Chris Tomkins attempts to be the world's greatest lover: Mahir.
It’s tough being single. When you buy the “family value” sized Corn Flakes, they go stale in the box.
No wonder everyone wants to find true love.
This month the Gorskys present some great ideas on how to behave on dates, and wind up with the partner of your dreams
- Aim low. Too many people make complex demands like “must be kind, generous and sensitive.” Start at “breathing” and work your way up.
- When choosing a movie, go for the “two for one” movie deal on a first date. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted lots of cash.
- Don’t bring your mother along on the first date.
- Remember that, except in Penthouse Forum, a good night kiss on the door-step does not involve fellatio.
- Spend the night talking about yourself. This weeds out the dates who aren’t interested in you, and saves heartache later.
- It’s rude to give your date a rating out of ten before the main course is finished.
- Don’t ask your date to bring her mother along on the first date because you saw a great “double-act” in Playboy and want to see what it’s like in person.
- Romance movies are good. Porno movies are bad.
- Do what the other person wants, unless they want to rob a bank.
- Go to a restaurant where you can’t pronounce the names of dishes and order by pointing. It shows you’re not scared of adventure.
- Farting loudly is a good way of showing you’re comfortable with your date.
- Remember that the worst thing you can do to your girlfriend during sex is phone her. Webcasting the event comes a close second.
If you’re out to dinner to meet the rest of the family, make sure the tablecloth reaches the floor so when you stick your foot between your partners legs’, the rest of the reastuarant won’t realise. But make sure it’s your partner and not a future in law that’s sitting opposite you.
For dessert you decide to take your hot date for a quick one in the bushes behind the rocks, make sure you check there are no walking tracks nearby with tourists taking photos of their surroundings.
If the date is going slow, suggest that everyone in the restaurant (or wherever you are) take their pants off and fill them with whisky.
After you been pursuing a hot girl for a long time, and she has decided to go out with you, please remember to arrive at least 30 minutes late. This will show her that you’re not desperate. I’m telling you, it’s not worth the money you will spend, so take her to a McDonald’s. This was supposed to be your one and only chance with her anyway.
When you ask a girl "Do you want to catch a cab or bus home?" and she says "I’m not fussed". Do not, by any means say, "Fine… Walk."
Make sure before your date sleeps over that you hide the sheep in the closet.
In order to ensure that you keep a sense of perspective, pin a picture of a supermodel on your kitchen wall and write above it, "today someone, somewhere, is taking her shit."
Try not to mention the other person you’re currently dating.
Sticking food, fingers or any other object up your nose or in your ear is a sure turn off. Unless of cause your 14, then it works well.
For a cheap date, take her to Burger King, and load up on the refill machine without cups.
If a bird shits on your car don’t date her again.
Do not use the line ‘i wish you were a door so i could bang you all day’, the fines arent worth it.
Deflate the blow up doll and hide. disguard all used condoms and wrappers from the bedroom trash.and dont forget to remove the k-y from atop the nite stand
Don’t take your date home for a ‘quick one’ if you’re expecting your girlfriend/wife to be back anytime soon – this is what caused the ‘big bang’
On your first date, don’t your girl to the local dump to shoot rats. I know I’m a good shot, but most girls won’t even get out of your truck to point out the furry critters. And when you get to the dump to shoot rats, don’t give your girl the rifle. You might look like a "rat" to her.
Don’t tell her that you used to date a supermodel, that you met on the internet in a porn chat room. This will let them know how stupid you really are and you won’t get any on the first date. Of course you can tell her about the time you joined the mile high club, without the assistance of a partner in the bathroom.
Don’t call your date a whore very five minutes and follow it with “just kidding”.
“If your date won’t put out, then put her out, and if your date won’t get out, push him out”
Don’t call your date a psycho bitch made straight from the blood of satan’s testicle cancer. It has a very bad affect on most women, however if it has a good affect on her then get the hell out of there!
The question was “Got a great dating tip?” I’ve always found out if you try an’ tip them, they slap the shit ‘outta ya!
Take a homeless person out; when the date is over it doesn’t matter where you drop them off.
When asking girl to dance at a party and get rejected, simply looked confuse and reply “No, I said ‘You look fat in those pants.’”
Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
Be sure not to point out the “Blimp Effect” of those horizontal stripes she’s wearing.
Always wait for your date to go to the bathroom before asking the waiter for his number.
Girls: Don’t let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom. Follow him.
Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finish.
Don’t say “My old girlfriend, Lisa, was so beautiful. She looked kind of like you. I used to bring her here all the time. Do you mind if I call you Lisa?”
Advice for the guys: Don’t ever use this pick up line: “Wanna come over for pizza and sex?” You know some of us don’t like pizza!
Guys: Don’t have sex with a girl the first time you meet and then immediatly after, say “By the way, my name in Bob…” Totally awkward.