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How To Bring About World Peace
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This Miss Universe contestant was serious when she said her ambition was to "foster world peace."
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In a world fraught with war, starvation and malice, it's nice to know that some things never change. People have been attacking, starving and hating each other since time began. And before that, dinosaurs weren't known for their ability to get along peacefully.
Every year, the Miss Universe contestants claim that their wish is to bring about World Peace during their reign. Clearly, after over 50 years of competition, they've shown that looking great in a swim suit isn't actually all that likely to settle all conflict on the planet.
But it's time that something was done. We're five years into the new millennium but still the Palestinians and Israeli's hate each other, Iraqi insurgents and the US Army are at each other's throats, and Eminem openly detests Moby.
This month, GORSKYS.COMedy makes some suggestions about how World Peace can be achieved by the end of the year.
- We can stop Palestinian suicide bombers from killing Jewish Israeli's simply by converting all Jews to Islam, violently if necessary.
- If the Tsunami taught us anything, it showed us that natural disasters can bring an end to conflict as people unite in their grief. Wiping out the entire middle east in a horrific tidal wave would bring an end to the War on Terror, and have the added bonus of turning the Sahara Desert into the world's largest beach resort.
- As every boy scout knows, sharing stories around a camp fire is a great way of bonding and enjoying an evening. Suspected terrorists should be sent on a night in the forest with some matches, some pre-pubescent boys and a packet of marshmallows.
- Antartica is the only continent untouched by war. The rest of the world should follow its example and become a frozen wasteland.
- The Northern Ireland conflict is based largely on religious differences between Protestants and Catholics. The solution is clear: prove that God doesn't exist, and the two sides will have nothing to disagree about.
- The War on Terror can be over by Christmas. George W Bush just needs to declare victory, and it's over. It worked in Iraq, so why not everywhere else? Of course, the fighting and killing will continue, but we can just re-define "terrorism" as "hyper-violent negotiation".
- All wars about ownership of land could be ended if only people learned how to breathe under water and live at the bottom of the ocean.
- No turtle has ever become an evil dictator. This may be an important point for people to remember when next casting their vote.
- Many conflicts continue for years and years because negotiators have fixed positions, and aren't prepared to be flexible. Wars would end if each country sent in their gymnastics teams to solve disputes.
- Some of the most vicious disputes in the world are between neighbours arguing about over-hanging trees. A simple solution would be to refer all these disputes to an international body such as the UN Security Council, to vote on which neighbour is right, and then to send in a Peace Keeping Force to chip down the tree and live in each of the neighbours houses for 25 years to ensure hostilities no longer arise.
- Countries in which the citizens are starving and dying of easily prevented diseases such as malaria and dysentry are amongst the least stable and most likely to declare war. The Western world provides these with billions of dollars of aid each year to save their lives. Cutting off this aid would quickly eliminate the remaining populace, thus rendering the country empty and unable to declare war.
- The UN Security Council should be replaced by the Justice League of America. A team of superheros will act quickly, decisively and effectively. So long as Batman doesn't get to lead the team.
- It's hard for soldiers to kill each other when they're only armed with pillows. All other forms of weapon should be destroyed.
Readers' suggestions to create peace in our time
- Change the baseball World Series into something that really matters. Let every country in the Unoted Nations field a team, and the winner gets to rule the world for a year.
Alan Roberts [24 Apr 2005]
- Boobs! Lots of Boobs!
HpN [25 Apr 2005]
- Let's wipe out all of mankind. If there is no one around, we will have peace ever lasting.
Sebastian Weing [25 Apr 2005]
- Give everyone fluffy bunny slippers.
joy [27 Apr 2005]
- And soft loo roll.
joy [27 Apr 2005]
- And make angry people laugh by tickling them with huge wafty feathers until they forget why they were angry.
joy [27 Apr 2005]
- Or, you could just tranq the water systems...
joy [27 Apr 2005]
- Send in Supernanny. All evil dictators tend to be like children throwing tanties anyway
Darren Emslie [27 Apr 2005]
- Put marijuana in the UN's coffee, just like in Ali G. They'll be relaxed and high in minutes, and then there'll be no more of these petty little wars, since when you're high, everything's good.
Silent Dan [27 Apr 2005]
- Take all their damn women, then tell them, UNLESS we get world peace, right here, right now, we're gonna send 'em straight back!
mantlebrott sit [29 Apr 2005]
- Choose two primary school kids to pick teams, dividing the world in half, and then move one half to mars, and one half to some other planet, then let the two kids be world leaders. Easy as A,B,C.
Lisa H [1 May 2005]
- Make a weapon so destructive and terrible and use cute acronyms like M.A.D (Mutually Assured Destruction) so nobody dare start a war, Oh Sh*t, Let's try something else!
Cyn Icle [3 May 2005]
- I see so many different types of condoms in shops these days that I ask myself why the hell aren't we trying them all out?! With all that shagging going on there would be no time for wars!!!!!
stef baroni [3 May 2005]
- Send in Walker Texas Ranger. He'll sort em out or shoot em out, then at the end we can all gather around a bbq and laugh at some 'witty' remark until the frame freezes and the credits roll.
tess f [3 May 2005]
- One word: Booze! if the world is all drunk, they can't wage war, cuz they're too drunk! and the next day, they're too hungover to wage war! Rinse and repeat...mmm...booze...
