How To Ace Job Interviews

Mixing guns and party drugs is a great way to make a lasting impression in a job interview.

How You Do It

• When being asked about working with people in a team environment by the HR manager after working with computers for years, I told them most people that know me recommend I should undergo some sort of therapy before working with real people again. This really happened! and I got the job!
  Rossco [6 Jan 2003]
• Remember..... You did not inhale!
  Nathan Randall [6 Jan 2003]
• Say to the interviewer 'I need this job to support the child I'm having with your 15 year old daughter.' When he attacks you, demand a job from the company as a trade-off for not suing.
  Grover Montage [6 Jan 2003]
• Wear a pair of tight pants. insert a long hard instrument into them. Add interesting inferences to the large quantites of viagra that you take.
  Dan Costie [6 Jan 2003]
• Only apply for jobs in companies run by relatives (except the parents of that cousin you were caught rooting at Nanna's funeral)
  C Hague [6 Jan 2003]
• Nobody can forget someone who is dressed in a chicken suit.
  Matt Parker [6 Jan 2003]
• Do your research on the company beforehand. Reading their Annual Report is good. Stalking the person who will be interviewing you is bad.
  Lizzie [6 Jan 2003]
• Be the son of a former boss (President of United States only)
  Grover Montage [6 Jan 2003]
• Job interviews are frequently dull. Perk up the day of the person interviewing with frequent muttered threats to 'burn this goddamn place to the ground' while taking hits off a bottle of tequila.
  Grover Montage [6 Jan 2003]
• Remember- sexual harrassment isn't just for bosses anymore.
  Grover Montage [6 Jan 2003]
• Appeal to their sense of economy by pointing out that by employing you, they also get your other 70 personalities at no extra expense... Then kill everyone.
  Brian Vo [6 Jan 2003]
• Examine your priorities. Do you really want some soul-deadening nine to five job when there are literally millions to be made in the lucrative fields of product tampering, extortion and frivolous law suits?
  Grover Montage [6 Jan 2003]
• Ask the interviewer what the top speed of the company car is, and more importantly, if it is insured.
  Adam Gilbert [6 Jan 2003]
• Have references. Do not have 'dear old Albert', aka you with an old-man voice singing your praises. They may wish to meet and/or speak to them while you are in the same room.
  Jane M [6 Jan 2003]
• Think ahead. Just in case your first interview goes bad, tell the person interviewing you that you have an identical twin. ...or you're a triplet.
  Johnny Casino [6 Jan 2003]
• Interviewers love workers with vision. End every sentence with "and so it has been fortold in the prophesies."
  Rick Valentin [6 Jan 2003]
• If the interview is going badly and you're in an office high-rise, ask the interviewer if any windows on the floor open to the outside. When the interviewer asks why, stare off into space and reply "Oh, no reason."
  Rick Valentin [6 Jan 2003]
• Give a gift to the interviewer. Good Examples: Candy, Flowers, Gift bags. Bad Examples: Handcuffs, subpoena, or a positive drug test result.
  Neil Hiatt [6 Jan 2003]
• If you don't know the answer to a question at the interview ask the interviewer "Who thought of these dumb idea's for these questions anyway?"
  Tony Hamilton [6 Jan 2003]
• Pretend you're the one giving the interview, if you don't get a job, then they won't get one either.
  Katie Lollis [6 Jan 2003]
• When asked "where do you see yourself in five years time?" don't say "in a mirror"
  Darren Stuchbery [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't giggle like a school girl every time one of your interviewers mentions the words, "job", "entry" or " position".
  brian vo [6 Jan 2003]
• When asked a hypothetical technical question, we had a candidate come back with "Why would I want to do that anyway? I wouldn't do that, I'd use this program I've got. This is stupid." He then refused to answer, so we refused to hire him.
  Kersti [6 Jan 2003]
• When hiring a receptionist, one candidate come back with "Bloody oath yer". Not a great look for a greeting clients role.
  Kersti [6 Jan 2003]
• Remember when explaining about life experiences, leave out the 60s and 70s and start at the mid eighties to be safe.
  Damon Stevenson [6 Jan 2003]
• I got my a job by wearing tight black trousers with a very naughty black thong to the interview. When asked how I would calm someone down, I 'accidently' dropped some paper I was holding, bent to pick it up (flashing the back of my thongs) and I said 'I'd give 'em a cheeky smile, and ask what I could do to help!' I got the job, and I have used this method a few times. Works like at charm!
  Joy [Obviously you don't look as bad in women's underwear as I do - Liam] [6 Jan 2003]
• When finally asked to sign on the dotted line, be sure to decline the offer of a pen they have touched with their filthy germ infested hands.
  Sexy Clown [6 Jan 2003]
• When asked what skills you posses, tell them your great at bonking. Then take off the rest of your clothes.
  Sexy Clown [6 Jan 2003]
• At the crux of the interview, produce a rubber chicken from your trousers "to answer all technical questions" for you. If you have no PVC chickens just cover your genitals with self rasing flour (not wholemeal) and swing them wildly about. In fact try this even when not at an interview. Its fun.
  Trevor Wilson [6 Jan 2003]
• On being asked for a good suggestion for the interviewers company, suggest that they hire you.
  Jan [6 Jan 2003]
• Black up and pretend to be blind. I am now an executive member on the board of Nestle.
  Christian Azzola [6 Jan 2003]
• When asked by the interviewer what I thought of his tie I informed him that "It looked as though your neck threw up down the front of you!" Even after that I still got the bloody job!
  Clinton Schiemann [6 Jan 2003]
• I once had a guy come in for an interview and he was half an hour late. When I asked him why he was late he said "When I was pulling into the driveway I farted and shit myself and had to go home and change". I hired him on the spot. You can't beat honesty like that.
  Garry Pye [6 Jan 2003]
• Twitch during the entire interview, then if things go wrong, threaten them with "employment equity laws".
  Some Bozo [6 Jan 2003]
• Wear a large pink triangle badge, mention that you hate discrimination and will sue the next arse who doesnt hire you simply cause you are gay. Be prepared to prove it.
  This Worked [6 Jan 2003]
• Use Phillip Ruddock as a referee. Apologise when they ring the number and get a guy called "Rod." Suggest that, with his busy lifestyle, he must've moved without notice. If they query you further, ask them if they've ever spent time in a detention centre?
  Yabah Turnbull [6 Jan 2003]
• When asked what ideas you have to improve morale, suggest Pantless Thursdays.
  Aimee G [11 Mar 2003]
• When the interviewer asks you, "Do you think you will be an 'asset' to this company?", answer with "Well sorta sir. Just two letters off."
  scott quick [2 Sep 2003]
• When they ask "Are you a convicted villan?" say "No, but I will be by 10 tomorrow."
  Richard Andrew [1 Oct 2003]
• When asked, "Why do you need this job?" reply "Because I don't have a rich husband."
  Angels85 [11 Oct 2004]
• Remember to excuse yourself if you fart. Good manners is the key.
  Peter Griffin [21 Jan 2005]
• Start masturbating. A good opportunity to see if the panel is uncomfortable watching you have a wank.
  Rodger Roop [23 Jan 2005]
• If interview goes really badly and the interviewer asks 'Do you have any questions for us?', ask 'Can I pee in you pocket?'
  Bhushan Amachi [31 May 2005]
• I learned the hard way never again to take my wife and 11 children in the interview room with me. It was a little distracting, and needless to say, I didn't get hired.
  Bobet Neri-Zamora [20 Feb 2006]

How Do You Do It?

Do you have a surefire technique for job interviews? Let us know. We'll add the funniest suggestions to GORSKYS.COMedy.