How To Chuck A Sickie

December 1st, 1999
Sword swallower with four swords

This man is about to call in sick with a sore throat.

Calling work and saying you’re sick when you aren’t is one of the true joys of modern life. When it’s all getting too much, there’s nothing better than having a “mental health day”.

Obviously, we’ve all got the 10 minute window of opportunity each morning just after we get up, when we sound dreadful and could convince anyone we were at death’s door.

But what happens if the boss isn’t in during those vital 10 minutes? Or if she’s getting suspicious that you’re ill every time the sun shines?

This month, we offer some great tips on how to avoid suspicion, keep your job and still get the day off.

  • Lie on the bed with your head hanging off it. All the blood and mucus rushes to your head, making you sound clogged. The weight of your head constricts your throat, making you sound in pain.
  • Drink a bottle of Scotch the night before. You’re hangover will make you sound appallingly ill, and probably actually make you unfit for work.
  • Call in sick two days in a row. This will help throw off suspicion. Don’t return to work tanned.
  • When the boss says “You don’t sound ill”, ask him what medical training he has. Seriously, doctors don’t just give you pills based on how croaky your voice is. They like to have a look first and feel your glands and take your temperature.
  • When your boss says “You don’t sound ill”, claim you’ve broken your arm. Put it in a sling when you return to work.
  • Break your arm.
  • Take a crap, and have a good look before you flush. Call work, and when the boss asks you what’s wrong, describe what you saw. Even if it isn’t too revolting, the fact you’re prepared to discuss it makes you a person he won’t want to see for a while.
  • Swallowing razor blades will definitely help you to sound raspy.
  • Stick a scrunched up tissue up each nostril to help make you sound blocked.
  • To sound really congested, squeeze a tube of “No More Gaps” up each nostril. (Warning: Not recommended for smokers, possible nasal combustion dangers.)

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How To Chuck A Sickie

Your Suggestions

  1. This only works in winter. But if you need a few days off the next week, tell your boss you’re going to visit a friend somewhere cold over the weekend. In the UK, Northern Scotland works. Then the day before you’re due in, call work and tell them you’re snowed in. My colleagues thought it was funny, but I had the last laugh

    Current score: 0

    Johnny [21/11/2003]

  2. Suddenly grab at your stomach and scream out “Oh my God! The baby’s not kicking!” This works best if you are female, NOT pregnant, and no one thinks you are.

    Current score: 0

    Bubbly [21/11/2003]

  3. A sure way to get off school is to start coughing the night before you want to get off then eat hardly any dinner. Then stay up till about 5 in the morning. When you wake up (and look terrible after lack of sleep) insist that you are fine to go to school (inbetween coughing fits), your parent will think that he/she knows best and take you out of school for at least a day. This takes a lot of work but it works every time.

    Current score: 0

    James Roberts [31/03/2003]

  4. Drink about three litres of water, and go for a nice, long run at midday, in 35 degree weather. You won’t be lying when you phone your boss from the hospital.

    Current score: 1

    Bubbly [06/01/2003]

  5. Get into a car crash, not those pussy fender benders, I’m talking about like a full on car crash. that outta get ya a day or 2 off of work.

    Current score: 1

    Bowser [06/01/2003]

  6. Tell them that you are in shock after accidently shagging your brother/sister at a drunken party the night before!

    Current score: 0

    Lindsay Thomas [06/01/2003]

  7. Ring in and ask the boss to check that everybody in your work group has had measles. Say that you are keen to come into work, but he/she will have to give the next few days off to all those workers who haven’t been exposed because you are a carrier at the moment because your daughter, brother, lover, slave is sick with it.
    Boss will tell you to stay well away from work.

    Current score: 2

    Rudolf Ritler [06/01/2003]

  8. If you work in a restaurant just ring in with a dose of

    Current score: 0

    E-coli [06/01/2003]

  9. When the boss calls your mobile phone, answer it with ‘Hi, is Jason there?’ Boss will say ‘er, no, who is this?’ you say; ‘yeah, Jason? Sandra really fancies you’ Boss ‘eh?!’ You, ‘just a sec, got another call’ then hang up.alternative ending:
    ‘my brain just fell out.’
    hang up.
    return to work.
    Smile most smuggly to yourself.
    Your boss wont say anything, unless they are VERY curious.
    Deny all knowledge of being ill, insist that you were at work, and that you had received a strange call from THEM.

    Current score: 0

    Joy [06/01/2003]

  10. Scrape together £1.20. Go to the canteen (in a certain sports centre in a certain English City)and order a vegie burger. Watch as the hygenically challenged catering assistant attempts to make a culinary delight. Observe as she slops it around on the grill using the spatula that she just scraped the meat fat off the hotplate with. drool with hunger as she slaps the thing between a stale bun and throws brown lettuce in it. Throw half of it in the bin and take the rest of it to eat in front of your boss…walk into the office and clutch your stomach groaning wildly…’accidently’ throw the rest of the burger over his keyboard. He will drive you home himself.

