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Alternatives to Having a Seeing Eye Dog
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"If you need to be led to scraps of food," Liam says, "You can't go past a Seeing-eye Seagull."
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Seeing-eye dogs perform an invaluable service to the blind. Every day, millions of seeing-eye dogs help their owners lead normal lives. The dogs navigate through traffic and take their owners to the shops. Always to the butcher - there's a reason there are no vegetarian blind people, you know.
Unfortunately, it costs about $20,000 to train a guide dog, and the whole process takes years. This makes them beyond the reach of many.
Since we were teenagers, and were given the option of stopping masturbating or going blind, we've done research into cheap alternatives to a seeing-eye dog.
This month, we present our findings.
- Seeing eye Cat - Can purr loudly at the sign of danger. Of course, you'd never leave the house, as it would refuse to get off the window sill. Or go out in the rain.
- Seeing-eye Leopard - Just makes you see spots, and would probably eat you.
- Seeing-eye Three-toed Sloth - Never has the energy to leave the house.
- Seeing-eye Snail - Takes three years to escort you to the corner store.
- Seeing-eye Rabbit - Eats all the carrots, making you even more blind.
- Seeing-eye Goldfish - Fast and efficient, but has trouble remembering how to get anywhere. Underwater locations only.
- Seeing-eye Gerbil - Just leads you up your own trouser leg.
- Seeing-eye Elephant - Always remembers how to get somewhere, but too big to take inside once you get there.
- Seeing-eye Gorilla - Marvellous for taking you to the bananas in the supermarket, but that's it.
- Seeing-eye Guinea Pig - Terrific for conducting experiments such as the fastest way to get to the pub. Often takes you round and round in circles.
- Seeing-eye Tortoise - Oddly, always seem to gets you to your destination faster than a Seeing-eye Hare.
- Seeing-eye Cheetah - You'll never be late again. You may be puffing like a pack-a-day smoker after climibing a flight of stairs from trying to keep up, but you'll you'll never keep someone waiting.
- Seeing-eye Ant - Not very fast, but if you can get tired, it can call its friends and carry you home.
- Seeing-eye Koala - Excellent if the only place you want to go is the top of the nearest tree.
- Seeing-eye Fly - Can warn you if someone is walking up behind you.
- Seeing-eye Bat - Wonderful for walking at night, but you often come home covered in blood.
- Seeing-eye Snake - Hard to control, as they keep slithering out of their collars.
- Seeing-eye Crab - Can only follow a straight route when it's drunk
- Seeing-eye Sea Anemone - Hopeless, as it has no eyes.
- Seeing-eye Blue Whale - These 150 ton behemoths of the ocean have eyes 15 cm in diameter, so see well, but they can only take you to Atlantis.
- Seeing-eye Chicken - Perfect if you want to cross the road.
Other people's seeing-eye pets
- Seeing-eye Dragon - Perfect for burning villages, eating livestock, and getting rid of pesky adventurer-heroes. Remember to raise it from an egg, or it'll burn and eat you, too. Good for cooking mamma's pot roast as well. Cuddling up to it in the cold of winter optional.
Silent Dan [5 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Pig - Always leads you away from the butcher, though often going to the dump instead isn't much of a compromise.
Silent Dan [5 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye mouse - Perfect for cheese lovers. May get eaten by cats, though.
CozB [8 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Giraffe - It's very tall, so it can lead you out of forests, jungles and crowds. Also has a long neck, making it easier to put a leash on it.
CozB [8 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Orca - For men who are prone to 'free willy' after leaving the bathroom with their fly undone.
Jess [8 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Child - Why not? They cost nothing to make, can even be fun to do so! Just put em on a leash, as some parents do anyway, and let them start contributing to society from the start of their life.
Andrew Brisbane [8 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Kangaroo - Fast, although could be a bit bumpy. Comes feature packed with storage compartment. Beware of fences.
