Where Evolution Is Taking The Human Race

September 12th, 2004
Charles Darwin

The father of evolution, Charles Darwin, demonstrates his theory that hair doesn't fall out but, rather, grows down as men age.

The world is changing. Global warming will melt the ice-caps, and turn the Sahara Desert into a terrific beach resort. There will be an increase in natural disasters like droughts, floods hurricanes and Mariah Carey comeback tours.

Environmental change isn’t new. It’s happened for millions of years and, each time, those species best-evolved to meet the new challenges flourish. Exit dinosaurs. Enter mammals.

So what does our future hold?

This month, we look at some of the exciting evolutionary improvements that are in store for humankind.

  • 104 fingers will make typing a cinch.
  • We will all develop ears with fingers to hold cell phones in position.
  • Fitness freaks will grow pedometers to automatically count their paces.
  • Ugly men will grow breasts so they don’t feel so bad about not having a girlfriend.
  • Our circadian rhythms will alter. People will have in-built video rental return rhythms to help make sure overnight rentals are returned the next day.
  • Increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will make people grow chlorophyll in order to breathe. Green thumbs will be normal.
  • Michael Jackson will be proved a visionary: everyone’s noses will disappear to avoid the smell of pollution.
  • Iron-lined stomachs will be required when McDonalds finally takes over the world.
  • Eyes will become bigger than our stomachs to cope with super-sized meals.
  • Between our layers of fat, there will be cling film to allow for easy separation by plastic surgeons.
  • The fingers on our right hands will only be five microns wide to enable us to dial our tiny phones.
  • Our buttocks will come with their own built-in armchairs.
  • Our eyes will be able to see infrared so we can easily see when the TV remote’s battery needs changing.
  • Our lung capacity will be doubled to enable us to suck out what oxygen is left in the ozone-filled atmosphere.
  • Women’s nipples will contain infrared-blocking agents to thwart pervy guys filming them with night-vision cameras.

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Where Evolution Is Taking The Human Race

Other things that will evolve

  1. Crowded elevators will automatically deodorise everybody below the waist to give midgets a fair go

    Current score: 0

    mick knight [25/02/2005]

  2. Cell phones will be genetically grafted into the right hand of men giving “rise” to a new meaning for “call” girls. Sorry, no cameras will be allowed in the future cell world!

    Current score: 0

    Cornelius [17/02/2005]

  3. Men will grow a brain.

    Current score: 0

    dick-man-pike g-morn-have-it [14/02/2005]

  4. As butts grow larger, humans will grow a windshield wiper between their cracks, so they don’t have to reach around to wipe.

    Current score: 0

    Forsight Future [04/12/2004]

  5. Humans will develep in-built alarm systems to detect whether the person they are communicating with is boring.

    Current score: 0

    Yen Buddhist [07/11/2004]

  6. Poeple will become smart, but blondes have no hope.

    Current score: 0

    Bird Dog [01/11/2004]

  7. People will develop sonar like bats so they will be able to navigate through crowded places without continually bumping into others.

    Current score: 0

    Lee Wardle [28/10/2004]

  8. The human race will one day evolve a Siamese nerd twin that will do all the shitty homework while the main human plays games and has fun.

    Current score: 0

    Kyle McNallen [27/10/2004]

  9. We’ll all grow defense systems in our fingers that prevent us from typing like complete and utter n00bs (more commonly known as retards)

    Current score: 0

    Silent Dan [27/10/2004]

  10. Due to fear of being wimpy, humans will exercise more. Thus, they will grow as strong as their primal ancestors. Shop lifting will once again literally involve lifting a shop.

    Current score: 0

    CozB [26/10/2004]

  11. Human males will develop laser pointers on the end of their penis to ensure they never miss the toilet again. Excessive alcohol consumption may still be proven to negate this evolutionary feat.

    Current score: 0

    CozB [23/10/2004]

  12. Human males will learn how to aim in bed. There will be no more fake orgasms. And everyone will be happy. Except for the nerdy guys over there who, despite being perfectly capable, will never have the chance to reproduce.

