Liam and his seeing-eye seagull.
Seeing-eye dogs perform an invaluable service to the blind. Every day, millions of seeing-eye dogs help their owners lead normal lives. The dogs navigate through traffic and take their owners to the shops. Always to the butcher – there’s a reason there are no vegetarian blind people, you know.
Unfortunately, it costs about $20,000 to train a guide dog, and the whole process takes years. This makes them beyond the reach of many.
Since we were teenagers, and were given the option of stopping masturbating or going blind, we’ve done research into cheap alternatives to a seeing-eye dog.
This month, we present our findings.
- Seeing-eye Cat - Can purr loudly at the sign of danger. Of course, you’d never leave the house, as it would refuse to get off the window sill. Or go out in the rain.
- Seeing-eye Leopard – Just makes you see spots, and would probably eat you.
- Seeing-eye Three-toed Sloth – Never has the energy to leave the house.
- Seeing-eye Snail – Takes three years to escort you to the corner store.
- Seeing-eye Rabbit – Eats all the carrots, making you even more blind.
- Seeing-eye Goldfish – Fast and efficient, but has trouble remembering how to get anywhere. Underwater locations only.
- Seeing-eye Gerbil – Just leads you up your own trouser leg.
- Seeing-eye Elephant – Always remembers how to get somewhere, but too big to take inside once you get there.
- Seeing-eye Gorilla – Marvellous for taking you to the bananas in the supermarket, but that’s it.
- Seeing-eye Guinea Pig – Terrific for conducting experiments, such as the fastest way to get to the pub. Often takes you round and round in circles.
- Seeing-eye Tortoise – Oddly, always seem to gets you to your destination faster than a Seeing-eye Hare.
- Seeing-eye Cheetah – You’ll never be late again. You may be puffing like a pack-a-day smoker after climbing a flight of stairs from trying to keep up, but you’ll you’ll never keep someone waiting.
- Seeing-eye Ant – Not very fast, but if you can get tired, it can call its friends and carry you home.
- Seeing-eye Koala – Excellent if the only place you want to go is the top of the nearest tree.
- Seeing-eye Fly – Can warn you if someone is walking up behind you.
- Seeing-eye Bat - Wonderful for walking at night, but you often come home covered in blood.
- Seeing-eye Snake – Hard to control, as they keep slithering out of their collars.
- Seeing-eye Crab – Can only follow a straight route when it’s drunk.
- Seeing-eye Sea Anemone – Hopeless, as it has no eyes.
- Seeing-eye Blue Whale – These 150-ton behemoths of the ocean have eyes 15cm in diameter, so they see well, but can only take you to Atlantis.
- Seeing-eye Chicken – Perfect if you want to cross the road.
Seeing Eye Mogwai Big eyed, cute and cuddly however totally useless in brightly lit areas and on rainy days. Effective guard ‘animal’ when fed after midnight.
SEAing Eye Dog Finally, a fully inflatable dog to guide you through the treacherous depths of the stormy seas.
Seeing Eye Rhino Never worry about getting hit by a car at the intersection. Rhino might have worse vision than you though.
Seeing Eye Blind Person Between the two of you, you should be able to get around twice as well as just the one. And think of all the things you’ll will have in common!
Seeing Eye Parrott Screeches directions whilst crapping on your shoulder. Sometimes it bites your ear. Hard.
Seeing-eye Robot With the latest AI technology, the Seeing-eye Robot is now on the market. Reliable and efficient, it can take you anywhere. Note: all assembly must be done by you, the blind person. Failure to build this robot since you are blind is not our fault. NO REFUND.
Seeing-eye Unicorn Can’t take you anywhere, since they don’t exist
Seeing Eye Phoenix WARNING! Heatproof clothing must be worn at all times! Also, has a habit of trying to copulate with, and heavily scorching, pigeons
Seeing Eye Black Labrador Same as normal, just a different colour.
[But how would you tell? - Liam]
Seeing-Eye Drunkard Will somehow always direct you towards your own cleavage.
Seeing Eye Cockroach Highly effective of clearing small, enclosed spaces. Also guaranteed against the Apocalypse.
Seeing-Eye for the Straight Guy It is only good for one day, but you will look great, feel great, have a cool looking home… although you wont be able to see it.
Seeing Eyed Fish All good for about 3-8 seconds!
Seeing Eye Doctor Maybe if you had visited this guy you wouldn’t be half blind, but I’m sure he would be happy to see you around.
Seeing Eye Gorsky- Will allow you to walk head-first into lamp-posts and make smart-arsed remarks afterwards.
Seeing-Eye Dog with Extra Long Lead Excellent for parachute jumpin. After jumping out of plane, wait for lead to become slack- dog has hit ground and now you must open your parachute.
Seeing Eye Boyfriend Kinda like a seeing eye dog, just as efficient and hopefully just as loyal. Like all new products it offers an added bonus… He (generally) can’t lick his own willy.
Seeing Eye Immigrant May sell you to a third world country to get his family to the states, but you don’t have to bathe him!
Seeing Eye Hand Gun Get everyone’s attention and free parking wherever your kidnapped driver takes you!
Seeing-Eye Kangaroo It is ‘bound’ to get you where you want to go (at the expense of the meal you just ate).
Seeing-Eye skunk Just follow the scent!
Seing Eye Nerd A great navigator, but its constant snorting, bizarre laugh, fake American accent (why must Australian nerds always have that aspect), and constant references to its calculator may get annoying, not to mention relating everything to Dungeons and Dragons, and gloating about having 19 HP.
Seeing-eye Osama Great for hide and seek, he’ll take you to all the secret hiding spots.
Seeing Eye Potato Don’t ask what it can see, I dont know either.
Why not having a seeing eye car that can drive you everywhere you want to go?
Seeing Eye Termite For blind people who hate house keeping, it will eat your house. No need to do house chores, no more house!
A blind seeing drunk man
Seeing Eye Acid-head It’s always fun to be aware of things that even a man with 20/20 vision can’t see.
Seeing-eye Mystery Pet Since you can’t see, you could be buying a nice dog or cat or it could be something like a fish or a bat or worse a tiger or lion or if your a really unlucky bastard it could be a dinosaur.
Seeing Eye Midget He can tell you where to go, and in return you reach things on high shelves for him.