Never give your mother an excuse to spit on a hanky and wipe your face.
Many people say that it’s good to learn from your mistakes. But there are some mistakes you should never make.
Like joining Amway. Or believing the nutritional-content pamphlets at McDonalds. It ain’t nutritional if it’s not in any known food group.
This month, take our useful advice that will help prevent you from such embarrassing incidents. It’s much more fun to laugh at someone else, and then learn from their mistakes.
- The downside of storing 100 rolls of spare toilet paper is a lot less bad than the downside of having one sheet too few.
- Reach for the stars, but try not to fall in front of the paparazzi.
- There aren’t any prizes for coming last, except at kindergarten.
- Be careful what you ask for; the repayments can be a killer.
- It’s not what you know, but what you say “no” to that’s important.
- Always put your shoes on after your underpants.
- What you don’t know could be very interesting.
- To err is human. To fuck up is computer. To annoy the shit out of you and fuck up at the same time is Microsoft.
- There are two types of people in this world. That’s all. Just two.
- Always get an itemised receipt. Except from a prostitute.
- A bird in the bush is worth $80.
- Necessity is the mother of invention. But the father is a condom made of cling film.
- If at first you don’t succeed, pretend you didn’t want to succeed in the first place
I would be a lot smarter if someone would have told me that “poly” (meaning many) combined with tics (blood sucking parasites) = ‘POLITICS’!
How NOT to sound like a complete moron when I write on the back of a postcard!
Don’t have a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same day
“Roe vs Wade” were NOT fishing options.
When you are flying and you need to hide your “stash”, buy a dog and stuff it up it’s ass! When the drug dog sniffs your dogs ass and starts barking, everyone will just think this is normal!
When someone says to you “Bite me!”, don’t actually do it. That also goes for “Kiss my butt!”, “Suck on this!”, etc.
If you can carry two cups of coffee in both hands, and can still carry a dozen doughnuts, you will be the most popular guy at the nudist camp.
When you have your first sexual experience, you only have 2 seconds to enjoy it.
You can pick your friends and, you can pick your nose, but you can’t flick your friends out the window.
You can pick your nose, and you pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.
Your own farts are great, but your own snot is always disgusting!
Snot bubbles do not float in the air. They drop on your left shoe.
The space between a woman’s breasts and her groin is a W-A-I-S-T, not a W-A-S-T-E.
The reason they are called Wonder Bra’s is when they take them off, you ‘wonder’ what happened to their tits.
An object that is brown, 6 inches long, has 2 nuts, and can make a girl gain weight is actually an “Almond Joy”.
A woman’s right to choose is not between ’silicone’ and ’saline’.
Chicken noodle soup and a blanket won’t help cure AIDS. Be nice if they did, though.
“Pre” means ‘before’!…So a Pre-heated oven is actually room tempature!
Me fail english? That’s unpossible!
If almond oil is made from almonds, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made from?
Banks lend you an umbrella in good weather then ask for it back when it rains.
Tom smells of wee
No matter how much of a wanker someone is, at one amazing point in their existence they beat 50 000 000 other hopefuls to an egg!
Credit cards give you money, but interest takes it away
That when ur drunk and bashing up batman to show him who’s boss, its actually a nun.
Never stick chewing gum under your own desk! It will piss you of every morning.
Friends will come bail you out of jail, good friends won’t tell your parents, and best friends are sittin’ right next to you sayin’ “Damn! That was awesome!”
Your parents will know when you dye your hair pink.
If everyone was a midget, we’d all have twice as much food.
MRSA is not a song by the Village People, it is a disease resistant to antibiotics.