Using a simple hammer and a few nails, you can DIY a Taj Mahal.
Everything these days is Do It Yourself. Home repairs. Car maintenance. Regular orgasms (as in frequency, not whether there’s a pony involved or not).
This month, we give some of our favourite DIY ideas.
- DIY Moist Towellettes – Don’t run the risk of been seen inside a KFC. Make your own towelettes. Get a regular tissue, and soak it in water. Carry around wrapped in aluminium foil.
- DIY Psychotherapy – Don’t waste money on expensive psychiatry. Simply video record yourself nodding and looking sincere and sympathetic. Lie on the couch, and play back the tape while you discuss your childhood.
- DIY Whitney Houston Album – Save money on a talentless hack. Record yourself sining in the shower in a funnyvoice. Add a soppy synthesised soudntrack, then play it until you throw up.
- DIY Backstreet Boys Album – Same as Whitney Houston, but invite some friends into the shower too.
- DIY Microsoft Windows – Buy someone else’s operating system. Introduce lots of bugs, and brand with your own product name. A careful not to use the words “Microsoft” or “Windows”.
- DIY Idea – Think.
- DIY Electricity Supply – Electricity prices have gone through the roof, so being self-sufficient is important. Buy a lot of lemons. Insert a copper strip into one end of each lemon, and a zinc strip into the other end. One tonne of lemons will power your TV for an entire 10 minutes.
- DIY Big Brother – Video yourself watching yourself on TV.
- DIY Internet – Simply copy the entire Internet to your hard drive, and never bother about ISP bills again. Click here to download.
- DIY Modern Pinhole Camera – we all marvelled at pin hole cameras at school. Now DIY. Take black box, put pinhole in the front of box. Put digitial megapixel camera in box. Perfect pinhole pictures every time.
- DIY Nostrodamus Prediction – Wait for a major world event to occur. Write something eerily descriptive of the event and add the title “Nostrodamus” underneath. Email to everyone you know. Sit back, and watch the world panic.
DIY Tax Evasion Sue yourself, plead guilty on all charges, pay up and declare bankruptcy
DIY Orgasm f you’re reading this, you know how to use the Internet and thus need no further assistance.
Grover Montage
DIY End to a Promising Show Business Career some time in the next 6 months, suggest in a public forum that the USA is anything other than a benevolent, wise and inspirational home of freedom and liberty and that those who think otherwise are pure evil or mentally ill. (Warning- this really works)
DIY Racism Black up one half of your face and hiss "Go home" out the corner of your mouth on the white side.
DIY Plagarism Post something on the Internet, and then copy it.
DIY Depression For Men un out of beer.
DIY Satellite Paint a dish black,put some foil antennaes on it and duct-tape it to your roof.
DIY Religion Think of something illegal. eg smoking pot, having multiple wives etc. Make this illigal act a cornerstone tenent of your faith. Charge people a "donation" to become a members so they can practice this illigal act of worship. If you get caught just say God told you to do it (or you can say the Devil made you do it, either is valid).
Do It Yourself PORN Go out one night pick up a dude/chick bring them back to your place and have a video camera set up in a hidden spot…but able to see most of the bedroom and press record before you start ‘gettin it on’ and sell it illegally over the internet.
Out of chewing gum? Grab a rubber band and put some toothpaste on it. If you want to blow bubbles, substitute the rubber band with a condom!
DIY Christina Aguilera Shirt: Tie a belt around your breasts. …Skirt?: Cut the bottom of a pant leg off of your jeans and pull up around waist. Hair: Place bird’s nest upon head.
DIY humiliation loudly fart while in an enclosed space ie: elevator.
DIY contraception for ladies Don’t shave your pits or legs for a few weeks.
DIY contaception for men: Be yourselves
Do It Yourself Judge Get married and face cross examination on a daily basis.
DIY Stop the War Against Iraq Take a bat and go hit the stupidest president that ever existed without having the secret service catch you.
DIY House Cleaning Move to another house.
If you shit yourself involuntarily regularly, then why not do away with clothes altogether and just wear a garbage bag! At the end of the day, all you’ve got to do it strip off, throw away the soiled garment and grab yourself another! It’s just so easy!
DIY invisible buddy Walk up to a 5 year old, and ask them who they’re talking to? Grab the invisible dude and run.
DIY TV Place your younger sibling inside a box and staple the edges. put a hole in the front and watch them.
DIY “Silver Dollar” Take metal. Draw head on it. Give to a retarded cashier at Walmart.
DIY TV Trap four midgets in a large cardboard box, cut a hole in the side and place in living room.
Are you tired of Premature ejaculation when “doing it” with the one that you love? Then why not get a really ugly girlfriend or wife! It cures the problem every time and they’re really easy to get too!!!
DIY American Pride Stop thinking for yourself and believe eveything the evening news tells you.
DIY Crowd Control
Tired of those long, unsightly queues and annoying crowds? Simply poo yourself, scream senseless obscenities and flail your arms around violently. Watch those crowds and long queues magically disappear! Works everytime guaranteed.
DIY Air-conditioning Grab younger sibiling, hand them a large fanning device, and tell them you’ll beat them up if they don’t fan you until you’re cooled off.
DIY anthrax Replace your favourite biological wepon with talcum powder.
DIY Speed Coffee, black, no sugar, hold the water.
DIY kettle Get some aluminum foil and shape roughly into a bowl. Go to the emergency room at the hospital, steal a lab coat, find a patient with a dangerously high fever, place water in bowl, and place bowl on patients head. You should have boiled water in no time.
DIY WIFE Steal a mannequin and dress it up ‘your way’. Record some TV show with a lot of fighting and nagging on it and transfer this to a cassette tape. Place the mannequin in the kitchen and play the tape everytime you walk by.