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Saddam's Secret Weapons of Mass Destruction
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Saddam reveals his most evil WMD. A rabbit named "Fox", who was intended to confuse American children to the point of suicide.
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The secret is out. According to the Duelfer report, Saddam Hussein didn't have any Weapons of Mass Destruction when George W. Bush and his Coalition of the Willing invaded to rid Iraq of those exact same weapons.
No wonder Saddam refused to reveal the location of his supplies of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. There were no locations to reveal.
It's kind of ironic, really. It's a little like when your mother tells you to spit out the M&M but you've already swallowed it. There's nothing to spit, but you still get into trouble.
Of course, some would argue that Saddam wanted weapons of mass destruction, and would have got them if he'd had a half a chance. But there's a big difference between wanting and doing. George W. Bush may not realise that, with his privileged background, where if you wanted to get out of Vietnam, you just did it. But for most of us, wanting something is a long way from it coming true.
Take smoking. Many smokers want to give up, and would if they were given half a chance. But the addictive chemicals in cigarettes make it almost impossible. WMD were Saddam's Marlboro Ultra Lights. He wanted more, but had to settle for the low-tar WMD&em;pretending he had them.
Of course if Saddam had any imagination, he would have been more inventive in his choices of WMD that he could have unleashed against the West. Why limit yourself to nuclear, biological and chemical weapons when there are so many other items that can be used as WMDs. This month, we examine some of them.
- Pillows - Everyone knows that once a pillow fight starts, there's virtually no stopping it until the last one breaks, or your mother comes in yelling.
- Potatoes - When loaded into a spud gun, even the humble potato can become a menacing weapon. And loaded with carbs, potatoes mean certain death to Atkins dieters.
- "Your call is important to us" messages - Used wisely, these can indicate to someone that their call is important. Played constantly for over an hour, they can spark spontaneous melt-down in which the victim becomes a blood-thirsty killing machine. Saddam could have learned a few things from the Microsoft support line.
- Fart Gas - Worse than the mustard gas that wreaked so much havoc in the trenches of WWI, a really noxious fart can induce vomiting in an entire room full of people. And since the national dish of Iraq is Pacha (stewed sheep's head, stomach, and feet), Saddam would have had millions of them at his disposal.
- Coca Cola - Coke dissolves teeth left in it for a science experiment. Imagine the damage millions of litres raining down on a city would do.
- Paper Clip Straighteners - If Saddam had devoted his time to perfecting this weapon, the US military would have been in disarray. They'd have nothing to hold their files in order. Imagine the utter chaos.
- Balloon animals - They make kids squeal with excitement. And enough high pitched squealing can generate destructive sonic vibrations which could flatten buildings and entire cities.
- Oil - Iraq has millions of barrels of crude oil just waiting to be burnt in motor cars. And we all know that burning fossil fuels leads to global warming, which will lead to the end of the world. There is no more potent weapon in Saddam's arsenal.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger - With about 4,506 kills in some 37 movies, the Governator is possibly the world's most lethal WMD.
- Beer - The perfect dual strike weapon. Victims willingly use it, and it destroys brain cells by the thousand with every mouthful. Then, the next morning, victims want to die.
- Iraqi Dutch Oven - Saddam and his supporters could have stitched together a giant doona to cover the western world and it's ever-flatulent cows.
- McDonalds - the fast food chain has been slowly clogging nice healthy arteries for decades, it's the ultimate chemical weaponary. And you can make a profit while you're at it.
Other WMD Saddam couuld have used
- Spiny Norman the Hedgehog - His size is estimated at anywhere from 12 ft to 40 ft long. Absolutely terrifying. Or my brother Doug, he's a sarcastic bugger.
Dinsdale Piranha [19 Oct 2004]
- Anything Shiny - It would distract Americans at least.
