Features We'd Like In A Cell Phone

Heart-starter Phone - This phone can provide a 180,000 volt shock. Perfect to re-start your heart when you open your phone bill.

Cell Phone Features Readers Requested

• Brie-dial - Connects you to anyone involved in the production of cheese and/or weak puns, in an instant!
  Christian Azzola [12 Jul 2004]
• Tone Stopper - Stops you downloading crappy versions of your favourite songs.
  Joy BAAAAAAAAAates [13 Jul 2004]
• Text Stopper - Stops you sending drunken texts to your Boss/Partner/Lecturer/Best Friends Husband.
  Joy Batessssss [13 Jul 2004]
• Photo Censor - Automatically senses and puts little red stars over bits of your anatomy in dodgy photos...
  Joy [13 Jul 2004]
• Caption-a-tor: Puts little speech bubbles on photos, with 'Hilarious' captions. 'Mine's A large one!' 'OO-Er, Missus' Etc. Hysterical.
  Some Bozo [13 Jul 2004]
• Real phone - A mobile with a phone function that actually sounds like a real phone, and not like you are talking through 20 layers of burlap.
  Drumstick Master [14 Jul 2004]
• Breath-O-Meter: - A handy device when leaving the pub, allowing you to breath into a small tube and gauge your alcohol reading.
  Colette [14 Jul 2004]
• Paris Hylton Quick dial - Why not...is there anyone she won't do?
  Scott (formerly scott) [15 Jul 2004]
• Auto-breath-o-equalizer - Automatically ejects the blue toothbrush when it detects a really bad case of halitosis.
  Marat Safan [15 Jul 2004]
• How long - Tells you how long an incoming call will last
  bob falobadob [21 Jul 2004]
• FingerPhone - Special shortcut feature that sends a PXT finger (the bird) to the mobile phone of the mongrel driver who cuts you off in traffic or is driving to slow 'taking in the scenery'.
  AB Yeah Me! [22 Jul 2004]
• SimpleMassagingService(SMS2U) - Sick of getting basic PocketNews for weather and horoscopes? Try SMS2U! Just set your phone to the all new 'variable vibrate' feature, stick in in your pocket and we'll send you a completely random massage for your pleasure.
  AB [22 Jul 2004]
• PocketBooze - Receive all the latest updates by SMS on what pubs and clubs are running the best happy hours, $1 Pots and $3 spirits. We'll get you off your face as cheap as possible! (Premium SMS Mobile Rates Apply @ $4.95 per SMS, higher for Sony and Nokia mobiles 'cause we feel like it)
  AB [22 Jul 2004]
• Ring Blocker - Phone prevents you from setting your ringtone to play really embarassingly annoying songs whenever you are within 20 feet of someone you'll ever have to see again.
  touchy feely [22 Jul 2004]
• In built bottle opener,
  Tim Carter [24 Jul 2004]
• AutoPix - Never miss a snapshot from your camera-enabled phone even when you not taking notice! AutoPix uses 'BodySense' Technology to establish the hottest babes/blokes at a club/party/rave/sidewalk cafe/church and takes a premium shot every time.
  AB :) [25 Jul 2004]
• Sexometer - Tells you in a percentage (0 TO 100%) how likely that the person your talking to will sleep with you.
  ChuckU Farley [4 Aug 2004]
• Panhandler alert - It has a preset recording telling people "Get a job, you bum!"
  ray finkle [8 Aug 2004]
• Automatic Gorskys.com update facility - For the webmasters it REGULARLY updates the site, and for the rest of us - sends a notification when this has been done!
  Capt Nemo [12 Aug 2004]
• ATM Deluxe - Allows you to withdrawal money from your phone, but puts the charges on the bill of the next phone number that you dial.
  ChuckU Farley [12 Aug 2004]
• Auto-Mass-o-meter - Hold the bottom of the phone on your tongue, and it will tell you exactly how much you weigh, and how much of the weight is food you have eaten.
  lisa [19 Aug 2004]
• Auto-Massage-o-meter - Set phone to "random vibrate", lie down on your stomach, place the phone on your back, and get the most relaxing massage you've ever had! Set for 10-30 minutes!
  lisa [19 Aug 2004]
• TeleTaser - Allows you to send a high-voltage shock to the other side of the call anytime, anywhere! Great for getting rid of pesky people who call you because they have no one to talk to and are lonely, so they call random people to not feel lonely and unliked, or just to hear people scream at the other end due to intense pain! Just be sure not to call me when you get this feature.
  Agentguy The Sheep [29 Aug 2004]
• Conversation helper - A phone that helps with your conversation by giving topics and answers to topics
  rashaun mr [2 Sep 2004]
• Shows us where weapons of mass distruction are hidden.
  HpN [7 Sep 2004]
• Reverse Call Duration - Instead of telling you how long the call has lasted, you will be shown how long the call is going to last if you pick it up. The benefits of this feature speak for themselves.
  Joel ObJoBeR [7 Sep 2004]
• Teleawedgie - Automaticaly gives the person your talking to a wedgie if they won't stop talking.
  Jey Tay [28 Sep 2004]
• Automatic condom dispenser - Senses when you are about to get laid and chucks one to you. Never have an annoying "I'm pregnant with your baby" phone call again.
  Menn .A. Pause [28 Oct 2004]
• Shell Phone, looks like a large sea shell. If pulled over by the police for driving at the same time as using the phone, you can say "I was just listening to the sound of the ocean officer"
