Dateline: Los Angeles. Scientists have just announced the development of a new type of laboratory rat that gets cancer from 'being looked at in a funny way.'
Having already developed rats that get cancer from exposure to the atmosphere, scientists, in a quest to develop a truly piss-weak strain of rat, started work on the new species, known scientifically as Rattus Visualius, and more commonly as 'the rats that get cancer from being looked at in a funny way.'
"We exposed these rats to funny looks for up to 18 hours a day," explained Head of the Department of Cancer Research, Professor Homer Pigdon. "Some we stared at through the windows of restaurants, and others we looked at over the tops of newspapers on trains. Our most ingenious experiment was to cross our eyes and pull faces at them in 20 second bursts for 8 days in a row. All the rats got cancer and died. On an ability-to-survive-in-the-wild scale, these babies are the Michael Jacksons of the animal kingdom."
Previous incredibly cruel experiments had yielded a sub-species that got particularly nervous when told Jewish jokes. But this is the first time scientists at the Institute for Applied Science at University of New Orleans have caused cancer without the use of cancer-causing drugs.
"It's wonderful. We can now refute all those anti-smoking studies," claimed Philip Morris funded Professor Pigdon. "They say 'Cigarettes cause cancer in rats.' Of course they do! Hell, rats get cancer from being looked at in a funny way. It's whether people get cancer that matters."
Professor Pigdon and his team are now trying to develop a type of cigarette that looks at non-smokers in a funny way, hopefully killing them.
