoon, I wasn't expeeding the seed limit was I?"
  funnybonesup [10 Oct 2005]
• You get into an argument about what kind of pants politicians wear.
  Crystal Jackson [10 Nov 2005]
• You know you're drunk when you think swimming in the ocean at 3am to get to the other side of the world seems like a really good idea.
  Rush^ [13 Nov 2005]
• When you make 100 phone calls to people you have been avoiding for a year to tell them how much you love them
  Tasha Tasha [7 Mar 2006]
• You know that you were to drunk to drive when you dreamt of eatting a marshmallow then the next morning your pillow is gone.
  Becca [14 Apr 2006]
• (for the guys) When you hook up with a hot chick and in the morning realize you screwed a 40 year old drag queen.
  Tiff [30 Oct 2006]
• You spend the rest of the night listening to yourself on your home phone while talking to yourself from your mobile
  David Jegede-Brimson [6 Jun 2008]
• Against your better judgment, you try to reach the top shelf by standing on the rotating office chair. Suddenly the ground seems to be falling out from underneath you. You command your limbs to take action, but they do nothing. You hit the ground hard, but feel no pain...
  Laze Doctor [30 Jun 2008]
• You look up how to tell if you're drunk on the internet on your scanner.
  Bill Guastalla [8 Nov 2008]

How do you tell?

How do you work out if you're sober enough to drive? Send in your ideas, and we'll add the funniest ones to GORSKYS.COMedy.