    Current score: 1

    Joy [06/01/2003]

  11. Get your mates to buy a second hand ambulance. fake a heart attack at work and get your mates to pick you up. the intense drama of the situation will ensure you get weeks off and when you return you’ll have it easy for at least a month.

    Current score: 0

    chris spurr [06/01/2003]

  12. If you REALLY don’t want to go to work, get a cold glass of milk & eat a hot chilli JUST before dialling. When your’e talking to the boss, you’ll be snorting, coughing, sniffling, etc, you will sound REAL bad. Staight after hanging up the phone, drink the cold milk. It might help your burning mouth a bit.

    Current score: 0

    Barry Gailes [06/01/2003]

  13. Why struggle looking for a difficult option when every one knows about those dredded 24hr bugs….one day off, no questions.

    Current score: 0

    Greg Paroissien [06/01/2003]

  14. The day before you are due to have a sicky begin complaining that you have a stomache ache and at the end of the day let them know you won’t be there tommorow

    Current score: 0

    Rebecca Hall [06/01/2003]

  15. Get sick

    Current score: 1

    Nathan Lambele [06/01/2003]

  16. Call in the moring with a finger up your nose and when your boss ask what’s wrong tell him you have a case of compulsive farting syidrone. Note: will only work if you work in a confined space, such as elevator boy.

    Current score: 0

    Robert Cook [06/01/2003]

  17. Go to any major public space in Melbourne and catch Legionnaires disease.

    Current score: 0

    Harry [06/01/2003]

  18. I always use the flu excuse. Work then asks for Doc Certificate. The secret here is when you are at the Doctors merely tell the Doctor that you work in retail (even if you don’t) and that you’re employer requires a certificate stating that you are WELL enough to resume work. Your certificate then reads that you were suffering from the flu and you’re well enough to return to work the following day.

    Current score: 0

    48 Sickies in 2000 [06/01/2003]

  19. Ring your boss and tell him you’re sick, when he asks "how sick are you?"….tell him you’re in bed with your sister.

    Current score: 1

    Krusty [06/01/2003]

  20. Tell one of your parents to call on your behalf. No CEO, no matter how brazen, will be rude to your mother; and to suggest that they doubt your illness is to suggest that they doubt your mothers honesty. Foolproof.

    Current score: 0

    Hill o’ Beans [06/01/2003]

  21. Ring your boss and tell them that you were a witness to an accident on the way to work and have had to go down to the police station to give a statement. If necessary get a friend to pretend to be a policeman saying you could be needed all day and wont make it into work.

    Current score: 0

    Brooke Reid [06/01/2003]

  22. Ring your boss one mornig and start the sentence off with." Sorry boss but i have a bad condition of ( moan loudly then say..) Incontinence.." your boss will then proceed to hurl violently over the reciever… FOOLPROOF!!!

    Current score: 0

    Dragon [06/01/2003]

  23. This may be extreme for some folk, but for those who TRULY despise the workplace. Simply arrange to be hit in the head quite severely, and issues like being capable of going to work, will be nary seen. The best part is you can DIY if you are motivated enough!

    Current score: 1

    The Watcher [06/01/2003]

  24. I’m a big fan of the old Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. If ever you get asked too many probing questions on the issue, just drop your head, (or the phone receiver) and start snoring loudly.

    Current score: 1

    Travis Cochrane [06/01/2003]

  25. To prove you had a rash yesterday, the night before place something that will make you, VERY red, so it looks like you had a rash. For me it’s easy as I react to Band-Aid sticky.

    Current score: 0

    Hilary M Turner [06/01/2003]

  26. Tell them that you have bad diarrhoea then say in a hurried voice "Uh oh, gotta go" then hang up, leaving the impression you had an emergency meeting with the porcelain throne.

    Current score: 2

    Zardraa Innisfree [06/01/2003]

  27. I stick my fingers in a jar of Jalepenos then shove em up my nose. Most people dont even want to try talking to me then. (sniff-sniff)

    Current score: 0

    Bruiser [06/01/2003]

  28. Stare blankly at the monitor in the morning, either without turning it on, or with the windows password prompt on the screen. Then ask in a faint poorly voice if anyone has any Asprin. You may still have to get out of your bed, but they are the ones who decided you were ill. Perfect.

    Current score: 0

    Steak [06/01/2003]

  29. If you don’t actually want a whole sick day off but need two hours off every week to to nick out for a ‘quickie’ with the bit on the side, no doubt you will be stressed as it is so go and see you doctor, tell him/her you are stressed and feel you need some stress management so could you get a doctor’s certificate stating you need stress managemnt classes so you can give it to your boss. You get the regular time off to do the irregular thing, while being paid for it as well.

    Current score: 2

    Debbie Thomas [06/01/2003]

  30. Get your mum/dad/partner to ring for you and say you are so ill you dont even have enough strength to talk, then when the phone rings just ignore it

    Current score: 2

    Adam Jones [06/01/2003]

Do you have a sure-fire way of calling in sick?

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