The Truth About Cyber-sex

We see them on TV every slow-news day. A couple getting married after meeting and falling in love on the Internet.

Is this your cyber-lover, Anne?	Or is this your cyber-lover, Anne?

It seems so common, but people are often scared to start a cyber-sex relationship. This month, GORSKYS.COMedy looks at the benefits, pit-falls and ettiquette of cyber-sex.

• You need to be careful that your dream woman is not in fact a 60 year-old man with a dodgy sense of humour.
• You can send your cyber-lover a :-) smiley face symbol, and eat the box of chocolates yourself.
• It's perfect if you want to have cybersex with a 60-year old man with a dodgy sense of humour.
• Many chat rooms consider it poor form to 'walk in' and shout "Who wants to have cyber-sex with me?" Rooms with names like "Christian Fellowship", "No Cybersex Here" and "I Love My Barbie" should be avoided.
• That said, it's great fun to go into the "Christian Fellowship" chat room and ask "Who wants to have cyber-sex with me?" just to make them angry. Beg for their forgiveness as a true test of their committment to Jesus. Then slip in a line about slipping in the tongue.
• Your wedding will be on TV on a slow-news day (and face it, that's most Saturdays).
• You are guaranteed your cyber-partner is lying, so there's no harm in you doing it too.
• Cyber-sex to the point of orgasm is banned in most public libraries.
• Make sure your cyber-partner is not one of your parents before aranging to elope with them.
• Make sure that your cyber-partner is in fact human and not some Artificial Intelligence program. You might love your new iMac, but offering to marry one is just embarrassing.
• If you do marry your iMac, make sure you get on TV. Hopefully, Steve Jobs will take pity on you and buy you a floppy drive. (Although a hard drive would be better).
• You can dump your cyber-lover just by changing your nickname.

Your Cyber-sex Tips

• Never have cyber sex without using surge protection.
  Kevin Jones [6 Jan 2003]
• Use a liquid proof protection cover on your keyboard
  Jake Wilson [6 Jan 2003]
• I plan to drink a bottle of Jim Beam, dress up as the Flying Nun and insist on giving every girl I meet a kiss. Some interesting is bound to happen!!
  Matt Tonkin [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't have cyper sex with Jacky Collins ..... you wont win
  Richard Pitt [6 Jan 2003]
• Never forget that digital photos of you nude sent in confidence to your cyber lover can easily be posted on 10,000 websites in under an hour. I should know, it happened to me.
  Dave [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't put your computer in safe mode thinking you won't get her pregnant..... I now have 10 cyber kids because of that myth
  Nathan Gilemore [6 Jan 2003]
• You may need to unzip your firewall to get the fullest pleasure, but be warned, this leaves you open to all sorts of viruses!
  Jack [6 Jan 2003]
• Always play with your dongles when having cyber sex. If you're feeling a bit kinky, get out those gender changers.
  Ged Hand [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't confuse Your out ports with Your partners IN ports...
  Thomas Fferikahn Kawalski [6 Jan 2003]
• I would suggess you to include some good pictures.
  Mandar Kajwadka [6 Jan 2003]
• Your multiple personalities can have each their own cyber girlfriends.
  Rim [6 Jan 2003]
• Hey, Not so much as a suggestion but a question. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TYPE WITH ONE HAND
  Nathan [Jerkily? - Liam] [6 Jan 2003]
• The Kama Sutra guide doesn't say anything about carpal tunnel syndrome. Remember to cyber ergonomically.
  Scott Petrovits [6 Jan 2003]
• She will be wanting a hard drive, not a 3 and a half inch floppy. Make sure you have plenty of ink too!!
  mike [6 Jan 2003]
• SCSI is pronounced "scuzzy", NOT "sexy".
  Patrick [6 Jan 2003]
• Remember: An anti-virus protection program is not enough!!!
  Meso funny [6 Jan 2003]
• Never press the p button when your having cyber sex.
  George Dam Lever [6 Jan 2003]
• If you have a flat bed scanner and you want to scan your bits so that you can send them to your cyber buddy, don't forget to actually wipe your scanner down when you're done.
  sharyn atkinson [6 Jan 2003]
• Always use a firewall protection.
  Mr Freak [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't have cyber sex with someone who turns out to be a 98 year old grandmother. Then don't make the mistake of meeting her 4 real and making love to her in her car. i should know i happened to me
  Dave Jones [6 Jan 2003]
• If at all possible, make sure you both aren't 50 year old men stalking 13 year old girls.
  Billy Bob [6 Jan 2003]
• Don't insert it into the hard drive. It might get stuck. i tried it!
  Big Tony [Actually, it's OK if it's 3.5 inches and floppy - Liam] [6 Jan 2003]
• Using the mouse adds a fun element of cyber-beastiality to the proceedings....
  Matty H [6 Jan 2003]
• Using additonal hardware devices is perfectly acceptible.
  Laura E [2 May 2003]
• Make sure that you can operate your mouse left handed
  henry o'hoolaghan [4 Nov 2003]
• I can find the F1 thru F12 keys, but where's the FU key?
  scott quick [5 Jan 2004]
• Calm down buddy! She said "megabyte", not "May I bite!"
  scott quick [14 Jan 2004]
• Always have a tissue nearby... my keyboard is STILL sticky from a few weeks ago.
  Anne S [16 Feb 2004]
• An internet forum is not a type of cyber sex foreplay
  Doe Ray [25 Mar 2004]
• Always make sure you have a cyber condom before inserting your CD into her ROM
  James H [21 Mar 2005]
• If she says "Give it to me" then you should hand it over.
  Jeff B. [17 Nov 2005]
• Don't mistake your hot cyber-lover with the fat Russian 50 year-old chick who's been stalking you. Especially if you yourself are a chick (50 year olds or otherwise).
  Ana M. [16 Dec 2005]
• Make sure you're not having Cyber-sex with Michael Jackson. Make sure your nine-year-old boys aren't, either.
  Roquelle Davenport [25 Dec 2005]
• always let the other person go on the webcam first
  hanky panky [13 Jan 2006]
• Firewalls do NOT prevent the risk of catching sexually transmitted infections.
  Ryan D'Montigny [17 Feb 2007]