How to Keep Bums From Sleeping on Your Doorstep

This is the type of vagrant you would actually quite like to have on your steps.

Your Ideas to Beep Bums Off Your Doorstep

• Force him to listen to Inane jokes from Gorskys' website - (You'll need to read them to him, as everyone knows tramps can't read!) WARNING: This may enrage the vagrant to such a degree that he may become violent!
  Bob The Builder [6 Jan 2003]
• Play Spice girls records at full blast. That ought to do it...
  gordy clarke [6 Jan 2003]
• Point out that bum also means bottom and wait for him to die of laughter.
  Brian Vo [6 Jan 2003]
• Do what the dogs do: mark your territory.
  D Seebs [6 Jan 2003]
• The more obvious solution is to fumigate your doorstep with bum repellant.
  Terence [6 Jan 2003]
• Cover your doorstep with rolls of toilet paper, this will attract labradors who will defend the paper viciously.
  Shanon Goodbody [6 Jan 2003]
• Introduce him to your mother in law and send them off for a romantic bush camp with the Branch Davidians.
  Izzy Mansour [6 Jan 2003]
• Become a Mormon and ask the bum every 15 minutes if he's found God yet.
  Ron Bingham [6 Jan 2003]
• Buy a violin and 'practice' Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all day (assuming you have no musical ability and are tone deaf, this will work a treat).
  Ron Bingham [6 Jan 2003]
• Line your door step something sticky or spiky, or anything you will not be able to rest on.
  HpN [6 Jan 2003]
• Make them an attraction so you can make people pay money to see the "sleeping freak". You will either- Drive them away with the flashes, or- You will get enough profits for them to buy a house, or- If you don't pay them, they will run away because they are working for nothing.
  HpN [6 Jan 2003]
• Pay for the bums college degree in computer proggraming, then when he goes and gets a job he wont be a bum anymore. So instead of a bum sleeping on your doorstep you'll have a computer programmmer. Get your money's worth back by making him write you super viruses to send to all those who have angered you.
  Wyshud Itellyu [6 Jan 2003]
• Inform authorities that the bum is actually a fugitive of the Woomera Detention Centre.
  Colin Stevens [6 Jan 2003]
• Dress the bum up like 2pac - he should be bumped off in a gangland style killing within hours.
  Colin Stevens [6 Jan 2003]
• Suddenly become sexually atracted to the bum. if he isn't homosexual, he will most likely become frightend and run away.
  Jesus [6 Jan 2003]
• Rather than put yourself in the cold bring in the services of your Mother In Law. Keep her out on the doorstep where she deserves to be anyway and no bum shall ever look sideways at it as a potential residence.
  Andrew Brisbane [6 Jan 2003]
• Okay fine...I'll leave your damn doorstep Liam. Chris offered me a time share on his anyway....you didn't have to make a joke out of on the website...*sob*
  Andrew B Bum [6 Jan 2003]
• Place a few PC's connected to the net in the doorway and start the worlds first Internet Doorway Cafe. Soon there will be so many yuppies in the doorway a bum wouldn't want to be seen dead there!
  Andrew Brisbane [6 Jan 2003]
• Shoot one in the head as a lesson for all the rest wanting to follow.
  evilchild [6 Jan 2003]
• Place severed heads on stakes around your lawn, then whenever the bum gets on your door step go near the door and sharpen your axe loudly and play ominous music. (preferably from one of the hannibal lecter movies.)
  Wysud Itellyu [6 Jan 2003]
• Continually hard sell him copies of 'The Big Issue' and if he won't buy them call him a tight arse and an illiterate shitbag.
  C.W.Hague [6 Jan 2003]
• Sit next to the bum for as long as you can stand and poke him continuiously.
  HpN [6 Jan 2003]
• Draw an out line of a person in an old coat infront of the house, spread some paper-wrapped bottles and cigarette butts around. Scares Shit out of them.
  Shanon Goodbody [6 Jan 2003]
• Rather than YOU kick the bums out, set up cameras in your doorway, sell the screening rights to Channel 10 and let the public decide who goes! Big Doorway Brother!
