Dating Tips For The Noughties

Chris Tomkins attempts to be the world's greatest lover: Mahir. More pics

Your suggestions

• Don't look for dates at family reunions.
  InSaNeFooL [6 Jan 2003]
• If a previous partner had dentures, check your bed to make sure they weren't left under the pillow.
  Debbie Thomas [6 Jan 2003]
• Advantage of Dating a Super Model: You don't have to buy for 2 people you only have to buy food for yourself. Advantage of Marrying a Super Model: You only have to goto the super market to purchase food for yourself. And if you marry a super model for a long time. Think of how much money you will save from cutting 50% of your shopping bill.
  Danny [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't tell her that she looks like a bird of paradise if she has a funny hooked nose that looks like a beak, and weird feet, and that she squawks when she gets excited. The result is not pretty.
  Suve Banerjee [6 Jan 2003]
• When saying grace, do not say: "dear lord, i hope this meal goes down as well as she will. amen."
  Damien [6 Jan 2003]
• If you're out to dinner to meet the rest of the family, make sure the tablecloth reaches the floor so when you stick your foot between your partners legs', the rest of the reastuarant won't realise. But make sure it's your partner and not a future in law that's sitting opposite you.
  Debbie Thomas [6 Jan 2003]
• For dessert you decide to take your hot date for a quick one in the bushes behind the rocks, make sure you check there are no walking tracks nearby with tourists taking photos of their surroundings.
  Debbie Thomas [6 Jan 2003]
• If the date is going slow, suggest that everyone in the restaurant (or wherever you are) take their pants off and fill them with whisky.
  Rosqa The Romanian Gypsy Child [6 Jan 2003]
• After you been pursuing a hot girl for a long time, and she has decided to go out with you, please remember to arrive at least 30 minutes late. This will show her that you're not desperate. I'm telling you, it's not worth the money you will spend, so take her to a McDonald's. This was supposed to be your one and only chance with her anyway.
  Raul [6 Jan 2003]
• Make sure before your date sleeps over that you hide the sheep in the closet.
  J Alden [6 Jan 2003]
• When you ask a girl "Do you want to catch a cab or bus home?" and she says "I'm not fussed". Do not, by any means say, "Fine... Walk."
  Tommohawk [6 Jan 2003]
• In order to ensure that you keep a sense of perspective, pin a picture of a supermodel on your kitchen wall and write above it, "today someone, somewhere, is taking her shit."
  phaedrus [6 Jan 2003]
• Try not to mention the other person you're currently dating.
  Jess [6 Jan 2003]
• Sticking food, fingers or any other object up your nose or in your ear is a sure turn off. Unless of cause your 14, then it works well.
  Jess [6 Jan 2003]
• If a bird shits on your car don't date her again.
  JamesB-funk [6 Jan 2003]
• For a cheap date, take her to Burger King, and load up on the refill machine without cups.
  Joe Mama [6 Jan 2003]
• Do not use the line 'i wish you were a door so i could bang you all day', the fines arent worth it.
  Mike Hunt [6 Jan 2003]
• Deflate the blow up doll and hide. disguard all used condoms and wrappers from the bedroom trash.and dont forget to remove the k-y from atop the nite stand
  paul cruz [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't take your date home for a 'quick one' if you're expecting your girlfriend/wife to be back anytime soon - this is what caused the 'big bang'
  Justin [6 Jan 2003]
• On your first date, don't your girl to the local dump to shoot rats. I know I'm a good shot, but most girls won't even get out of your truck to point out the furry critters. And when you get to the dump to shoot rats, don't give your girl the rifle. You might look like a "rat" to her.
  Bill Miller [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't tell her that you used to date a supermodel, that you met on the internet in a porn chat room. This will let them know how stupid you really are and you won't get any on the first date. Of course you can tell her about the time you joined the mile high club, without the assistance of a partner in the bathroom.
  Jason Felch [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't call your date a whore very five minutes and follow it with "just kidding".
  Ben psychowarmonkey [21 Mar 2003]
• "If your date won't put out, then put her out, and if your date won't get out, push him out"
  Ben psychowarmonkey [22 Mar 2003]
• Don't call your date a psycho bitch made straight from the blood of satan's testicle cancer. It has a very bad affect on most women, however if it has a good affect on her then get the hell out of there!
  Ben Bradley psychowarmonkey [22 Mar 2003]
• The question was "Got a great dating tip?" I've always found out if you try an' tip them, they slap the shit 'outta ya!
  scott quick [28 Jul 2003]
• Take a homeless person out; when the date is over it doesn't matter where you drop them off.
  scott quick [19 Aug 2003]
• When asking girl to dance at a party and get rejected, simply looked confuse and reply "No, I said 'You look fat in those pants.'"
  pat lse [25 Aug 2003]
• Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
  Glenno [30 Dec 2003]
• Be sure not to point out the "Blimp Effect" of those horizontal stripes she's wearing.
  Glenno [1 Jan 2004]
• Girls: Don't let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom. Follow him.
  Glenno [1 Jan 2004]
• Always wait for your date to go to the bathroom before asking the waiter for his number.
  Glenno [1 Jan 2004]
• Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finish.
  Glenno [1 Jan 2004]
• Don't say "My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?"
  Glenno [1 Jan 2004]
• Advice for the guys: Don't ever use this pick up line: "Wanna come over for pizza and sex?" You know some of us don't like pizza!
  Suzette Suzy [4 May 2004]
• Guys: Don't have sex with a girl the first time you meet and then immediatly after, say "By the way, my name in Bob..." Totally awkward.
  C [30 May 2004]
• After you've walked her to her door and she's inviting you in for coffee, don't reply with a "No thanks, I was expecting a blowjob "
  Spectero Franchetti [20 Dec 2006]
• Choose gifts wisely. Nothing says "I love you" more then buying her a weight loss DVD and a can of slimfast.
  Ryan D'Montigny [17 Feb 2007]
• pretend to be poor that way you wont have to pay for anything and $1.00 flowers will probably seal the deal!
  martin scarbrough [12 Dec 2007]
• dont show em naked pictures of yourself unless you have something worth showing off. nobody fancies the marshmallow man on ghostbusters.
  martin scarbrough [12 Dec 2007]
• if you dont like your date - run whilst the waiter is getting the bill.
  martin scarbrough [12 Dec 2007]

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