HpN [20 Oct 2004]
- Old Ladies in Cars - They drive no faster than 15 mph, and turn left from the right lane, thus destroying the entire national infrastructure and logistics systems.
bigg sexxy [21 Oct 2004]
- Saddam's Sons - We all know that he has too many of them, it wouldn't hurt to risk a few in the glorious course of combat for a noble cause.
Some Weird Person [23 Oct 2004]
- Spray Paint - If it can render chromies unconscious so easily with just one bottle, imagine what a can the size of a nuke would do?
Goldfish Poodle Boy [23 Oct 2004]
- SMS Code
- (1/2)It cn rely fuk u up wen trin 2 read it. U dont now wat...
(2/2) attk he might b planin next =)=)
HpN [25 Oct 2004]
- AK-47s - Sly Stallone, by himself, can take out an entire army with one of these. Imagine what all of Iraq could do! ...wait... they had those...
Switch Laffalot [26 Oct 2004]
- Mobile Phones - Calling someone on their mobile at an inopportune moment can be very frustrating to those around the callee. By calling the Coalition troops, they would be distracted and the Iraqis could seize control.
Switch Laffalot [26 Oct 2004]
- Steal all the loo rolls in the dead of night, pretend that you havent got them.
Joy [26 Oct 2004]
- The Loch Ness Monster - Who really knows what Nessie is capable of? And why has Nessie never been found in Scotland? Why she's in Iraq of course - Come on, they must be hiding SOMETHING over there.
Capt Nemo [27 Oct 2004]
- Sand, he had lots of it! in your eyes ,toes. in your jocks,most guys would agree its deadly.The elite guard with a big barrel and a hair dryer..whoa..what the!
dig digski [27 Oct 2004]
- Goth rock.
If it can cause so many people to commit suicide when it's just being released as music, image what it can do when it's depressive powers are harnessed to make some kind of superbad suicide beam!
Matthew Strahan [27 Oct 2004]
- Money. Paper money dropped in large quantities out of an airplane flying low over any American city would cause rioting and massive stampedes as people fight over the cash, resulting in many casualties.
Kathy Artus [27 Oct 2004]
- Celine Dion and George Michael songs played over and over - Enough to make any man, woman or child cut their own ears off.
boof [27 Oct 2004]
- Lift Muzak . drives you up the wall when you get it to a lift ( or elevator if your are american !) what saddam hussein could do is send a nuclear pluse that willd estroy the music comming from all radio stations in america and replace it with lift muzak and take over america when all the pepeople in it have been driven up the wall !
Linda Southern [27 Oct 2004]
- An army of tailgaters these can be really dangerous especially at high speeds.
A stopping distance of 2-3 metres at 70+mph probally would bring on a fair amount of heart attacks aswell.
Lee Wardle [28 Oct 2004]
- Beans-think gas...
Some Weird Person [29 Oct 2004]
- My dog Sam - He sits there looking all googly-eyed at you, then, as soon as you approach, he snaps at you, and bites your hand off, just like someone in a certain song by the Gorskys. He's also very prone to stomping on people's crotches. Plus he steals food as soon as it's possible, and sometimes when it's not. Is there any worse kind of evil?
Goldfish Poodle Boy [30 Oct 2004]
- Food - American troops will be too caught up in food fights too even notice the Iraq troops!
Somebody Person [1 Nov 2004]
- Sometimes, evil plots unravel and the weapon of mass destruction is used on its maker. So, when you see Saddam Hussein looking so dejected and confused in prison photos, it is because his jailers indentified the evil he turned loose on America, and are giving him a 24 hour a day dose of John Tish.
John Williams [3 Nov 2004]
- G W Bush is clearly the greatest weapon of mass destruction.
peter clayton [3 Nov 2004]
- Make like the boys at my school and use entire toilet rolls for a single flush. This really annoys Mums, and their built up anger could have the same end result as a nuclear warhead (or 10,000,000), without the radiation afterwards. Plus, you get to have fun watching the water in the toilet rise as it flushes . . . and just keep on rising. True story.