  Andrew B [6 Jan 2003]
• Still on the Big Brother theme...bring in the "cast" of Celebrity Big Brother to sit in your doorway. No bum would want to be stuck with that lot for more than a minute.
  Andrew B [6 Jan 2003]
• The Faux-Door-to-Door-Salesman Approach: Dress up in a cheap tweed suit, sneak out your back door with an old vacuum cleaner, and shove it in the bum's face, shouting rudely about how good it is, and that he should buy it for only $999. Repeat constantly. The bum will either become consumed by murderous rage, or will move out of the neighbourhood. Whether or not he kills you does not matter, both ways he'll get taken off your doorstep. delusionsofgrandeur
• Pretend it's Christmas and come up to him and sing Christmas carols over and over. He should be out of there by the 3rd or 4th round of "Jingle Bells".
  Nister Magie [6 Jan 2003]
• Cook the bum on a spit roast while singing songs to Krishna. If this does not have the desired effect, you always have a nice meal ready to carve up.
  Daniel Kahn [6 Jan 2003]
• Place a T.V in the garden..give him the remote..then keep hiding the remote when he is not lookin..surely he cant take this for much longer!!
  irishheadbutnotginger [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell some Jehova's Whitnesses to sell him an "Atayala" (or whatever it's called) and to give him a-3-hours-speech of why Jehova's is picking it's nose.
  Deenoa [6 Jan 2003]
• Glue lots of rubber teats to the door step, and smother them in custard. Find out what kind of animal/person this attracts. Then email me. I want to try it.
  Joy [6 Jan 2003]
• There is an easier option. If they approach you, stand up tall, free your mind, relax and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!DONT LOOK BACK, KEEP RUNNING!!! And eventually, you'll lose them.
  Sha-Sha-Sha [6 Jan 2003]
• Get a door mat that says "Cannibals R Us" and tell him you'd love to have him for dinner.
  Wayne Fertig [6 Jan 2003]
• Place a Sign "Bum for Sale"
  Harry Tomassen [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell him that another person finds him very very hot and say the name of your enemy -- preferably a pretty one -- but say she is a bit shy and if he asks her she will deny it. Then walk away with a victory smile. One bum down 19 999 999 more to go.
  Sayla Dean [6 Jan 2003]
• Pay him 20 cents to eat some broken glass. He'll be dead in 20 minutes.
  Jon Lee [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell him you work for Amway
  Some Bozo [6 Jan 2003]
• Three words: Really big stick. No further explanation required.
  will.i.am [6 Jan 2003]
• Sing the bum showtunes. Bums hate showtunes.
  brian vo [6 Jan 2003]
• Half a litre of bleach and meths followed by a petrol bomb should do it. Be careful with the petrol though, as you would'nt want to singe the paint off your own front door, now, would you.
  Barn [6 Jan 2003]
• Marry her, most men do.
  Dave Lloyd [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell them that you can't support their habits, you have your own to support.
  Larry Nichols [6 Jan 2003]
• Have sex with them, catch their diseases, and then sue them.
  The Prez [6 Jan 2003]
• Sit behind him and flick the back of his ears while humming the flight of the bumblebee, wearing nothing but leiderhosen.
  qwerty smith [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't chase the bum away, Hose him down at the car wash- (to ri him of the reeking odor that often accompanies bums) and enslave him for life.
  Marsha [6 Jan 2003]
• How to keep bums off your doorstep; Remove the doorstep.
  Kathryn [6 Jan 2003]
• Dress up as Barney and sing the "I love you" song constantly, or dress up as Lamb Shop and sing the "this is the song that doesn't end and it goes on and on my friend some people start singing it don't knowing what it was and they continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that doesn't end and it goes on and on my friend some people start singing it don't knowing what it was and they continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that doesn't end...
  Melian [6 Jan 2003]
• Ask another bum around and set up your own bum fight u could call it the fight for *the step* hopefully there beat the shit out of each other and will be carted off to hospital and u can injoy the laugh.
  richie m [6 Jan 2003]
• Set up a dart board just above the Bum........accidently miss occasionally.
  ya mum [6 Jan 2003]
• Hit him with a lawn mower.
  will howden [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell President Bush that he is Saddam.
