Heart-Starter Phone - This phone can provide a 180,000 volt shock. Perfect to re-start your heart when you open your phone bill.
Mobile phones are everywhere. They’re getting smaller, lighter and smarter.
Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson are fighting it out for cell phone supremacy, and keep adding more and more useless features. Calculator? Who needs that? Currency converter? With the price of calls, who can afford international travel?
There are some features that the next generation of cell phones should have. Here are our favourites.
- Super vibrate- If this feature is enabled, when the phone rings, it gives you super powers. Never miss a call again. The super vibrate phone will shake right through your jeans and onto the floor.
- Predictoscope – You can already see who is calling before you answer. Predictoscope takes caller ID to the next level, and tells you what they want to talk about.
- A full 88-key keyboard – Why settle for polyphonic ring tones when you can have an entire piano keyboard in your pocket?
- Videophone – Not the crappy video conferencing of existing phones. This one records TV shows.
- Incomprehenix – Makes the person on the other end of the phone sound like they’re talking through a tunnel (note: this feature is already available on many existing phones).
- Noise Cancellation – Press this button to cancel out the party noise while you call your parents to tell them you’ll be late.
- Auto-Talk Homme – Automatic artificial intelligence system that randomly inserts “Ah ha, yes honey” when your girlfriend wants to tell you about her day.
- The Sickifier – Makes you sound like you’re on your death bed when you call the office.
- Auto-Talk Femme – Like the Auto-Talk Homme, but feigns an interest in football.
- Visual Number Finder – This nifty feature combines your phone camera with its built-in internet connection to avoid embarrasing rejection in the pub. Take a photo of someone and it looks up their number. Great for stalkers.
- Meathead Saver – Designed specifically for use by professional football players. Automatically harrasses women by SMS text messages to let you keep on drinking.
- Predictive Text SMS – Composes witty text messages for you based on what you’d like to be able to say.
- Bluetoothbrush – Secret compartment in your phone contains a blue toothbrush.
- Cell count – Beefs up your phone call counters. This one counts the number of brain cells your phone has fried.
- Bluetooth Extreme – Turn your vibrating ring tone into an electric toothbrush.
- Spunk-o-phone – Has the same impact as six beers, and makes anyone you speak with seem attractive.
- Alarm – Automatically warns you of danger.
- Unobtrusive Call Waiting – Politely coughs when you have a call on the other line.
- Intrusive Call Waiting – Lets you butt in to a conversation with someone with Unobtrusive Call Waiting.
- Movie Phone – Tired of getting nasty looks as your phone chirps half-way through a movie? The movie phone automatically turns itself off when it senses an ad for the Candy Bar.
- Movie Phone Deluxe – Automatically text messages the Candy Bar asking for more popcorn.
- Snow Phone – Phone display contains a snow dome.
- Paranoialert – Lists not only the person you are speaking to, but all the government agencies that are listening to your call.
- Wealth-o-meter – Tells you all the things you can’t afford this month because of how much you’ve spent on phone calls. Optionally, you can set it to tell you how many more calls you need to make for your phone company to make a record profit.
Automatic Gorskys.com update facility For the webmasters it REGULARLY updates the site, and for the rest of us – sends a notification when this has been done!
Auto-Mass-o-meter Hold the bottom of the phone on your tongue, and it will tell you exactly how much you weigh, and how much of the weight is food you have eaten.
Auto-Massage-o-meter Set phone to “random vibrate”, lie down on your stomach, place the phone on your back, and get the most relaxing massage you’ve ever had! Set for 10-30 minutes!
TeleTaser Allows you to send a high-voltage shock to the other side of the call anytime, anywhere! Great for getting rid of pesky people who call you because they have no one to talk to and are lonely, so they call random people to not feel lonely and unliked, or just to hear people scream at the other end due to intense pain! Just be sure not to call me when you get this feature.
Conversation helper A phone that helps with your conversation by giving topics and answers to topics
Shows us where weapons of mass distruction are hidden.
Reverse Call Duration Instead of telling you how long the call has lasted, you will be shown how long the call is going to last if you pick it up. The benefits of this feature speak for themselves.
Teleawedgie Automaticaly gives the person your talking to a wedgie if they won’t stop talking.
Automatic condom dispenser Senses when you are about to get laid and chucks one to you. Never have an annoying “I’m pregnant with your baby” phone call again.
Shell Phone, looks like a large sea shell. If pulled over by the police for driving at the same time as using the phone, you can say “I was just listening to the sound of the ocean officer”
Phone Home One simple call does it all. On those nights out when you just can’t be bothered walking home, press a button on the phone and you magically appear in your living room.
2nd Shots 5.0 Automatically restarts conversation when it senses that you just sounded gay or stupid with your past remark.
Auot-pilot Phone automatically takes control of car and guides you safely through busy traffic so you can concentrate on sending those important text messages
ICBMS – And why not? They have everything else.
Naki-Pica You can take a picture of anyone with your phone and it automatically shows them without the clothing… naked.
WhoFarted 1.0 Tells you who in the room farted, solves disputes over “whodunnit?”
Girlfriend’s Friend’s Number Finder Automatically puts all your girlfriends hot friends numbers in your phone without you having to go snoop through her address book
Aunty-banner Blocks all incoming calls from your aunt about how your girlfriend is and how clean the behind of your ears are.
Shrink Button Is large enough so you can have all of the above gadgets, but shrinks to the size of your thumb nail so you can easily store it.
Oxygen Tanks For those burdensome calls you need to make in outer space.
SmellText Allows you to send a brief whiff of body odour to your date to confirm if you need a shower before the movie.
Annoyokill 3000 Emits an extremely high pitch sound to the annoying person on the other end of the phone giving them immediate cardiac arrest. Boom! They drop on the spot. No more annoying 7am calls when your totaly hung over!
Flask O phone If it detects that your parents are calling it will automatically dispense 1 and a half ounces of hard liquor
Mini Bar and Hot Tub Why not?
Self Replication detonation After you’re done with the phone call the phone will split in two, and one will explode just so you can have the thrill of “This message will self destruct.”
An automatic ham and cheese grilled sandwhich making machine.
Auto-swabbber While on hold, just switch on the auto swabber to clean your ears!
Magnifying glass Buy two phones if you lose one because it’s so small you can use the magnifying glass on your second phone to find it. Unless you lose both; then your stuffed.
Swear-o-tron 5000 Anyone who says anything bad about you will recieve a text message of every swear word the Swear-o-tron 5000 can think of. This can send a lot of messages, and cost a lot of money, so if you’re a prick no-one likes, it might be a good idea not to get one.
Microscope Same as magnifying glass, only for smaller phones.