    Current score: 0

    Goldfish Poodle Boy [23/10/2004]

  13. Humans will evolve…*drumroll*…the BOOZE GLAND!!!
    (Unlimited production of alcohol and alcohol by-products)

    Current score: 0

    Some Weird Guy [18/10/2004]

  14. Scientists will discover the portion of the brain that causes headaches and neutralise it – thereby improving the sex lives of 80% of married males

    Current score: 0

    Capt Nemo [12/10/2004]

  15. Men will develope foot long tongues to satify girls. And there will be another “split” of the human race. There will be the lower class “human apes” who will shine my great great great great great great grandchildrens shoes, dig ditches, and other heavy labor then there will be the real humans.

    Current score: 0

    wanker mcjackass har [27/09/2004]

  16. After years of being thwarted by the police for trying to assasinate George W Bush, Democrats will finally evolve built-in-clones to be the perfect cover!

    Current score: 0

    Some Weird Guy [26/09/2004]

  17. Matrix Cyber-Punk Wannabes will be born with shades and black trenchcoats.

    Current score: 0

    Switch Laffalot [21/09/2004]

  18. 1 out of 20 people will be able to transform into a giant boat so that everyone can survive the flash-floods.

    Current score: 0

    Switch Laffalot [21/09/2004]

  19. People will have wheels on their feet to save precious energy previously wasted on walking.

    Current score: 0

    Switch Laffalot – I return! [21/09/2004]

  20. Utimately humans will be ‘evolved’ into three groups or shall we call them ‘castes’ – one will be the physical caste (strong bodies, strength etc) – your sportsmen, soldiers, trench diggers etc, the others would be your intellectuals (strong minded computer types) Your bankers, IT blokes etc. and the third one will be gorskys.com fans who the other castes will constantly try to destroy in order to futher better humanity.

    Current score: 0

    Capt Nemo [21/09/2004]

  21. We will develop ear flaps that close anytime we start to hear anything we don’t want to hear, and lips that temporarily seal whenever we’re about to make an ass of ourselves.

    Current score: 0

    Tower [20/09/2004]

  22. Humans will develop telekinetic powers to aid us in the ever recurring quest for the remote-control. This is also great for the journey of the guy-too-lazy-to-go-to-the-fridge-to-get-food-at-halftime. he can simply levitate the fridge TO him.

    Current score: 0

    Agentguy The Sheep [20/09/2004]

  23. People will grow thinner aems so you get arm rest at the cinema

    Current score: 0

    chris gillard [18/09/2004]

  24. Men’s penises will vibrate to accomodate women’s ever-increasing demand for vibrators

    Current score: 0

    farooq [16/09/2004]

  25. We will go backwards – we will evolve into water creatures, because of global warming that is where we will be very soon.

    Current score: 0

    HpN [15/09/2004]

  26. we will all grow those vibrating muscle thingys so we will never have to exercise again

    Current score: 0

    Jenny johns [14/09/2004]

  27. People in America will become so bad at voting that the President will be chosen by a special episode of Star Search…and somehow Florida will screw that up also!

    Current score: 0

    Scott (formerly scott) [14/09/2004]

  28. All religions will be combined into one religion that finally makes sense…and it will be called “Modern Day Saints for JUST DON’T BE AN ASS-HOLE!”

    Current score: 0

    Scott (formerly scott) [14/09/2004]

  29. There will be a patch for everything…medicine, food, erectile dysfunction, etc.
    There will even be a patch to help you “kick the patch” habit, but the new Sony music patch will somehow NEVER catch on!

    Current score: 0

    Scott (formerly scott) [14/09/2004]

  30. That little 2 inch bone in our backs that prevents men from blowing themselves will disappear. If that is the case, guys might have something better to do than reading this site.

    Current score: 0

    Aaron McCully [13/09/2004]

What do you think will happen to humans?

Comment