Alternatives To Having A Seeing-Eye Dog

May 1st, 2004

Liam and his seeing eye seagull.

Liam and his seeing-eye seagull.

Seeing-eye dogs perform an invaluable service to the blind. Every day, millions of seeing-eye dogs help their owners lead normal lives. The dogs navigate through traffic and take their owners to the shops. Always to the butcher – there’s a reason there are no vegetarian blind people, you know.

Unfortunately, it costs about $20,000 to train a guide dog, and the whole process takes years. This makes them beyond the reach of many.

Since we were teenagers, and were given the option of stopping masturbating or going blind, we’ve done research into cheap alternatives to a seeing-eye dog.

This month, we present our findings.

  • Seeing-eye Cat – Can purr loudly at the sign of danger. Of course, you’d never leave the house, as it would refuse to get off the window sill. Or go out in the rain.
  • Seeing-eye Leopard – Just makes you see spots, and would probably eat you.
  • Seeing-eye Three-toed Sloth – Never has the energy to leave the house.
  • Seeing-eye Snail – Takes three years to escort you to the corner store.
  • Seeing-eye Rabbit – Eats all the carrots, making you even more blind.
  • Seeing-eye Goldfish – Fast and efficient, but has trouble remembering how to get anywhere. Underwater locations only.
  • Seeing-eye Gerbil – Just leads you up your own trouser leg.
  • Seeing-eye Elephant – Always remembers how to get somewhere, but too big to take inside once you get there.
  • Seeing-eye Gorilla – Marvellous for taking you to the bananas in the supermarket, but that’s it.
  • Seeing-eye Guinea Pig – Terrific for conducting experiments, such as the fastest way to get to the pub. Often takes you round and round in circles.
  • Seeing-eye Tortoise – Oddly, always seem to gets you to your destination faster than a Seeing-eye Hare.
  • Seeing-eye Cheetah – You’ll never be late again. You may be puffing like a pack-a-day smoker after climbing a flight of stairs from trying to keep up, but you’ll you’ll never keep someone waiting.
  • Seeing-eye Ant – Not very fast, but if you can get tired, it can call its friends and carry you home.
  • Seeing-eye Koala – Excellent if the only place you want to go is the top of the nearest tree.
  • Seeing-eye Fly – Can warn you if someone is walking up behind you.
  • Seeing-eye Bat – Wonderful for walking at night, but you often come home covered in blood.
  • Seeing-eye Snake – Hard to control, as they keep slithering out of their collars.
  • Seeing-eye Crab – Can only follow a straight route when it’s drunk.
  • Seeing-eye Sea Anemone – Hopeless, as it has no eyes.
  • Seeing-eye Blue Whale – These 150-ton behemoths of the ocean have eyes 15cm in diameter, so they see well, but can only take you to Atlantis.
  • Seeing-eye Chicken – Perfect if you want to cross the road.

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Alternatives To Having A Seeing-Eye Dog

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