Things I Wish I Learnt In School

Never give your mother an excuse to spit on a hanky and wipe your face.

Things You Wish You'd Learnt In School

• Life is a dick in the ass so it pays to invest in some good lube.
  John Bad [7 Jan 2003]
• Getting married for a joke is not funny.
  Dave [7 Jan 2003]
• If a person has had a restraining order placed on them by the SPCA, they don't really love you.
  Steven Rothenburger [7 Jan 2003]
• Don't piss in the wind!!
  Luca Pompilio [7 Jan 2003]
• Shampoo doesn't taste as nice as it smells but sunscreen does.
  Damon Stevesnon [7 Jan 2003]
• You may have seen it on the Discovery Channel, but no... Don't pick up a child by the scruff of the neck.
  Clare Hampson [7 Jan 2003]
• Never get into a strange man's car. Have sex with them in the park where there's more room.
  brian vo [7 Jan 2003]
• Commitment is for those who have run out of excuses to break-up.
  Von [7 Jan 2003]
• Sticks ands stones may break my bones, but words can cause permanent psychological damage.
  Bud Wiser [7 Jan 2003]
• If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck it'll probably be hosting the footy show in 6 months.
  brian vo [7 Jan 2003]
• Be nice to the kids you think are dorks, they are the ones who will have the money later.
  Tom Briseno [7 Jan 2003]
• If it tastes like fish then it's a dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone.
  Oloff [7 Jan 2003]
• Wasabi only looks the same as a chunk of avocado...
  Andrew Peck [7 Jan 2003]
• You know you're a dork when you can see everyone from your engineering class' names on submission internet sites like this.
  Dave Knight [7 Jan 2003]
• A packet of condoms comes with instructions, but a packet of disposable razors does not. Who has ever cut themselves putting on a condom?
  Jacques Hoerner [7 Jan 2003]
• As a young child, I learnt Communism, it was share this, share that, everyone has the same amount.... At school it was Feudal, everything went to the king of the castle.... In the real world it's capitalism, the one with the most wins.... I wish they taught us that straight off.
  Greg Dwyer [I agree Greg. If I'd known the real world wasn't a medieval society, I wouldn't have wasted my teenage years playing Dungeons and Dragons - Liam] [7 Jan 2003]
• In Las Vegas, having sex with a prostitute isn't cheating, its a souvenir.
  Tom Arnott [Surely, the crabs you take home is the souvenir - - Liam] [7 Jan 2003]
• Having a passing car run over your foot, even if it's slowly, will break all your toes.
  Fernando Rossi [7 Jan 2003]
• Dencorub is not good for men's bits.
  Gal [7 Jan 2003]
• The word syllable only has three whatsanames
  Dick Doff [7 Jan 2003]
• On the last day of high school, my teacher told me that age teaches us. I wish I had learned that sooner so I wouldnt have had to go all them years of school to learn what age teaches me anyway.
  Buzz Richards [7 Jan 2003]
• While clapping may bring Tinker Bell back to life, it won't work with the bodies in my basement.
  Christopher C. Hutcheson [7 Jan 2003]
• I wish I had learnt to fart on more teachers heads.
  Obnoxious Weed [7 Jan 2003]
• Virginity is sooo overated.
  Joy McClennan [7 Jan 2003]
• It's really not worth wasting a lot of time trying to swim like Patrick Duffy in the man from Atlantis.
  Matt Richardson [7 Jan 2003]
• Intelligent insults are lost on idiots, but it's still fun to see them all confused!
  Jane Mac [7 Jan 2003]
• If oils ain't oils......then what are they?
  Alice D [7 Jan 2003]
• I wish my teacher told me right off the bat ..boyz are great, every girl should own 1!
  Ashley Parsons [7 Jan 2003]
• You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, and hope they panic and give in.
  Courtney Robicheaux [7 Jan 2003]
• A bird holding your hand isnt nearly worth as much two hands in her bush!
