The Japanese claim to hunt whales for "scientific purposes", as this butcher-cum-scientist demonstrates as he experiments with the commercial possibilities of Whale meat.
Every day, the Amazon rainforest is clear-felled to make way for farming. Even George W. Bush has acknowledged that oil will run out, and that global warming is a problem. Face it: the environment is in a mess.
It can’t go on, so we’ve decided to take direct action. This month, we look at practical ways to save the planet.
- Stop whale hunting by eating Japanese fishermen.
- Hug a tree, and if it’s a bit wilted from global warming, give it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- Counter-act global warming by leaving your fridge door open.
- Fill old plastic milk bottles with sand to make sand bags that can hold back the rising oceans.
- Reduce water consumption in your home by refusing to shower.
- Restore evolutionary balance by letting a tiger eat you.
- Genetically-modified plants might take over the planet. Make sure you learn to speak Entish, just to be on the safe side.
- Reduce carbon dioxide emissions by breathing slower.
- Stop whales from beaching themselves by building enormous concrete fences off the coast.
- Most synthetic fibres are made from non-renewable, non-recyclable plastics. Wear underpants made out of recyclable substances such as banana peels, plastic, and aluminium.
- Stop burying garbage in landfill. Leave it to accumulate in your kitchen.
- If you’ve been exposed to nuclear radiation, help reduce power consumption by hiring yourself out as a street light.
- The car that you drive to work every day contributes to air pollution. To reduce emissions by 20%, call in sick every Monday.
- Over-population causes starvation and disease. Help reduce the number of people on the planet by committing suicide.
- Over-population causes starvation and disease. Multinational corporations destroy the environment with pollutants. Reduce population pressures and pollution simultaneously by killing the CEO of a large corporation.
- Stop the USA being the world’s biggest polluter by encouraging economic development in China.
Lock up Parliament It’s a well known fact in the UK that politicians produce more gas than the rest of us put together so reduce carbon dioxide emissions by locking them all in the House of Commons.
Paint yourself green Photosynthesis uses up CO2 and if you paint yourself green you will begin to photosynthesise. This will not only help to reduce carbon emissions but will also make the world’s food resources go much further as by photosynthesising you can produce your own food.
Train gerbils to do your job for you, with cunning disguises to make your boss think you are being super efficient. They can get to work by themselves, saving the environment by not polluting it with emissions. Except when they crap in your hand.
Or, you can train gerbils to run in a wheel all day, with a mini generator to power lights and such. Or….My cat is available to sit on people, she likes it and she is always very warm. She is sitting on me now. I cant feel my left arm, though. And she is staring at something on the wall, but I cant see it. The point is, my cat is lovely. Everyone should have a cat. She even sits on my feet.
Make rockets shaped like drill bits and send them up to drill holes through the atmosphere to let the greenhouse gases escape.
Hippies want to save the world. They can do it by committing mass suicide, reducing the world’s population
Don’t worry, when Vin Diesel’s on the case, it will get done, with explosions and action and 9-second cars and everything! KABOOM!
Put it in your will that you want to be cremated when you die. Then have your ashes thrown in the ocean to feed the nice little fishies.
Forget the trees. The whales will survive. SAVE THE DINOSAURS! (heard someone say it once)
Save the Whales, easy! Erect 6 foot fences around the oceans of the world, stick up no trespassing and no fishing signs.
How to save the environment in just TEN MINUTES!
Smog, waste, war, unsustainable everything!
Lets face it folks. There’s just too many of us. Healing the environmental disaster that surrounds us all is a simple two step process that will only take ten minutes of your time. Everybody ready?
1/ OK, find somewhere comfortable,relax and take a deep breath.
2/Hold abovementioned breath for ten minutes.
Problem solved.
Easy, destroy the environment. If there is no environment, then there’s nothing to save, Thus case closed! Either that or we could go back in time and destroy humans thus saving the environment before it becomes in danger of humans…but that means no more us, but hey, it’s for the environment!
Put it all in a stay fresh bag and put it in the fridge
Buses currently run all day. By euthanising the over 55s, they would only need to be run during the peak hours saving about 11 hours per bus per day.
Every household should have a lemon tree in the backyard. The water the men would then not use by flushing would make Australia the world’s premier source of lemons.
Half a dozen cows produce enough methane per day to power a large household for 24 hours. 6 cows, 1 generator, 12 feet of rubber hose. You do the math.
Get a friend of yours to mindlessly cut down trees. Then, you come along and save those trees. Simple!
Create a committe… oh wait, did you say save?
Set off Electro-Magnetic Pulse bombs at key points around the world, thus removing the demand for electricity.
Well everyone’s always complaining about the ozone layer. Let’s just get rid of it.
Buy the Gorskys a Beer If we can get ‘em drunk enough, they may just come up with a plan that’s crazy enough to work.
Or, in their heated discussions, they will come to a point where it takes an hour of yelling, a thrown drink and a knife fight to realise they were in total agreement all along.
People always say we need a greener planet. Simply fill the oceans with cucumbers, and presto! At least 70% of the world is instantly green
Put hippies in charge because then everyone will be so high no one will care about the enviroment anyway.
Send all the whales to Mars, there’s water up there from what I hear.
Cryogenically freeze all the whales, and send some guy up into the atmosphere with a big hoover to suck out all the CO2
Wear hats with plants on them, they’ll use up the CO2
It’s simple, to reduce water consumption, shower with a friend.
Stop burning fossil fuels. Burn Republicans!
Stop burning fossil fuels. Burn Republicans!
Swimming is supposed to be great for you, so let the fat bastard save itself!