Chris creates holiday snaps by combining the pictures on the fridge with old photos of him at parties.
Now that the world is plunging into recession, and the threat of terrorist attacks makes flying decidedly unattractive, we think people will be spending their holiday season at home this year.
Which can be tough. Two weeks in front of the TV is OK to fantasize about, but a little bit of a waste.
So, we’ve come up with a heap of fun ideas for vacation activities around the home.
- Pretend to go to the beach by lying in your back yard until you’re completely sunburnt. Pay neighbourhood children to hit you with a mis-thrown tennis ball just as you’re about to drift off to sleep.
- Recreate a holiday to the Swiss Alps by breaking open your bean bag and skiing on the beads.
- Re-enact exciting search and rescue operations using Barbie and the ice-cave that is the freezer compartment.
- Go on an “African Safari” by placing a mane on your pet dog, then taking photos of it through a 1600mm zoom lens.
- Recreate a trek down the mighty Amazon river by placing lots of pot plants around your bath.
- Buy some watermelons and vodka, and drink yourself silly each evening on dacquiris. For more autheniticity, pay your kids $15 per drink you have. If you don’t have kids, just put a match to $100.
- Why climb Mt Everest when there’s an awfully steep ‘mountain’ on your roof.
- Recreate an authentic London-holiday adventure by sitting indoors and listening to your friends complaining that it’s raining.
- Paris is a romantic holiday destination that can easily be replicated in your own home. Simply ask all your house mates to be rude to you.
- Pretend you’re in New Jersey by visiting the local garbage dump.
- Don’t bother visiting Sydney – make your own. Bend a coat hanger to look like the Bridge, and drive matchbox cars over it. Charge yourself a toll for every trip south.
- Cheap vodka and a rotten potato make for a great taste of Russia. For more authenticity, queue for six hours to buy the potato.
- India is hot, smelly and full of beggars. So is your local shopping mall.
- A holiday to Houston, Texas can be replicated by buying your family 10 gallon hats and saying “y’all” at the start of every sentence.
- Take a virtual trip to LA by taking a handgun on the freeway.
- Turn on the hot water in your shower and leave it running for an hour to create the steamy environment of Singapore.
- Simulate an authentic night in the wild by pitching a tent in your lounge room and tuning the TV to the Discovery Channel.
Recreate an exotic diving holiday by sticking your head in the fish pool, and breathing through the hose pipe.
Ever wanted to drop by Rome? Just get some of your moped driving mates to park you in for a couple of days. If they are good mates prepared to go the extra mile, they can hang around and make sleezy comments everytime they see your girlfriend.
Spread sand around your living room, put Backstreet Boys really loud (or something you consider to be worse than this), ask some of your sister’s friends to go around in the smallest outfits possible being obnoxious and thinking they are hot and you’re in Rio de Janeiro!
Go to a McDonald’s, order lunch and as you eat it, simply pretend that you are eating in a McDonald’s somewhere else.
Holiday in Afghanistan this summer. Just cover your garden in sand, wear black clothes and brandish an AK-47 and pay some Marines to kill you. Simple.
To achieve that "get away from it all" feeling:
Go out and get very drunk. In the meantime you will have arranged,to have someone put random scenic posters all over your home and play foreign films(without subtitles) on all of your TV’s. When you get home it will feel like you’re in a strange new land.
Leave your window open at night and listen to the neighbours rowing/shagging/throwing up after a boozy night out. If you’re lucky, they might even sing a nice catchy tune, like Viva Espania. Nice.
Glossy brochures transport you anywhere. I’ve been doing it for years as no place measures up to the brochures anyway so there’s no need to go in the first place. None of the hotels look like the real thing and none of the scenery looks anything like the brochures so save yourself money and stress and stay at home and be inspired by the pictures instead.
Let all your friends know you are heading "Outback" for a holiday. Then just camp out back of your own home.
Want to go to England, just pour a watering can over your head
Simulate Tasmania. Dig a 1000 ft hole in your backyard, jump in and YOU are in tassie.
Pretend you are visiting your own town. Wear tacky clothes and take photos of everything. When eating in a restuarant, act like you don’t understand the menu. Talk very loudly. Buy t-shirts promoting local landmarks.
Leave all your taps on around the house overnight and by morning your bed will be a gondola and your house your own private Venice
Read up on a foreign language, then make a random reverse charges call to your dream destination and get someone else to explain all of the major sites to you . Just like the real thing.
Stay in your own private room with three meals a day and a colour tv all at NO expense – steal a car.
Go to a local public playground and crawl across the sand box. beg for water and get horribly sunburned. Later tell everyone how you were lost in the Sahara Desert.
Want to go to Rotarua – sit in a hot bath and fart a lot.
Go to a Starbucks, order a coffee and as you drink it, simply pretend that you are eating in a Starbucks somewhere else.
Go to Kansas: Find a flat place and set up lots of fans to blow on you, you can almost imagine the wheat is really there.
Time how long it takes to do some task around the house. Then try again, but this time take twice as long and put "bro" at the end of every sentence. Now imagine you’re in New Zealand. Easy isn’t it!
Go shopping in Puerto Vallarta – Visit your local Mexican Deli and attempt talking the cashier down a buck off your tamales and Coronas
Go to a public bathroom and clog all the toilets. Then take a big wif. Wow, You made it to france without leaving your town.
Duct tape a picture of your child’s face to your cat’s head. Take the cat in the bath with you. It’ll be just like trying to teach your children how to swim at your hotel swimming pool at the beach.
Go to the chemist and get yourself some of those tiny bottles of shampoo, shower caps, and tiny chocolates to put chocolate on your pillow. Go to the grog shop and get those tiny bottles of liquers and pretend you’re staying in a classy hotel. Also get some of those cheap towelling slippers and if you really want to go overboard, some fluffy towels and put them into your bag so you can pretend you’re stealing them.