Britney Spears worm - takes over your CD drive, and refuses to play your Avril Lavigne CDs.
Computer viruses are running rampant. Blaster (aka LoveSan), SoBig, AnnaKournikova. ILoveYou. It’s as if there’s a virus for every possible human emotion or desire.
Of course, you can innoculate yourself with anti-virus software, but how paranoid is that. It’s like using a condom – it may be safe, but it takes the thrill out of it.
This month, we list some of the computer viruses we’d like to see.
- George W. Bush worm – Masquerades as an anti-virus program. Invades your PC, deletes thousands of “suspected virus” files but can never find any actual viruses. Will take over your machine until it has destroyed everything.
- Nerd From School virus – Gives your computer embarrassing acne and braces.
- LoveSam virus – same as the LoveSan virus, but without the annoying spelling errors.
- Viagara virus – Hijacks your computer and shows you photos of naked women. Guaranteed to make your penis grow 6″.
- Microsoft worm – Reverses the effects of the Viagra Virus.
- Weapons of Mass Destruction worm – hides your mouse so you can’t find it.
- Free Speech virus – sends emails to all your friends telling them exactly what you think of them.
- Mother virus – refuses to let you use your computer until you’ve cleaned your room.
- John Howard virus – based on Australia’s Prime Minister. Turns your PC into a 1950’s typewriter.
- Hamas virus – causes your laptop to explode whenever you hop onto a bus.
- BBQ virus – literally burns CD ROMs.
- Paper Clip worm – your computer offers you help to do things you’ve done a million times before.
- Einstein worm – like the Paper Clip worm, but looks a little like Einstein.
- Microsoft Help Desk worm – lke the Paper Clip worm, but your computer charges you $5 every time it tells you you look like you’re writing a letter.
- Bank Fee virus – your computer charges you $5 per month, even if your don’t use it.
- Oops, I Did It Again virus – your computer sings whenever you press Undo.
- Elmer.Fudd Worm – changes all your R’s to W’s.
- Alzheimer’s virus – your computer cant’ remember what the last step was to undo.
- One Beer Too Many virus – turns your hard drive into a floppy.
- Red Bull virus – causes your screen to shake and disables the sleep function. may cause computer to crash.
Taxman virus Comes attatched with the Lottrey virus and reports your tax evasion to the authorities
Ahnuld Virus Your computer says “Hasta la vista, Baby!” and nukes a random town when you turn it on, runs for Govenor of California, and insists that it’ll be back whenever you turn it off.
Oprah Winfrey Virus Shrinks your HDD to 100MB then slowly enlarges to it’s orginal size.
Linux Virus A virus that pretends to be an operating system, but makes your hardware 100% incompatible
Car Key virus Every time you try to open a file it changes the name and moves it to a random folder so you can never find it.
Masturbation virus Every time you log on it shoots out a vibrator.
Saddam Hussein Virus Trains your hard disk to be a Weapon of Mass Destruction for your own files.
AnnaNicoleSmith virus Gets on your hard drive and eats…. and eats… and eats.
Beer Virus Gets large amounts of beer delivered to your house via online shopping so it can get you pissed and listen to your lame jokes as you talk on msn messenger.
Elvis virus Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Right-To-Life virus Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Oliver North virus
Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Star Trek virus Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Health Care virus Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Politically Correct virus Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
AT&T virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
Texas virus
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
Gallup Poll virus
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
Christopher Skase virus Takes all your data and moves it to Spain.
Impotence Virus Say goodbye to your hard drive.
Jerry Springer virus Turns your computer in a drunken redneck, marries your mother, dumps her because it’s in love with your dog and eventually your computer claims to be your long lost brother but nevertheless wants to be your sexslave. It also swears alot but everytime a loud beep covers it up. When you shutdown your computer, it closes with a final thought.
Toddler Virus Rummages through your entire file system, spilling the contents of each file all over the floor then smiles at you with beguiling eyes and jam covered cheeks.
Period Virus Only comes once a month, can’t be stopped, and seems to annoy the hell of you no matter how much you try to ignore it.
Girlfriend virus Gives you “constructive critisism” whenever you press undo. It never knows exactly what it wants so as soon as you finish doing what it asks it changes its mind and you have to do its new request
The Pro-Choice Virus Whenever you want start a download your computer informs you about the opportunity of aborting, if you feel too young too take the responsibility for a little download.
Guilty Conscience Virus Downloads spyware, adware, porn and other viruses, then feels ashamed of what it has done and deletes them.
Gorskys Virus Virus that never lets you leave this website… and is being downloaded into your computer as we speak. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (cough cough, evil laughter burns)
Wife Anti-Virus program Pops up when there’s a virus, but wont tell you what it is, because if you had been listening, you would already know.
Pack Rat virus Whenever you try to delete a file it saves it somewhere else on your drive (in case you might need it later).
Waiting For A Bus In Sydney virus Much like the Dublin strain, except with a longer waiting time and more virii at the end!