  Gordon Bell [7 Jan 2003]
• Some grow out of it , some dont, some put out, most wont.
  Terrell Gilley [7 Jan 2003]
• Guys are like roses... watch out for the pricks!
  Missy Moo [7 Jan 2003]
• Always be as dishonest as possible. Lying and cheating can get you out of anything.
  somerandomloser [7 Jan 2003]
• A female clown is a clunt.
  Cheeky Girl [7 Jan 2003]
• Never walk in on anybody having sex!
  Juliana [7 Jan 2003]
• A bird in a hand is worth more than two in a bush.Not so if the bush has thorns and kills them for you.
  Iain Wang [7 Jan 2003]
• If it looks like poo and it smells like poo don't eat it
  . Caitie J [7 Jan 2003]
• It's always a good idea to carry two sacks around with you. That way, if someone asks you to give them a hand, you can say, "Sorry, but I've got these two sacks."
  D Seebs [7 Jan 2003]
• Steam rollers don't roll steam.
  Anonymous [7 Jan 2003]
• Sticky tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side, and holds the universe together.
  Mike Hunt [7 Jan 2003]
• Never eat anything bigger than your head.
  Rob Stott [7 Jan 2003]
• Liquor before beer, your in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker. If I had known this sooner, I might not have needed learn how many of my friends were willing to hold my hair while I puked.
  Angela Flanagan [7 Jan 2003]
• To make your self sick, put one thunb in your mouth and the other in your bum, and if that doesn't work swap 'em.
  Tim Myerscough [7 Jan 2003]
• Those who fall in vats of molten glass make spectacles of themselves.
  JM Lalicata [7 Jan 2003]
• No matter how much your best mate insists, joining the debating team is not a good way to meet chicks
  Chog the Frog [7 Jan 2003]
• Men are idiots no matter what they think.
  ag gurl [7 Jan 2003]
• It pays to have a geek for a best friend he might be the next bill gates.
  Paul Cruz [7 Jan 2003]
• If you fart in church, you will be sitting in your own pew.
  Matt Edwards [7 Jan 2003]
• Never put your head in anything with "head remover" written on the side.
  chog the frog [7 Jan 2003]
• Man who run behind car get exhausted, and man who run in front of car get tired.
  Anna Bananna [7 Jan 2003]
• You cannot fly by jumping over and over again off a bed with cardboard attached to your arms.
  Anna Bananna [7 Jan 2003]
• That a lie is like a pube on a toilet seat, sooner or later your going to get pissed off.
  Matt Pritchard [7 Jan 2003]
• If it doesnt look like poo, but it smells like poo, dont eat it. It is poo in disguise.
  Fuajk [7 Jan 2003]
• Never trust anyone who calls themselves "Uncle" Who's not really your uncle.
  Uncle Ickmo [7 Jan 2003]
• Beware of any entertainment experience described as " Zany".
  Uncle Ickmo [7 Jan 2003]
• When an old duffer at a family reunion uses such colourful folksy phrases as "Slicker 'n snot on a doorknob,"Beware-he could very well start doing magic tricks with coins any second
  . [7 Jan 2003]
• Uncle I
  Uncle Ickmo [7 Jan 2003]
• Just do it. If that doesn't do it, just undo it.
  Uncle Ickmo [7 Jan 2003]
• Beware of buisness enterprises that require you to stand by the side of a highway dressed in a chicken suit and wave wildly at passing cars.
  Uncle Ickmo [7 Jan 2003]
• Don't drink and drive... You might go over a speed hump and spill your beer.
  The Killer Gnome [7 Jan 2003]
• He who lives in a glass house should build the bathroom in the basement.
  Wabash Kozak [7 Jan 2003]
• If you dont know the answer, deny the existence of the question.
