There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.
There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?
And it’s even worse if you’re fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn’t be fat and lazy.
Never fear. We’ve got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*
- Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
- Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
- Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
- Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
- Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
- Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
- Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
- If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
- Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
- Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
- Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
- You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
- Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
- Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
- Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
- Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
- Redefine ‘normal’ to closer to ‘you’. Become a serial killer of thin people.
It helps to duct tape lead bricks to the cutlery and wear those flab-master flabtoning vibrator thingies all over your body.
look at it this way, if you were a chicken you would be sold first
If you eat a Mars Bar, and drink a Diet Coke, they cancel each other out!
If you want a quick workout tie a donut to your toes and put your feet in the air, then try and reach the donut. It’s very interesting.
Drink more: The more you drink, the more you whiz, the more you whiz, the more that comes out.
Eat food from only the hardest to open packages. Great for your upper back and lats!
Go to Mexico, eat all you want, I’ll guarantee you, you will lose much weight!
Instead of driving to McDonald’s, walk there. It’ll do great things for your legs.
Get a bank loan, get liposuction, turn the fat into soap, sell it, and pay back the loan. Easy!
Spin around in a swivel chair all day.
Get a fatter chick so she will keep telling you how thin you are!
Go on a diet where you can’t eat anything except fat and colesterol. After a few years have a heart transplant and do the same thing again. Eventually get to the Guiness Record book for the most heart transplants.
Eat lots of donuts. The holes let the fat and calories slip right out. The greasier, the better the fat will fall out.
Get up in the morning. If you are truly lazy, this is the hardest thing to do.
I used to weigh 160 pounds, and now, I weigh just 60 kilograms!!!
It’s all thanks to – The Imperial Metric Sytem.
Want to lose 10 pounds of unsightly fat?? SIMPLE – Cut off your head.
Only install fun-house “thin” mirrors in your house. You will always look great.
Go to your local duck pond and feed the ducks. That way you won’t eat the bread. You eat them.
If the chocolate bar says it contains 2 grams of fat, cut off 2 grams of the bar.
Since a calorie is a measure of heat, only eat ice cream and cold pizza.
Liposuction It takes a lot out of you.
Fat Free – 3,000 calorie cake. Its fat free don’t worry it won’t gain any weight.
To get a nice firm stomach put a net around your self and let kids jump on you.
A chainsw, coupled with a large amount of painkiller, can do wonders for your weight
To make your face young and firm, keep moving it. Eating gives your whole face a great workout!
To make life easier for yourself, lay on the sofa and stretch your fingers by changing the channel on the remote.
Buy a new TV. Your fingers will get a lot of exercise trying to work how the new remote works.
Tonsil Tennis is the best game to play. it exercises your tongue.
Try to trick yourself that you’re eating healthily. For example, look at cool whip n’ peanut butter! Cool whip is made from milk which has calcium, and peanut butter is made from peanuts which have protein! Therefore this is quite a healthy snack!
We weigh a third less on the moon, so move to the moon. Simple!