Andrew Brisbane [8 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Pig - Smarter than a dog, eats anything, tracking system if lost leash (follow the smell) and can come in handy on the Christmas dinner table if short of meat.
Andrew Brisbane [8 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Donkey - We apologise to any blind people who tried out the beta version of the Seeing Eye Donkey and found it to be a pain in the ass.
Andrew Brisbane [8 May 2004]
- Seeing eye wombat - Great for blind guys who score at the pub with the eats roots and leaves thing, also handy if you live in a burrow.
bonesy [9 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye I - Thats right, for a good price I will use my leadership skills to lead the blind whenever they need me. My resume includes all the "hot" spots I know, like adult book stores, playgrounds, liquor stores & my 'black-market' buddies! It also includes my qualifications as a expert in the bodyguard field, such as the book on karate I almost finished reading and all the times I beat my little sister up! Limited time offer!
Scott (formerly scott) [9 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Dubya - Looking for your own country? Let 'seeing eye Dubya' lead you into the country of your own choice for a swift overthrow of the present government! *Oil rich countries extra*
Scott (formerly scott) [9 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Rabbit - Especially good for vegetarians since it'll most likely lead you to other people's vegetable gardens.
CozB [9 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Weasel - Especially good for blind lawyers and referees/umpires.
Capt Nemo [10 May 2004]
- Seeing eye Possum - It will stand in the middle of the road at night and look the driver in the eye wiht those cute pleading big brown eyes.
roarty girl - sydney [10 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Sheep - Follows anything, doubles as fashionable clothing or in some states/countries your partner. Bulk shipments available from Victorian ports.
Andrew Brisbane [12 May 2004]
- Seeing eye Eagle - Can hunt and see for miles but won't take you there, as you are too big. If you were smaller it would eat you.
roarty girl - sydney [14 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Mogwai - Big eyed, cute and cuddly however totally useless in brightly lit areas and on rainy days. Effective guard 'animal' when fed after midnight.
Andrew Brisbane [16 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Rhino - Never worry about getting hit by a car at the intersection. Rhino might have worse vision than you though.
Capt Nemo [18 May 2004]
- SEAing Eye Dog - Finally, a fully inflatable dog to guide you through the treacherous depths of the stormy seas.
Brian Vo [18 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Blind Person - Between the two of you, you should be able to get around twice as well as just the one. And think of all the things you'll will have in common!
Scott (formerly scott) [20 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Parrott - Screeches directions whilst crapping on your shoulder. Sometimes it bites your ear. Hard.
Capt Nemo [21 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Unicorn - Can't take you anywhere, since they don't exist
Agentguy The Sheep [24 May 2004]
- Seeing-eye Robot - With the latest AI technology, the Seeing-eye Robot is now on the market. Reliable and efficient, it can take you anywhere. Note: all assembly must be done by you, the blind person. Failure to build this robot since you are blind is not our fault. NO REFUND.
Agentguy The Sheep [24 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Phoenix - WARNING! Heatproof clothing must be worn at all times! Also, has a habit of trying to copulate with, and heavily scorching, pigeons
Daniel Wick [31 May 2004]
- Seeing Eye Black Labrador - Same as normal, just a different colour.
[But how would you tell? - Liam]
Goldfish Poodle Boy [2 Jun 2004]
- Seeing Eye Cockroach - Highly effective of clearing small, enclosed spaces. Also guaranteed against the Apocalypse.
Dan Wick [4 Jun 2004]
- Seeing-Eye Drunkard - Will somehow always direct you towards your own cleavage.
Jessica T [4 Jun 2004]
- Seeing Eyed Fish - All good for about 3-8 seconds!
HpN [5 Jun 2004]
- Seeing-Eye for the Straight Guy - It is only good for one day, but you will look great, feel great, have a cool looking home... although you wont be able to see it.
HpN [5 Jun 2004]
- Seeing Eye Doctor - Maybe if you had visited this guy you wouldn't be half blind, but I'm sure he would be happy to see you around.