  David E [6 Jan 2003]
• Ask Gran around for a cup of tea and some scones, then tell her that the fellow on the doorstep has a fascination with health conditions of the elderly. After 10 mins worth of Gran's arthritis/gallstones/haemorrhoids, he'll be politely excusing himself.
  Gelfling [6 Jan 2003]
• Steal their clothes, smother them in peanut butter, and lead as many neighborhood dogs to him as you can. Be warned: Plan may backfire and they will return each time expecting the same treatment. If this occurs, cover bum in very thin slices of meat then lead dogs to him.
  HotShotX [6 Jan 2003]
• Make him punch a time card every time he comes around.
  Rhythmandbluesix [6 Jan 2003]
• Tell them that there's a $50 fine for sleeping on doorsteps, and see if they move.
  CozB [6 Jan 2003]
• Get your young son and his friends, your husband and HIS friends to pee out the letterbox every time
  Tracy cawkwell [3 Feb 2003]
• Tell your very best jokes to him day and night. Hopefully you are a very bad comedian and your jokes suck. If the bum is like me, this will drive him away in no time.
  Dacada Maxwell [4 Feb 2003]
• Adopt your bum as a new pet. Give him baths in the lawn with the cold water hose. Take him for walks on a leash. Make him act as guard dog at night. If the baths or humiliation don't drive him away, you will atleast gain a new friend.
  Nicole [7 Feb 2003]
• Put a Brittney Spears poster on the porch....that always works.
  Hiro S. [9 Feb 2003]
• Make your front porch very clean, bums are always afraid of clean things.
  Max E [14 Feb 2003]
• Get an annoying 4-year old to keep aking him "Can we go to the toy store?" every 10 seconds. It's bound to work
  giddy bee [13 Mar 2003]
• Tell him that if he wants to sleep there, he has to wear a Michael Bolton mask.
  Captain Radar [14 Mar 2003]
• While he's asleep, tie the bum's leg to your neighbour's car. When your neighbour rides off to work, he'll take the bum away with him.
  Will G [15 Mar 2003]
• Give him brownies with drugs or exlax in them. Weed works good.
  Brendan and Chris Retarded Polar Bear [25 Mar 2003]
• Put up a 'free booze' sign on your neighbours doorstep.
  Emma Smith [6 Apr 2003]
• Eat a lot of Mexican food then sleep next to him under a plastic sheet.
  Jed Noobs [24 Apr 2003]
• Make advances on him while eating garlic.
  Sniff my butt NOW [6 May 2003]
• Invite him in. It will get him off your doorstep.
  guppyboy [4 Jun 2003]
• Sit down next to him and tell him about your contagious disease
  yo mamma [4 Jun 2003]
• Put the trash cans next to him and whilst he's asleep put him in a bin bag. The trash man will hopefully dispose of him.
  Harry H [15 Jun 2003]
• When he's asleep, dress him in a smart suit and briefcase, wake him suddenly and tell him hes late for work. In the confusion he will run to catch a bus (maybe).
  Buster Gonads [25 Jul 2003]
• Buy at tank of helium, keep filling balloons with it then tie them to him, eventually he will just float away.
  Farble the cat [20 Sep 2003]
• Install a catapault under the front step. You see the bum, pull the lever, and he'll land a block away, hopefully in something soft.
  Stinky Skunk [20 Sep 2003]
• Just move in a house without a doorstep! (So I'm practical, whats wrong with that)
  scott quick [14 Oct 2003]
• Paint your doorstep so it looks like a giant, hungry mouth. (Warning: This may not only scare everyone else away but it might bring Mulder and Scully down on you too.)
  Colonel Monster [3 Dec 2003]
• Two words: land mines.
  Colonel Monster [12 Dec 2003]
• Hire an anti-bum Task force, order them to shoot to kill any suspected bums. Hey, the FBI has one, shouldn't you?
  Dara Big D [25 Jan 2004]
• Put a sign on your door saying: "Job Vacancy, queue here"
  Cyn Icle [1 Mar 2004]
• Tie your little sister up to a pole outside next to it (the bum) and tell the bum he can keep it as long as he stays.
  ivona tinkle [21 Mar 2004]
• Tell him that "In old county we have bums too, we take them out in to feild and we shoot them.... then we have party!".