  Susan Wardle [28 Oct 2004]
• Phone Home - One simple call does it all. On those nights out when you just can't be bothered walking home, press a button on the phone and you magically appear in your living room.
  Mel Pearson [31 Oct 2004]
• 2nd Shots 5.0 - Automatically restarts conversation when it senses that you just sounded gay or stupid with your past remark.
  Josh Steward [31 Oct 2004]
• Auot-pilot - Phone automatically takes control of car and guides you safely through busy traffic so you can concentrate on sending those important text messages
  alastair Hodder [2 Nov 2004]
• ICBMS - And why not? They have everything else.
  Kevin Brettauer [16 Nov 2004]
• Naki-Pica - You can take a picture of anyone with your phone and it automatically shows them without the clothing... naked.
  Alex --- [30 Nov 2004]
• WhoFarted 1.0 - Tells you who in the room farted, solves disputes over "whodunnit?"
  TheMan [25 Dec 2004]
• Girlfriend's Friend's Number Finder - Automatically puts all your girlfriends hot friends numbers in your phone without you having to go snoop through her address book
  T [27 Dec 2004]
• Aunty-banner - Blocks all incoming calls from your aunt about how your girlfriend is and how clean the behind of your ears are.
  St. Jimmy [12 Feb 2005]
• Shrink Button - Is large enough so you can have all of the above gadgets, but shrinks to the size of your thumb nail so you can easily store it.
  kevo bon [21 Feb 2005]
• Oxygen Tanks - For those burdensome calls you need to make in outer space.
  Overlord Willy [8 Mar 2005]
• SmellText - Allows you to send a brief whiff of body odour to your date to confirm if you need a shower before the movie.
  defin itely [26 Mar 2005]
• Annoyokill 3000 - Emits an extremely high pitch sound to the annoying person on the other end of the phone giving them immediate cardiac arrest. Boom! They drop on the spot. No more annoying 7am calls when your totaly hung over!
  Ya Mum [26 Apr 2005]
• Flask O phone - If it detects that your parents are calling it will automatically dispense 1 and a half ounces of hard liquor
  Nancy Indy500bo [6 May 2005]
• Mini Bar and Hot Tub - Why not?
  Almighty Ruler Of The Universe [8 May 2005]
• Self Replication detonation - After you're done with the phone call the phone will split in two, and one will explode just so you can have the thrill of "This message will self destruct."
  chris chris fayter [24 May 2005]
• An automatic ham and cheese grilled sandwhich making machine.
  david arnold [28 May 2005]
• Auto-swabbber - While on hold, just switch on the auto swabber to clean your ears!
  Russ F [31 May 2005]
• Swear-o-tron 5000 - Anyone who says anything bad about you will recieve a text message of every swear word the Swear-o-tron 5000 can think of. This can send a lot of messages, and cost a lot of money, so if you're a prick no-one likes, it might be a good idea not to get one.
  david arnold [13 Jun 2005]
• Magnifying glass - Buy two phones if you lose one because it's so small you can use the magnifying glass on your second phone to find it. Unless you lose both; then your stuffed.
  david arnold [13 Jun 2005]
• Microscope - Same as magnifying glass, only for smaller phones.
  david arnold [13 Jun 2005]
• Condom machine - Because you never know when you might get lucky
  Ryan Harrison [24 Jun 2005]
• GPS and a mini tracker so you can avoid all the people who annoy you. It has a distraction button just in case they come within 5 meteres of you so you can run away and hide. Also has an inbuilt alarm to tell you wen its safe to come out.
  chloe hugman [6 Jul 2005]
• In built home - This feature allows you to sleep wherever you like. Comes in very handy when having arguments with parents and when you are kicked out of your real house.
  chloe hugman [6 Jul 2005]
• A spa would be nice!
  mantelbrott set [23 Jul 2005]
• A recovery winch for my 4WD would be nice.
  mantelbrott set [23 Jul 2005]
• When you ring a takeaway store the food comes up out of your phone!
  Kenzi Osborne [22 Aug 2005]
• A phone that can be used to grate vegetables.
  Mick [1 Sep 2005]
• The Chilla - Allows you to put phone up against a can of lager you found under the car seat and "hey presto", icy cold beer in 5 seconds.
  Mick [1 Sep 2005]
• The ATM phone for fast cash
  Mixk [1 Sep 2005]
• A phone that has a built in cotton bud dispenser so that you clean your ears while taking a call. Perfect
  Some Bozo [1 Sep 2005]
• Swiss army phone - Wood saw, tooth pick, compass. Works in the wilderness, even if your cell phone reception doesn't.
  Adam [9 Oct 2005]
• A hang-up button on the phone that would give a loud "slam" noise like we used to do with old phones when you were really mad at someone and slammed the phone down to hurt their ear.
  Lee Williamson [20 Feb 2006]
• Built in tazer! Never get mugged again!
  Blipflip the almighty [13 Apr 2006]
• They will change the 9-1-1 emergency number that stupid people can't remember to Tommy Tutone's 8-6-7-5-3-0-9, thus saving many more lives!
  Scott Quick [1 May 2006]

What cell phone features would you like?

What would you like your mobile phone to be able to do. Send in your silly suggestions. we'll add the funniest ones to GORSKYS.COMedy