Exercises For The Fat And Lazy

July 1st, 2001

Fat man diving into pool.

There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.

There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?

And it’s even worse if you’re fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn’t be fat and lazy.

Never fear. We’ve got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*

  • Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
  • Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
  • Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
  • Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
  • Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
  • Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
  • Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
  • If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
  • Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
  • Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
  • Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
  • You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
  • Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
  • Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
  • Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
  • Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
  • Redefine ‘normal’ to closer to ‘you’. Become a serial killer of thin people.

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Exercises For The Fat And Lazy

Readers' Exercise Tips

  1. Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing air guitar!

    Current score: 0

    Keri Leon [06/01/2003]

  2. Superglue your mouth shut, then only drink soup through your nose… or any other orifice that feels comfortable.

    Current score: 0

    Neale Hitchiner [06/01/2003]

  3. Strap a black board to your back, then paint all your blubbery bits black. The matching colours will virtually strip you of all your fat, and you will like you’ve got anorexia!

    Current score: 0

    Neale Hitchiner [06/01/2003]

  4. Hide the remote control, this will make you:

    a) Move the couch closer to the TV, burning lots of calories;

    b) Actually get up and down to change the channels, again burning lots of calories; or

    c) Give up on TV entirely so that you walk to and from the Pub every night, once more burning lots of calories.

    Current score: 0

    Andrew Kent [06/01/2003]

  5. Just remember that when you’re traveling abroad, just as your currency changes, so does the calorie exchange. For instance, if you’re an American in Germany, where a mark is about $.50 to a dollar, you’re only getting half the calories you would at home for the same food, so plan your itenerary accordingly.

    Current score: 0

    Courtney Smith [06/01/2003]

  6. Collect all your food wrappers together, along with anything else that says ‘calories’, and burn them.

    Jump up and down on the ashes for a quick aerobic workout.

    Current score: 0

    Whatsisname [06/01/2003]

  7. Tired of the usual boring exercise routines? Try these:

    Jumping to conclusions,

    Making leaps of faith,

    Running out of ideas,

    Jogging your memory

    Current score: 0

    Faux Fleur [06/01/2003]

  8. Increased gravity will make the tossing and turning of sleepytime the equal to a day at the gym. You just need to sleep where there is more gravity, like the surface of the Sun.

    Current score: 0

    Robepierre Mullet [06/01/2003]

  9. Go to filthy public toilets, and squat don’t sit. Get those thigh muscles pumped.

    Current score: 0

    Jane [06/01/2003]

  10. Just eat whipped cream; that should whip you into shape.

    Current score: 0

    Christo Joe [06/01/2003]

  11. Buy an aerobics video and watch it each day. You may lie on the lounge while watching, but don’t get a sore neck.

    Current score: 0

    Jane [06/01/2003]

  12. Everyone knows that the calorie content of food is what puts on the weight so spit the calories out.

    Current score: 0

    Jill Hoye [06/01/2003]

  13. Buy a piece of telemarketing exercise equipment and spend the rest of the week kicking the shit out of the person who sold it to you.

    Current score: 0

    Shannon McErlain [06/01/2003]

  14. When you think about it, you’re the one person who never has to see what you look like- so why bother exercising? Lard up, fatboy.

    Current score: 0

    Grover Montage [06/01/2003]

  15. Many people agree that just walking up a few flights of stairs can be great exercise. But who has all that time? To get the same results in less time, go for a few joy rides on the escalator at the shopping mall.

    Current score: 0

    Johnny Casino [06/01/2003]

  16. Check the wrapper of everything you eat for calorific content. If it doesn’t state anything, it must be calorie free!

    Current score: 0

    Sarah H [06/01/2003]

  17. Tie a basketball to the lamp shade with a long piece of string or rope so that it hangs down in front of the TV. Give it a push so it swings side to side. Gravity will eventually make it stop so that it blocks your view again, and you will have to get out of your chair to give it another push, or get a long stick.

    Current score: 0

    Dave Cody [06/01/2003]

  18. The truly lazy person need not excercise at all! You see large is all a matter of perspective. So, you need to surround yourself with people larger than yourself. And BINGO, you are the skinny one.

    Current score: 0

    Dan H [06/01/2003]

  19. You burn calories even when you sleep, so just spend lots of time doing that.

    Current score: 0

    Brooke [06/01/2003]

  20. It doesn’t count if it’s someone else’s chocolate bar.

    Current score: 0

    Brooke [06/01/2003]

  21. Bathing in cold Water gets you to lose weight. So go skinny dipping in Antarctica

    Current score: 0

    Neil Hiatt [06/01/2003]

  22. To get into doing sit-ups,place the remote between your toes.

    Morgan K. Michael

  23. To have great, strong arms, tie a brick to your remote control.
    Current score: 0

  24. Johnny Casino [06/01/2003]

  • Make sure you order ‘diet cokes’ when you have your 4 large big mac meals for an afternoon snack.

    Current score: 0

    C Hague [06/01/2003]

  • Doctors say that laughter is a form of internal exercise. Learn to laugh loud and long at everything – even episodes of "Everyone Loves Raymond"…

    Current score: 0

    Brian Vo [06/01/2003]

  • Many athletes would agree that training and high performance is 50% mental… so concentrate on that part first.

    Current score: 0

    Whatsisname [06/01/2003]

  • If you suck the cream filling out of a twinkie then you dont get any of the calories.

    Current score: 0

    Mobbster [06/01/2003]

  • Break everything you eat in half. All the caloires fall out…then you can feel free to eat all of it.

    Also,all food stolen from anothers plate is free of fat.

    Current score: 0

    Angela A Flanagan [06/01/2003]

  • If you put in the hard yards, the rewards will pay them back – push the fridge to the couch then lie back and enjoy your beers.

    Current score: 0

    Pod [06/01/2003]

  • A Calorie is a quantity unit of heat. To consume less Calories only eat cold food. This is why the ice cream diet really works.

    Current score: 0

    Lizzie [06/01/2003]

  • Keep bacon bits (Bacos preferred) in your chip dip to give your jaw muscles a more vigorous workout while crunching.

    Current score: 0

    Joel Bays [06/01/2003]

  • What Are Your Exercise Tips?

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