  Imogene [7 Jan 2003]
• If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• No matter how tempting it is to be at one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• Never tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• If you're on a baseball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up, cover it with your arms and duck.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• Never, ever, throw a brick directly up.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• Over the past few days, I learned a few things about Tiger Balm, and here they are: Do not eat tiger balm. Do not make little siblings eat tiger balm. Do not rub tiger balm onto your genitals. Do not put tiger balm on your eye. It hurts. You cannot fix VCR's with tiger balm. Tiger balm is not really made from tigers. Tiger balm is hard to get out of your hair. Tiger balm is not the other other white meat - it isn't really even meat at all. Once again - Do not eat tiger balm. Do not use tiger balm for its other use. Do not try to tame wild animals at the zoo with tiger balm. Do not use tiger balm as a lubricant. You should not fill a pool with tiger balm. The pool filters do not like tiger balm. And, tiger balm is not a good sandwich-spread.
  will.i.am [7 Jan 2003]
• If it smells like shit and tastes like shit......hold on.......why did you taste something that smelles like shit?
  buddy [7 Jan 2003]
• Guys are like carparks. The Only ones left are disabled.
  Miss Mel [7 Jan 2003]
• Coming first is only good if someone's behind you.
  suga.z [7 Jan 2003]
• Never put a light bulb in your back pocket.
  dread [7 Jan 2003]
• Always make sure the bungee cord is shorter than the distance to the ground
  dread [7 Jan 2003]
• Crocodiles do NOT play snap.
  dread [7 Jan 2003]
• Chasing fat kids is good excersise for both you AND the fat kids.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• If it hurts to remove your underwear then, probably, you shouldn't put it off so long next time.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• In mixed company, don't poke fun at cripples. I'm the only one who finds that funny.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• Yarn can be yummy.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• When a girl's father asks you what your intentions are towards his daughter, never be honest. It'll only get you a burst mouth.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• My brother does not look good in a halter top.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• When the going gets tough, my girlfriend takes my stereo and splits.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• My superpowers only kick in once I'm well and truly drunk.
  Fraser McLaughlin [7 Jan 2003]
• How to become a Jedi and battle the forces of the Sith!
  guy [7 Jan 2003]
• Soap isnt always the reason for burning when you pee!!
  PHIL MCRACKEN [7 Jan 2003]
• When having sex, it's always good to move some time at the hips. If you don't, sex can become somewhat boring. Sex-ed didn't teach anyone that important fact, did it?
  Godlfish Poodle Boy [7 Jan 2003]
• Not to squat with my spurs on.
  quickchaser [7 Jan 2003]
• How to make sex last longer than 10 sec
  Will G [22 Mar 2003]
• Masturbating in front of your girl does not count as a threesome
  Will G [22 Mar 2003]
• Having sex with your hand is something you DO NOT brag about with your friends
  Will G [22 Mar 2003]
• Your dog can lick its own balls, but it is not recommended for your dog to lick your balls as well.
  Will G [22 Mar 2003]
• Never have campfires in your living room.
  Murphy Murphy [14 Apr 2003]
• Making a ladder from clothes to climb out of your apartment window is NOT a good idea
  lala lolo [20 Apr 2003]
• Never egg a hooker when her pimp is standing right there.
  Laura E [2 May 2003]
• Sticks and stones may break my bones; but whips and chains excite me!
  HeLGA [8 May 2003]
• Never drink beer from an ashtray.
  CozB [11 May 2003]
• When they say "sticks and stones will break my bones", they don't mean they're the only things that can.
  CozB [19 May 2003]
• Never let your parents buy your clothes.
  CozB [24 May 2003]
• Dogs don't actually say "bow-wow"
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [14 Jun 2003]
• Don't eat yellow snow
  Make [31 Jul 2003]
• Chicken Liver paté only LOOKS like chocolate sauce.