Amanda Aguiar [5 Jun 2004]
- Seeing Eye Gorsky- Will allow you to walk head-first into lamp-posts and make smart-arsed remarks afterwards.
Dan Wick [7 Jun 2004]
- Seeing-Eye Dog with Extra Long Lead - Excellent for parachute jumpin. After jumping out of plane, wait for lead to become slack- dog has hit ground and now you must open your parachute.
Dan Wick [7 Jun 2004]
- Seeing Eye Boyfriend - Kinda like a seeing eye dog, just as efficient and hopefully just as loyal. Like all new products it offers an added bonus... He (generally) can't lick his own willy.
Kate [8 Jul 2004]
- Seeing Eye Immigrant - May sell you to a third world country to get his family to the states, but you don't have to bathe him!
Tony Lee [14 Aug 2004]
- Seeing Eye Hand Gun - Get everyone's attention and free parking wherever your kidnapped driver takes you!
Tony Lee [14 Aug 2004]
- Seeing-Eye Kangaroo - It is 'bound' to get you where you want to go (at the expense of the meal you just ate).
Marion H [17 Aug 2004]
- Seeing-Eye skunk - Just follow the scent!
fat boy [8 Sep 2004]
- Seing Eye Nerd - A great navigator, but its constant snorting, bizarre laugh, fake American accent (why must Australian nerds always have that aspect), and constant references to its calculator may get annoying, not to mention relating everything to Dungeons and Dragons, and gloating about having 19 HP.
Goldfish Poodle Boy [11 Sep 2004]
- Seeing-eye Osama - Great for hide and seek, he'll take you to all the secret hiding spots.
haha yourdead [22 Dec 2004]
- Seeing Eye Potato - Don't ask what it can see, I dont know either.
St. Jimmy [12 Feb 2005]
- Why not having a seeing eye car that can drive you everywhere you want to go?
brittany gordon [13 Feb 2005]
- Seeing Eye Termite - For blind people who hate house keeping, it will eat your house. No need to do house chores, no more house!
Joseph Masangkay [28 Apr 2005]
- A blind seeing drunk man
ANDREW ANDY [17 May 2005]
- Seeing Eye Acid-head - It's always fun to be aware of things that even a man with 20/20 vision can't see.
chris fayter [24 May 2005]
- Seeing-eye Mystery Pet - Since you can't see, you could be buying a nice dog or cat or it could be something like a fish or a bat or worse a tiger or lion or if your a really unlucky bastard it could be a dinosaur.
david arnold [20 Jun 2005]
- Seeing Eye Midget - He can tell you where to go, and in return you reach things on high shelves for him.
C Man [21 Jun 2005]
- Seeing-eye Alien - Good if you want to rule the world but has a tendency to vaporise you
Chris the ninja pirate [25 Jun 2005]
- Seeing Eye Jesus - Not only will he be able to guide you through the evils of life but he can cure you so you can see anyway
Adrian Cains [5 Jul 2005]
- Seeing Eye Dictionary - It's alway got the right word for the situation. Too bad you can't read it.
Becky Lee [6 Jul 2005]
- Seeing Eye Jesus 2: really useful if you keep walking into ponds and lakes
JOKEMEISTER [28 Jul 2005]
- Seeing-eye frog
- Really handy when some one tells you to "Go jump in the lake"
jacquie jones [17 Sep 2005]
- Suiing-eye Lawyer - Doesn't do much guiding, but gets REAL nasty when clipped onto a doglead. Every time you trip over something or fall down some stairs, he sues the ass off someone. P.S. Don't sit around anywhere too long: he bills out his time in 6 minute increments.
mantelbrott set [17 Sep 2005]
Have you found the perfect seeing-eye pet?
If you've got an idea on alternative animals that can be used as a seeing-eye animal, fill in the form below. We'll add the funniest ones to GORSKYS.COMedy.
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May 2004
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