The Tourists Guide to the Moon

Space suits look pretty much the same, so before you go the grope, make sure it's actually your partner.

Your lunar holiday advice...

• Pulling a moonie could vary in many ways. I suggest a prothestic arse for general merriment and certain non-death activities.
  Joy Bates [4 Feb 2004]
• Just think of the money you could make writing a book titled "Floating Sexual Positions"
  Scott (formally scott) [4 Feb 2004]
• Moon-rocks would be worthless on the moon, but Earth-rocks on the other hand would be, well, ah, worthless too I guess!
  Scott (formally scott) [4 Feb 2004]
• Pink Floyd albums everywhere will lose all sense of mystery.
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• 90% of the population in a lunar base would be composed of Star Wars geeks and Trekkies who're there to "live out their dream."
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• In the first lunar dome:
  "Hey, there! My name's Franklin. Nice to meet you. So, what do you do? You mean you're an insurance salesman TOO? You're the 15th I've met today! Geez, an entire colony composed of lawyers, used car salesmen, and us insurance guys. Why do you think...do you hear a hissing noise?"
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• Just pray that Arnold doesn't become governor. Total Recall, anyone?
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• All the people that move to the moon will be goth/punk/angsty people who are "tired of this crappy planet." Imagine a GOTH LUNAR COLONY.
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• Luna University. I don't know if beer and low gravity is such a good idea...but they'll do it anyways.
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• Imagine... EVERY person who has ever seen Airplane II will make a joke about it on the way there.
  The Mad Josher [6 Feb 2004]
• Bring ear plugs! If you have kids you would go crazy listening to "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
  Scott (formally) scott [6 Feb 2004]
• If your low on cash, become a moon-hobo. There's little difference from an Earth-hobo except coins flipped at you take longer to hit the ground and if a policeman/rich person/politician kicks you, you fly much further through the air
  Kegs Richardson [7 Feb 2004]
• Bring silver bullets--the full moon is fairly constant on the moon, so werewolves are out all the time!
  Stinky Skunk [11 Feb 2004]
• Its so much easier to get high on the moon.
  Sonix [12 Feb 2004]
• Become a weapons Inspector! You get to go for free. The only reason Bush wants to go to the Moon is because the NSA had Blix's phone tapped when he said, "If those weapons of mass destruction exists, they're on the dark side of the moon by now".
  Mike Richards [26 Feb 2004]
• WOW! Let's cut the cheese!
  hal bullard [27 Feb 2004]
• When you get really drunk at the football, you can pull down your pants and "earth" the umpire.
  brian vo [29 Feb 2004]
• You'll wake up with red scratchy bites from all the "lunar ticks" they've got up there.
  brian vo [4 Mar 2004]
• The national anthem of the moon will be 'Walking on the Moon'
  Matt B [8 May 2004]
• You won't have to be Michael Jackson to do the Moonwalk!
  CozB [21 May 2004]
• Drink moonshine and eat moon-pies at your own wedding to Soleil Moon Frye officiated by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.
  King Superspecial [6 Jul 2004]
• Bring a camera to prove the fake landing
  mike [8 Jul 2004]
• If your into astronomy then head for the dark side. There's no light pollution and you'll have a clear view of the stars, even if we couldn't see them in NASA's moonlanding pictures.
  Cyn Icle [13 Jul 2004]
• If 50% of the dust on earth is actually dust-mites, then bring a battery-operated vaccum cleaner.
  Barney B [22 Aug 2004]
• A trip to the doctor is not advised, as being asked to drop your space pants for a closer inspection is fatal.
  Macca J [29 Dec 2004]
• Don't jump too high on the moon. You might just fly off into orbit.
  Kara Somos [18 Feb 2005]
• Lets play the "stomp really hard and try to crash the moon into earth" game!
  chris chris fayter [23 May 2005]
• Flashers are often mistaken for suicide bombers on the moon. They open their flys and blamm!! Same result.
  mantelbrott set [6 Aug 2005]
• Wow, line-of-sight reception really works here. My cell phone just locked onto 14,280 mobile towers.
  funnybonesup [9 Aug 2005]
• Cell phone bills here are gi-normous. You ring mum to say hi, and with the transmission/distance time delay, you get an answer back sometime after lunch. Lets see, galactic flagfall $240....plus $160 per nanosec....plus interplanetary roaming premium...Plus GST........OH NO! It's Mum's bloody answering service!!!
  funnybonesup [9 Aug 2005]
• If you get diarrhoea on the moon and get trapped in there with it, just unzip your suit and remove your helmet! It ain't worth all the anguish and excrutiation, just open the suit.
  funnybonesup [9 Aug 2005]
• Don't fly there on the evening of a "new moon". You're liable to spend the whole darn holiday looking for the stupid thing.
  funnybonesup [9 Aug 2005]
• Not surprisingly, there are no incidents reported of repeat offenders amongst football grand final streakers.
  mantelbrott set [10 Sep 2005]
• HINT! If you're out on a lunar picnic, make sure you tape down your laptop. The ventilation fan will boost them to escape velocity.
  funnybonesup [25 Sep 2005]
• Be sure to take a wee before going on extended lunar hikes. I got lost and by the time they found me I was standing on tiptoes so I wouldn't drown.
  funnybonesup [30 Sep 2005]
• They really give you strange looks here when you go to hire a spacesuit for your inflatable companion.
  funnybonesup [2 Oct 2005]
• Pogo sticks are banned here now.... getting too expensive rescuing swarms of New Zealanders from low moon orbit.
  mantelbrott set [2 Oct 2005]
• Its a little known fact but the moon landing was one of Stanley Kubricks greatest hits. Everyone saw it!
  mantelbrott set [3 Oct 2005]
• The moon will be full of people from Wisconsin who were told the moon was made of cheese. In other news, Canada invades Wisconsin...
  Jerm [24 Nov 2005]
• Bring lots of crackers! They will go great with all that free green cheese!
  Scott Quick [2 May 2006]
• You get to see rocks and craters and rocks that look like craters
  david arnold [9 Jul 2006]
• HINT! Even if you are on the moon you shouldn´t date someone who brings his laptop at a picnic.
  Gogu Vasilica [24 Jul 2006]

What's your advice for a trip to the moon?

Got a good travel tip for the Moon? We'll add the funniest suggestions to GORSKYS.COMedy.