  Jason Hall [4 Aug 2003]
• I would be a lot smarter if someone would have told me that "poly" (meaning many) combined with tics (blood sucking parasites) = 'POLITICS'!
  scott quick [14 Aug 2003]
• How NOT to sound like a complete moron when I write on the back of a postcard!
  scott quick [18 Aug 2003]
• Don't have a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same day
  mitchy [28 Oct 2003]
• "Roe vs Wade" were NOT fishing options.
  scott quick [8 Nov 2003]
• When you are flying and you need to hide your "stash", buy a dog and stuff it up it's ass! When the drug dog sniffs your dogs ass and starts barking, everyone will just think this is normal!
  scott quick [11 Nov 2003]
• When someone says to you "Bite me!", don't actually do it. That also goes for "Kiss my butt!", "Suck on this!", etc.
  CozB [12 Dec 2003]
• If you can carry two cups of coffee in both hands, and can still carry a dozen doughnuts, you will be the most popular guy at the nudist camp.
  scott quick [16 Dec 2003]
• When you have your first sexual experience, you only have 2 seconds to enjoy it.
  toni blackwell [27 Dec 2003]
• You can pick your friends and, you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the window.
  Bunnie the Vampyre [2 Jan 2004]
• You can pick your nose, and you pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
  heather mae [2 Jan 2004]
• Your own farts are great, but your own snot is always disgusting!
  scott quick [6 Jan 2004]
• Snot bubbles do not float in the air. They drop on your left shoe.
  scott quick [6 Jan 2004]
• The space between a woman's breasts and her groin is a W-A-I-S-T, not a W-A-S-T-E.
  scott quick [18 Jan 2004]
• The reason they are called Wonder Bra's is when they take them off, you 'wonder' what happened to their tits.
  scott quick [18 Jan 2004]
• An object that is brown, 6 inches long, has 2 nuts, and can make a girl gain weight is actually an "Almond Joy".
  scott quick [18 Jan 2004]
• A woman's right to choose is not between 'silicone' and 'saline'.
  scott quick [19 Jan 2004]
• Chicken noodle soup and a blanket won't help cure AIDS. Be nice if they did, though.
  Goldfish Poodle Boy [22 Jan 2004]
• "Pre" means 'before'!...So a Pre-heated oven is actually room tempature!
  scott quick [23 Jan 2004]
• Me fail english? That's unpossible!
  your mom [8 Mar 2004]
• If almond oil is made from almonds, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?
  Jen Col [12 Mar 2004]
• Tom smells of wee
  Lucy Bater [11 May 2004]
• Banks lend you an umbrella in good weather then ask for it back when it rains.
  Lucy B [11 May 2004]
• No matter how much of a wanker someone is, at one amazing point in their existence they beat 50 000 000 other hopefuls to an egg!
  Cyn Icle [13 Jul 2004]
• Credit cards give you money, but interest takes it away
  Blitz [29 Jul 2004]
• That when ur drunk and bashing up batman to show him who's boss, its actually a nun.
  mackenzie Davis [13 Oct 2004]
• Never stick chewing gum under your own desk! It will piss you of every morning.
  wildman beech [12 Dec 2004]
• Your parents will know when you dye your hair pink.
  Unsnapped Gorgan [22 Mar 2005]
• Friends will come bail you out of jail, good friends won't tell your parents, and best friends are sittin' right next to you sayin' "Damn! That was awesome!"
  Unsnapped Gogon [22 Mar 2005]
• If everyone was a midget, we'd all have twice as much food.
  Cerilli [24 Apr 2005]
• MRSA is not a song by the Village People, it is a disease resistant to antibiotics.
  Anonymous Dude [15 Jun 2005]
• Christmas is in December, not May. It is also not a good idea to try and skip school by saying that you woke up thinking it was Christmas.
  Anonymous Dude [12 Aug 2005]
• there's never a good reason to shave the cat
  david arnold [4 Sep 2005]
• Masturbation is a great way to explore your sexuality and is a perfectly normal thing which all teenage boys do. This fact aside don't let your parents catch you doing it.
  david arnold [8 Jan 2007]
• Not to 'save' an ice-cream for later by putting it in your shorts pocket.
  Tiffany Martin [10 Jan 2007]
• Don't go home with a guy who wants to show you his gun collection.
  Maggie Lane [19 Mar 2007]

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