Paris Hilton's time in jail could be cut in half, according to prison authorities, and we think that's a good. Thing. Forty-five minutes in jail is too long for a celebrity, let alone the outrageous 45 days that Ms Hilton was lumbered with.
Sure, she committed a crime when she violated her parole, and drove while her licence was suspended. But it wasn't like a serious crime. She wasn't behind the wheel of a Volvo, after all.
Many have welcomed the idea of Paris being behind bars for 45 days. They say it will dry up the constant stream of gossip about her. With luck, the argument goes, after a month and a half of a Paris-free People magazine, the world will completely forget who she is and we can move on. But that ignores the fact that Paris Hilton has a well-oiled, well-paid publicity machine. Her release will unleash a barrage of Paris stories as she re-establishes her fame. Better, we say, the slow drip, drip we're used to than the overflow we'll get.
In fact, there are many reasons Paris should be released immediately.
- If she spends time in jail, she'll be tempted to write a tell-all book about her experiences, The world doesn't need to be punished like that.
- There's a possibility they'll turn her prison experiences into a new series of The Simple Life. We don't deserve that inflicted on us either.
- The impact on the economy will be enormous. Magazine sales will plummet in the 45 days Paris is out of action, causing huge losses across the entire media sector.
- There is no logic in her sentence. sure, violating parole is a crime, but many of Paris' worse crimes against fashion have gone unpunished.
- Spending time in prison will only increase fame inequity in the world. Paris' cell mate will become undeservedly famous once she gives her interview on 60 Minutes called "How I Survived 45 Nights Of Paris Prison Hell".
- Paris' jailing is also unfair on all the other prisoners, none of whom have committed crimes serious enough to justify 45 days locked in a cell with a socialite celebrity.
- The sentence is also outrageously unjust on Ms Hilton. 45 days without seeing her hair stylist is the equivalent of a life sentence for the rest of us.
- Who will feed her puppy while she's in prison?
- Who will feed her ego while she's in prison?
- The enormous amount of publicity Paris is receiving may cause copy-cat crimes. Soon, no socialite celebrities will drive with licences.
- Forty five days in jail is just enough time to develop a nasty heroin habit. Paris' life is tawdry enough without adding a whole new raft of stories about visits to the Betty Ford clinic in the future.
- It would be cheaper for the State of California to ground her than lock her away.
- The impact on her life after prison hasn't properly been assessed. She'll spend at least 10 days catching up on cell-phone calls upon her release.
- She may explore lesbianism in jail, but this time go the bull-dyke way. No one wants to see those pictures in their in box.
- The prison system could be thrown into disarray when Paris hunger strikes about the quality of the Soy Mocha Grandes from the prison kitchen.
- Orange jump suits do not go well with her unnatural tan.
- With Paris not using her cell phone for 45 days, there's a chance AT&T could go into Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
- The psychological stress on the prison guards hasn't been properly considered. For each, it will be unbearable. One simple mistake in Paris' presence could lead to their lifetime ban from the entire Hilton Hotel chain.
- The psychological stress on the "Free Paris Hilton" protestors will also be enormous as they undertake their vigil. The protestors will spend a month camped outside prison, without the change to see a single photo of their favourite celebrity walk up a red carpet.
- Paris' sentence impacts more than just Paris. All other Hollywood celebrities will feel harassed as the paparazzi go hunting for new target's in her absence.
