Tom Hanks Is Jesus

February 1st, 2001
tom hanks is jesus Tom Hanks Is Jesus

Tom Hanks could turn a watery movie with no dialogue into box-office wine.

Many people believe Tom Hanks is simply an actor. But, there’s more to him than a man simply parroting the lines of the writer, a mere puppet of the director.

But, think of the wisdom he handed down in Forrest Gump. Consider the dignity he had in Philadelphia. Tom Hanks is quite clearly the greatest teacher in the history of the world since Jesus Christ.

In fact, Tom Hanks is Jesus, and we’ve got proof.

It’s obvious really. He died in Philadelphia, but he’s back again, alive and well, bearded and leading his disciple (OK, so it’s a volleyball, but hey) back to the promised land in Cast Away.

Here are more clues about why Tom Hanks is Jesus.

  • In Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks motto was “Stupid is as stupid does”. Jesus was born on Christmas Day, which everyone agrees is really stupid, because it cuts down the number of presents you get.
  • In Big, Tom Hanks was boy in the body of a man. In The Bible, Jesus was God in the body of a man.
  • In Cast Away, Tom Hanks grows a beard. Jesus had a beard.
  • In Apollo 13, Tom Hanks went into outer space for just over three days, then came back to earth. No one knows where Jesus went between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, but it could have been the outer space.
  • Tom starred in The Man With One Red Shoe. Jesus wore sandals, and although their colour isn’t mentioned, they were probably red.
  • Jesus invented the miracle of the loaves and fishes. Tom starred with a half-woman/half-fish in Splash.
  • Tom Hanks has appeared in three movies with Meg Ryan. Jesus is part of the holy trinity – Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
  • Tom’s first TV appearance was on the Love Boat. Jesus said “Love thy neighbour”.
  • Tom wrote the classic That Thing You Do. Jesus wrote the classic The Lord’s Prayer.
  • Tom Hanks was in Bachelor Party. Jesus was a bachelor.
  • In A League Of Their Own, Tom played a baseball coach, and gave the team tips on how to play better. In The Bible, Jesus plays the messiah, and give his followers tips on how to live better.
  • Tom appeared in the documentary I Am Your Child. Jesus said he was the Son of God.
  • Tom was Woody in Toy Story 2, the sequel to Toy Story. Jesus was in the New Testament, the sequel to the Old Testament.

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Tom Hanks Is Jesus

Your Evidence

  1. Tom Hanks starred in Apollo 13. Apollo was a god, and supposedly Jesus was God!

    Current score: 0

    Daniel Peters [07/01/2003]

  2. Willem Dafore played Jesus in The Last Temptation of Christ, which also starred Harvey Keitel. Harvey Keitel was in Taxi Driver which also starred Robert DeNiro. Robert DeNiro was in Falling in Love with Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep was in The River Wild with Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon was in Apollo 13 with…Tom Hanks! Spooky.

    Current score: 0

    Jamie Forbes <span class="josanswer">[This is conclusive evidence that Tom Hanks is also Willem Dafoe - Liam]</span> [07/01/2003]

  3. Tom Hanks has the same car as Jesus. An Oldsmobile… except, Jesus’s model was a "Really Oldsmobile"

    Current score: 0

    Ben Maynard [07/01/2003]

  4. Tom Hanks was in the movie Apollo Thirteen. Jesus hung around with twelve other blokes. If you add Jesus to that amount of blokes you get thirteen blokes. And there was probably lots of polio when Jesus was around, which sounds a lot like Apollo

    Current score: 0

    Brendan [07/01/2003]

  5. Tom Hanks starred in Turner and Hooch, Jesus worked with all kinds of creatures, probably even dogs.

    Current score: 0

    Lauren Silly Pants [07/01/2003]

  6. The ‘H’ in Jesus H. Christ stands for ‘Hanks’.

    Current score: 0

    Jimbob [07/01/2003]

  7. In Forest Gump,Tom Hanks said "Life is like a box of chocolates". After the last supper, Jesus handed out chocolate after dinner mints.

