We've all been bitten by jelly fish. We know how painful they can be, and how the only cure is household vinegar.
The cure for love can be much more simple.
A quick bullet to the head is often effective. Either your own or your lover's will do. Please bear in mind though that topping yourself is not a crime, murdering your lover is, and usually brings a sentence of around 20 years.
20 years in gaol is a long time to be brutalised daily.
It's a long time to be treated nicely daily, if you think about it. A bloody long time.
Not in geological terms, obviously. In the life of a rock, 20 years is the same as the act of losing your virginity for the average male human – 1 minute 22 seconds.
But people aren't rocks. Obvious, if you think about it. Some rocks – known as marble statues – look like people, but they aren't. Watch out for that. It's easy to get confused.
People are people, and it's illegal to kill them.
Even in the Northern Territory.
But we digress. We're talking love cures, not murder sentences or geology.
The most frequent way to end a relationship is never to call. How people dumped each other before the invention of telephones, we'll never know. Just imagine the conversations.
She: You don't love me any more.
He: I do love you.
She: You never call me.
He: There are no phones, you fool.
She: Don't call me a fool. I'm a futurist.
A far crueler way to cure being in love is the infamous Dutch oven. There comes a time in every relationship when farting in bed becomes acceptable. After this point, the Dutch oven has to become increasingly violent to be effective.
We recommend tying your partner up, eating a can of baked beans and a slab of VB, placing the helplessly bound partner under the doona and letting rip, but don't over-do it. As mentioned above, murder is a crime.
The least effective way of leaving someone is to marry them.
Good luck!