  Borat ? [21 Mar 2004]
• Tell the bum the local bar is giving away free booze he'll be off like a flash
  Dale Briscoe [22 Mar 2004]
• Tell him the local fast food joint is giving away a free lifetime's supply of scraps
  Harry Worthington [25 Mar 2004]
• Light the bum a small fire to keep him warm. Then invite the local scouts around for a sing-a-long. This should frighten any bum away, it sure would frighten me!
  Erik The Red [26 Mar 2004]
• Lay a trail of coins leading to the local garbage dump
  Johnathen Wilkonson [30 Mar 2004]
• Make him watch The Wizard of Oz
  nestle dude yoga [30 Mar 2004]
• Dress him up like someone from china and don't give him a visa
  john howard [30 Mar 2004]
• Chain him down when he's asleep and put a price on him saying "For Sale $15,000." Robbers will take care of the rest.
  i dont have a name, my parents resented me capone [30 Mar 2004]
• Dress him up like an Iraqi, George Bush will do the rest.
  Al Gore [30 Mar 2004]
• Use a chainsaw to the head - it could be Osama!
  Rex Rexola [24 Apr 2004]
• Pee in water ballons and drop them on his head from the window above. This has always worked for me in the past.
  Joe Smith [21 Jul 2004]
• Offer them $5 to let you kick there ass of your doorstep!
  Em alie hunt [14 Oct 2004]
• 1. cut metal plate to size of doorstep
  2. Connect plate up to mains
  3. Switch on mains. Let the miracle of science do the rest
  I dunno [17 Dec 2004]
• I talk to them about how We stop spam here at www.sortedemail.com .
  E ideaman [17 Jan 2005]
• while he is sleeping, put fake tattoos on him, and pen his face. Believe me it works, weve tryed it!
  emz n kez ............. [27 Feb 2005]
• Set a trap in the doorstep so that when the bum steps on it, the doorstep falls down and he falls into a box... which I'm sure he will feel at home in. Then wrap the box up and mail him to France.
  possom [10 Apr 2005]
• Paint your steps white while the bum is asleep, taking care to paint over the bum as well. Hey presto, clean white stairs, and a 'marble sculpture' of a dead bum, to boot.
  David 'Neeaugh' Roberts [11 Apr 2005]
• Download the EU constitution off the internet (only works if you have broadband and about three weeks to spare) then read it to him. He should fall asleep after the first paragraph (if you don't fall asleep first!!). Whilst he's asleep remove him from your doorstep.
  Anonymous Dude [5 Jun 2005]
• Get one moat; four sharks with laser-beams; water; some whiskey (bait). Enjoy!
  Sean Andrew [6 Jul 2005]
• Heat pennies until red hot and throw them to the bum and he'll leave soon enough.
  joshua [9 Jul 2005]
• Shove him in the garbage bin and wait for the truck to come pick him up.
  melon mels [11 Jul 2005]
• Get round your grandad to tell the bum stories that go no were, eventually he will get bored and go away
  Possom [21 Jul 2005]
• Starve a grizzly bear, drench it in whiskey, cover it in some binliners and leave it on your doorstep.
  Waaa Aaaah [21 Jul 2005]
• Tell him that if he wants to become a permanent fixture then he'll have to get planning permission from the local council. If he asks you to do that for him, tell him that you are on the run from the council for not paying council tax.
  Anonymous Dude [12 Aug 2005]
• Charge him extortionate amounts of rent and when he can't pay, threaten him with eviction (but get help from as many people as possible as then he will be greatly outnumbered and will just have to leave or you will accuse him of "not respecting the views of the majority of local residents").
  Anonymous Dude [12 Aug 2005]
• Turn your doorstep into a trebuchet. When they rest their head down for the night, then release!
  Ryan D'Montigny [17 Feb 2007]

How Do You Keep Bums Away?

Fill in the form below to let us know your methods of keeping vagrants at bay. We'll add the funniest suggestions to GORSKYS.COMedy.