Liam puts on some glasses and a white coat to look like he's a medical expert on the carrot gland.
We all have secret body organs that even medical science hasn’t discovered yet. We all know about the Carrot Gland that creates diced carrot for inclusion in vomit, yet no doctor has been brave enough to document this.
Some of these organs are revolting. Some cause enormous pleasure. And others are downright useless.
This month, we borrowed a CAT scan machine, and bring you a comprehensive list of the body bits that doctors won’t tell you about.
- Super Saliva Gland – makes it impossible to talk to a person you’re attracted to without giving them a shower.
- Beer Barometer – located in the intestine, this polyp absorbs the bubbles in beer, then releases them as an enormous fart when there is a lull in the conversation.
- Selective Deafness Follicle – in males only. Allows you to ignore your partner’s requests to do some housework, but still hear every score in the football.
- Nuclear Hair Follicle – located in the auditory canal and the nasal cavity of males, these follicles explode in huge mushroom clouds of hair as soon as you turn 60.
- Bad Joke Node – part of the central nervous system that kicks in as soon as you become a father, it makes you laugh at your own bad jokes.
- Post-Coital Hormone Release Valve – located near the hippocampus in the brain. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, flooding the body with temazepam, inducing sleep. Male only.
- Post-Coital Conversational Bullshit Valve – located in the back of the throat. Within 13.5 seconds of coitus, this valve opens, inducing you to say stuff like “You were great”, “That was fantastic”, and “No, no, I like lying in the wet spot”. Female only.
- Selective Memory Neurone – Allows you to remember that you left the car keys in a special place, but not where that place is.
- Yellow Food Dye Gland – Located in the bladder. Activated by excessive Vitamin B intake.
- “I won’t get a hangover” Neuro-Centre – Kicks in with your fifth beer.
- Baskin-Robbins Centre – part of the brain that gives you a head ache when you eat icecream too quickly.
- Up-sell Axon – Part of the brain that is activated and causes a “Yes” response when someone asks if you’d like fries with that.
Body Bits Doctors Won’t Tell You About
Hypothalamus analus interruptus that part of a guys brain that activates when he’s intoxicated and makes him believe that the woman he’s rooting won’t even notice if he tries to bonk her up the bum.
Internal Alcohol Meter llows the body to discern exactly when it’s had enough to drink (note- incapacitated by presence of alcohol).
Anal Optic Nerve – runs down the length of the body and connects the eye ball with the anus. Responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. To test for the presence, pluck a hair from your arse and see if it brings a tear to your eye.
Greater Bitch Gland This gland is activated when the owner of the gland does not get his/her way. Upon release of the hormones, severe bitching is induced and can only be satiated when they get their way. Bitching causes severe irritation and headaches to bystanders.
"I Can Do It Myself" Gland found mainly in males. Causes one to believe they can save money by completing a project on their own, even without the slightest bit of experience. Effect magnified by rising prices of plumbers, mechanics, and electricians and the growing number of Do-It-Yourself stores across the country.
Benzole Depleting Capillaries Found throughout the body of the male Homo Sapiens. Main action seems to be the depletion of all available power sources in automobiles, at very "inconvenient" times and even more remote places. Strangely enough, the presence of a female acts as a catalyst.
Excuse Neuron Causes random excuses to be put forth by the owner. These excuses do not work most of the time, an example being the "I didn’t know she was underage" excuse. May cause extreme social and emotional problems if used too often. The already useless excuses are further dulled by the presence of alcohol or THC, and at times the owner may be reduced to gibberish.
Spending gland Activated whenever shopping. This behind the eyes gland is working in all stores so that when you see something NEW and GREAT and FUN you have to buy it. The more expensive and shitty the item is, the harder this gland works. Also works in dressing rooms, making something look really great in the store and then when taken home it looks like shit on you. Larger in females than males.
Farting Strings Stings located just inside the anus which vibrate during fart emissions creating the musical note. High pitched farts are the result of the strings being too tightly tuned and low pitched farts are the result of slack farting strings. Over exhuberant farting can also damage or even snap the farting stings, this can only be fixed by a highly trained farting string tuner.
Coital Muscular Syndrome Causes strange and often frightening faces to be pulled immediately prior to coital climax.
The Grease Gland causes imense amounts of grease to be deposited into the hair also producing heavy, blizzard-like dandruff.
Sphincter Blowback Muscle The valve-type muscle within the sphincter which prevents massive internal explosion when intoxicated campfire-mates attempt to light their own farts
Alchobreath Gland Situated at the back of the mouth, this gland secretes just-over-the-legal-amount of alchohol into each exhalation of air from the lungs (whether you’ve been drinking or not).
Activated when a policeman says "Just blow into this please sir…."
Grumbling Granny Gland When you are hungry & you don’t get the food in time your stomach will grumble for food only because of this gland, this will make you feel embarrased in the public, coz of the sound produced.
Sucky-sockomitus Happens when a drunk male asks a female he’d never ask while sober to "suck me." The female instinctivly socks him in the crotch, believing he said "Sock me." Pain may be delayed for a few seconds while the male catches his breath,and the female walks off.
Nervous Reaction Gland Located at the back of the throat, the NRG can detect when the victim is in serious situation, eg: being in major trouble at home, school, or work, and causes the victim to laugh or giggle.
Frontal lobe defence system the bone-strapped region of the forehead designed for swift application to noses of guys who ask for head jobs in nightclubs.
Satan-secretion gland Located on one side of brain, causes victim to run red lights, steal from charities, lie about certain consentual relationships, knock down children in their way, and watch reality shows.
Selective Crimsonising Gland This curious body part seems to only activate when talking to the one you like. Effects of gland activation are the face turning an acutely embarrassing shade of crimson, followed by the inevitable need to run away
The ‘Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat’ Gland The gland (located in bodies of comedians and assholes only) that tempts you to answer honestly whenever you are asked this question.
Perve Rods Located in the eye. When a member of the opposite sex comes into your peripheral vision these normally flacid rods spring to attention enabling you to zoom in on an arse up to 250 meters away on a crowded street.
Facial Telepathy Gland Located deep within the facial tissue, this clever little bugger quickly produces a large protruding whitehaed just prior to a major event.
The Arctic River System A group of neurons located in the oral mucosa, causing the individual to become frozen at the mouth in the presence of an attractive member of the opposite sex.
2nd Stomach – If you’ve ever been to a restaurant, you may have noticed that at the end of a meal, you’re completely full. And yet somehow you still have room for at least six deserts. Why oh why can does such a thing happen? Why can we have room for a pound of jelly and a kilo of ice cream, yet no room for that last piece of steak? Obviously, we have a second stomach. Maybe even a third or fourth, like a cow. Think about it.
The Ultralocator Now you understand why women can find EVERYTHING, while men seem to lose everything they own.
Automatic Toothache Pain Block Kicks in as you finally call the dentist for an apointment because of a bad toothache, then shuts down again when your told there’s a three week wait.
Swivel neck syndrome Occurs in males from the age of 13. Whenever they see something blonde and skinny and female, they spin their heads around at an alarming speed. Nevermind that they may already be in the company of another female. And holding her hand. It especially occurs whilst driving. This action is usually followed shortly after by a smack in the back of the head.
Romantic Aroma Gland cause the release of a romantic aroma from the anal region when in romantic mood. eg: first date etc
Projectile Toe Nail Muscle causes toe nails to be proppelled at high velocity when company is in the room during clipping.
Foot-in-mouth Gland located near pituatary gland, causes the person to say something incredibly stupid, usually activated in puberty and stays activated forever.