Goldfish Poodle Boy [14 Nov 2004]
- Mircrosoft Office Assistant - He drives thousands of office workers to the brink of suicide.
Drumstick Master [18 Nov 2004]
- George W. Bush - And he (Saddam) used it too!!!
Ilari Rahja [24 Nov 2004]
- Richard Simmonds - No explanation necessary.
boy wonder [22 Dec 2004]
- Teenagers - I think you now what we can do...
Agentguy The Sheep [11 Jan 2005]
- Neil Diamond - Have this huge amp and play it over Iraq. It will drive all who hear it insane and the strange rock-african-stoned combination of music will surely turn Iraq into a wasteland of desolation.
josh pike [16 Jan 2005]
- Suicide bombers sent to destroy the leading Kotex and Tampax suppliers and manufacturing facilities in the US. Not so much large scale destruction, but definately evil.
Rockon [31 Jan 2005]
- My socks - They make even my eyes water.
Ima Kiwi [3 Feb 2005]
- Books - They are so hard too to reed plus they have all kinds of crazy ideas about how the country should be ranned o and john kerry becuzz he almost beat me and al gore (same reason) and dick cheney and...
George Bush [24 Feb 2005]
- AN ARMY OF INFLATABLE TONY BLAIRS that would keep bush busy he'd have to put his head up all of their arses before he wasted our troops time.
Damo [2 Mar 2005]
- Mormons - An army of zealots depriving the American population of much needed sleep on Sundays could bring about a state of anarchy.
smells funny [26 Mar 2005]
- U.S. Armed Forces - Their allies casualty rate is always higher than their enemy's when they're nearby!
Cyn Icle [4 May 2005]
- Monster-sized Breasts - Big boobs are well known as weapons of mass-turbation
coner smither [14 May 2005]
- The weather - It screws the transport system, the economy, and loads more 'cos we all go into major panic as we just dont have a clue how to cope with 1/2 an inch of snow or a temperature above 80.
Anonymous Dude [15 May 2005]
- Cellphone ring tones - Have everybody turn their phones onto their most annoying ringtone. This leads to mass annoyance and suicidal thoughts.
McNadds [26 May 2005]
- The American electorate - Why else do we have George W Bush in the world's top job?
Anonymous Dude [8 Jun 2005]
- Global warming - It's gonna kill us all and, what's more, the Americans claim it doesn't even exist!
Anonymous Dude [23 Jun 2005]
- Dumbo the flying elephant - He is the ultimate air strike vehicle loaded with elephant turd
Ryan Harrison [24 Jun 2005]
- Cellphones of Mass Destruction - Arm Russel Crowe with 100 cellphones that don't work. George Bush is bound to have on thrown at him
Joel kirby [27 Jun 2005]
- The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against these terrorists this Friday at 15:00 hours. It is a well-known fact that the Taliban are against alcohol consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman. Therefore, at 15:00 hours this Friday, all women should run naked through the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands. This is the best way to show our disgust for the Taliban and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists amongst us, so anybody who does not do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist, denounced to the world and shot.
Capt Nemo [15 Jul 2005]
- Howard Dean - As much as he likes to yell and scream, surely he'll explode some day. The first homicide bomber to not use a chemical explosive, how ingenious.
genius kid [15 Jul 2005]
- The "crazy frog" played 24 hours a day at 122 decibles would make msot people wnat to die
fat boy will [29 Sep 2005]
- Take over all televison channles and play only spongebob programs. This will cause mass death of adults in the US as well as turning all the children into zombies
Hue Jass [18 Oct 2005]
- Infectious Laughter - Spread it through a room of about 50 people and watch as the laughter expands until everyone is laughing so hard that they quit breathing. Maybe don't watch... it is infectious.
Roy [12 Feb 2006]
Do you have a WMD idea
If you have an idea for a Weapon of Mass Destruction that's better than nuclear, biological and chemical attacks, let us know. We'll add the funniest to GORSKYS.COMedy.
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October 2004
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