Agentguy The Sheep [4 May 2005]
- WWE Style wrestling - Take all the world leaders, terrorist leaders, break away extremist groups, disgruntled postal workers etc. Place them into an organisation similar to the WWE. Give them stupid names like Bushmad, Blackcoffi, Osama. And let them beat it out of each other with unbelievable moves in front of millions of people.
Capt Nemo [5 May 2005]
- Ban reality TV, don't allow Americans to vote, replace taxes with mandantory end of the year blow jobs, eat more ice cream, get at least 3 hours a day of sunlight, and ban any communication with in-laws.
Nancy Indy500bo [6 May 2005]
- The united nations (edit in fanfare here) would have a lamington drive, coupled with a moratorium on handing in all WEAPONS of mass, moderate and mediocre destruction, fire arms, boomerangs AND vaguely disparaging adjectives, to be stockpiled and used against those dirty rotten backsliders of countries that don't participate. Ooops- not you but yanks, we love you's all. (Edit in sound of incoming ICBM.)
mantlebrott bits [6 May 2005]
- Send in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, we'll sort this world out...
Capt Nemo [7 May 2005]
- Kill everyone. Problem solved!
paul voveris [8 May 2005]
- Develop alternative sources of renewable energy! (OK, that doesn't stop fundamentalism, but it might stop Bush.)
paul v [8 May 2005]
- Free Nelson Mandela...again!
Christian Azzola [9 May 2005]
- All we have to do is let Bush do what ever he wants to do. In a few years, we'd all be dead, and then the only problems would be between squids... I like sqiuds.
Pablo de Asia [15 May 2005]
- Marijuana Bombs - Instead of blowing them up with regular missiles just drop weed bombs. You'd have one happy country ready for invasion. Actually they'd probably find the whole situation rather funny.
Capt Nemo [15 May 2005]
- Wait... as soon as Harry defeats You Know Who, we will all be safe!
HpN [16 May 2005]
- Everyone gets a dancing robotic monkey with a hat! It will make everyone so happy that war would not be needed again!
HpN [16 May 2005]
- Have everyone go to an Usher concert, so they discover for themselves... the real enemy.
nick MUZZ [17 May 2005]
- Make it mandatory to draft all politicians, Presidents and Prime Ministers into their respective armies.
MAGGIE M [18 May 2005]
- (assuming "world" refers to earth) Move mankind to a different plannet.
chris chris fayter [20 May 2005]
- Go on a good old fashioned 60's Freakout
??? ??? [21 May 2005]
- Send my gran round. She can nag the evil ones to give up their weapons.
martin scarbrough [23 May 2005]
- Insist that all world leaders be tranfered to front line combat units in times of war
lobo [25 May 2005]
- I still say boobs will bring about world peace....
*looks around*
HpN [26 May 2005]
- Get Hawaii to make more than one goddamn pizza flavour
Zerro Lazaro [27 May 2005]
- Give everyone weed. We're all happy when on weed, so have Osama Bin Laden light up a joint and pass it to George Bush, we're all happy!
Brownie Boo [29 May 2005]
- Buy them all loads of beers, because have you noticed you rarley hear from people who owe you a drink.
martin scarbrough [3 Jun 2005]
- Send the terorists free Playboy mags. That should take some time off their hands.
martin scarbrough [10 Jun 2005]
- Institute an "eat-what-you-kill" policy. B&B, (Bush and Bin Laden) duo would have their fridges full. Doubt if they'd have the appetite...
Ilari Rahja [11 Jun 2005]
- Spray gasoline over opposing nations and drop a match.
L'Arangel Gaspe [15 Jun 2005]
- Coat all the mean people in honey and then throw bears at them that have been poked with sticks for two weeks.
Lute Artur [15 Jun 2005]
- Copy the Americans and start wars with other countries! It will bring us one step closer to peace!
Possom [21 Jul 2005]
- Turn up the outside stereo speakers on the international space station to 4,000,000 decibels and say "THIS IS GOD!!!....DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!" Problem solved: World peace in our time.
mantelbrott set [24 Jul 2005]
- Surgeon General's notice (to be attached to all military uniforms): "Fighting may be hazardous to your health".
Ilari Rahja [7 Aug 2005]
- There IS no hope-
Frodo failed!.....Bush has the ring!!!!
mantelbrott set [16 Aug 2005]
- Educate the world of the joys of chocolate.Then tell them they will only get some if the get along.
Sheepboy [27 Aug 2005]
- Make love, not war - Condoms are cheaper than guns.
Evil Rabbit [29 Aug 2005]
- Threaten every non-pacifist that you'll force them to read articles on GORSKYS.COMedy should they not comply to the pacifist ideologies.
Goldfish Poodle Boy [1 Sep 2005]
- Make it a crime to have an opinion. All wars stem from a difference in opinion between the two sides, so if we were all unopinionated, then there would be no need for any more wars.
Anonymous Dude [19 Sep 2005]
- Turn every country in the world into Switzerland
O J [19 Sep 2005]
How would you bring about world peace?
If you've worked out how to impose world peace on the planet, let us know. We'll add the funniest ideas to GORSKYS.COMedy
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April 2005
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