    Current score: 0

    Carl Malden [07/01/2003]

  8. Jesus died on the cross, and Tom sometimes gets a bit cross, but not much.

    Current score: 0

    John [07/01/2003]

  9. Tom Hanks rhymes with planks. Jesus was a carpenter.

    Current score: 0

    Matt Kemp [07/01/2003]

  10. Jesus hung around with a bunch of guys. In "In a League of Their Own" Tom hung around with Rosie O’Donnell who may also be a guy.

    Current score: 0

    Jake Wilson [07/01/2003]

  11. Jews don’t think Tom Hanks is the Messiah, either.

    Current score: 0

    Ben [07/01/2003]

  12. Every time Tom Hanks wins another Oscar everyone yells, "Jesus!"

    Current score: 0

    Todd [07/01/2003]

  13. In Cast Away, Tom Hanks gets stranded on an island surrounded by water. Jesus walked on water!

    Current score: 0

    Noa and Nadav Gur-Arieh [07/01/2003]

  14. In the movie Cast Away Tom Hanks had a best freind and it was a ball! I am sure that like all other males Jesus’s best friend was his balls!

    Current score: 0

    Phil McCrackin [07/01/2003]

  15. In the movie You’ve Got Mail, Tom Hanks brought a large store to a neighborhood and put a smaller store out of business. Jesus brought a large religion to the neighborhood and put smaller religions out of business.

    Current score: 0

    Shay Pressler [07/01/2003]

  16. Tom Hanks fell in love with a big fish in Splash. Jesus loved the fish big time.

    Current score: 0

    Austin Michael [07/01/2003]

  17. Jesus was crucified for saying he was the son of God. Tom Hanks was crucifed for The Bonfire Of The Vanities.

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [07/01/2003]

  18. In the Toy Story movies, Tom Hanks played a character named "Woody." The cross on which Jesus was crucified was made of wood.

    Current score: 0

    Scott Petrovits [07/01/2003]

  19. Tom Hanks won back to back Oscars. Jesus was killed side to side with two thieves (who were may have been called Oscar).

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [07/01/2003]

  20. People flocked to the cinemas to see Tom Hanks’ cinema magic (also known as the miracle of cinema). People also flocked to the streets to see Jesus’ miracles.

    Current score: 0

    Norm Marsh [07/01/2003]

  21. Tom Hanks can’t act. Jesus couldn’t act either, otherwise he would have been able to win his trial and stay off the cross.

    Current score: 0

    Ron [07/01/2003]

  22. Tom Hanks saved Private Ryan’s body, Jesus saved his soul.

    Current score: 0

    Harry Tuport [07/01/2003]

  23. Tom Hanks starred in You’ve Got Mail. Jesus was male.

    Current score: 0

    Steven Rothenburger [07/01/2003]

  24. In Joe vs. The Volcano, Tom Hanks sacrificed his life for the good of the island people. In The Bible, Jesus sacrificed his life for the sins of the people. Plus, in Joe vs. The Volcano, Tom Hanks jumped into a volcano, and in The Bible Jesus lived in the Roman Empire, which had a big volcano called Mt. Vesuvius.

    Current score: 0

    Sabine [07/01/2003]

  25. Tom Hanks starred in Bosom Buddies with Peter Scolari. Jesus had a buddy named Peter.

    Current score: 0

    Lysandra [07/01/2003]

  26. after the resurection, Jesus also went up, sure, he went to heaven or what not, but thats just details, they both went up.

    Current score: 0

    Nathan Randall [07/01/2003]

  27. Tom Hanks went up in to outer space in

    Current score: 0

    Apollo 13 [07/01/2003]

  28. A mate of mine was whacking a nail into a bit of wood the other day, and he accidentally whacked his thumb with the hammer instead of the nail, and he shouted "Oh Tom Hanks!"

    Current score: 0

    Rob Macdermid [07/01/2003]

  29. On Bosom Buddies, Tom Hanks wore makeup and a dress. Jesus wore a shroud/tunic that looks very much like a dress.

    Current score: 0

    Melanie [07/01/2003]

  30. Tom Hanks is Jesus because if you take the name Tom Hanks and add a few letters, and take away some more, it spells Jesus! Freaky or what???

    Current score: 0

    Kim [07/01/2003]

What's Your Evidence?

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