Using a nicotine patch before shagging will make you feel like you've had a post-bonk cigarette, avoiding the need for sex altogether.
You know the drill. Your first chance for a shag in so long that you think your virginity may have grown back. And just when you’re about to get down and dirty, you realise you’re out of condoms.
Disaster!
Or is it?
There are literally hundreds of things around your home that can be pressed into service as a contraceptive in an emergency.
This month, we got inspired by Chris’ band Man Bites God. Well, actually, we just decided to steal the concept (and most of the jokes) from their song Improvise, add some of our own, and repackage it as entirely new material. This does mean that, for the first time ever, you can hear a musical version of a GORSKYS.COMedy article.
And it gives us an opportunity to look at some of our favourite ways of preventing pregnancy.
- Not only does Glad Wrap keep sandwiches fresh, it’s also a fantastic condom. Just be sure to throw it away later or your mum may stop putting mayonnaise on your salad roll.
- Why use a vaginal sponge when there’s a perfectly good sea sponge in the bath?
- Going to the doctor for a diaphragm is expensive and time consuming. Try a shower cap instead.
- In medical trials, up to 40% of testers experience the medical beenfit of the drug being tested when they pop the sugar pill placebo. So, if you’ve forgotten to take the Pill, why not pop a Pez?
- Some people use foaming tablets to act as a spermicide. If you don’t have any, why not try a Alka Seltzer.
- Contraception is all about stopping the sperm meeting the egg. If you don’t know the person you are shagging, it will be impossible to introduce them.
- The rhythm method is unreliable if you’ve forgotten where you’re up to. But putting on some Drum ‘n Bass techno will give you a whole new rhythm.
- Feeling extra horny? There are 10 fingers on the rubber gloves under the kitchen sink.
- Why bother with spermicidal gel when there’s a perfectly-serviceable jar of hair styling stuff in the bathroom cabinet?
- Spermicidal creams can be replaced by the whipped stuff in the fridge.
- Practising coitus interruptus is really hard. The man must withdraw his penis at just the right moment. Get help. Have her father walk in on you.
- Vaginal caps stop pregnancy. Baseball caps should, too.
- IUDs are little copper devices that are inserted into the uteris. In an emegency, the copper-topped Duracells in the TV remote can be pressed into service.
- Spermicidal jelly is OK, but strawberry tastes better.
- Prevent sperm leaving the penis by tying a piece of dental floss tightly around the base.
Attend a week long youth camp as a leader.
Stick a picture of Camilla Parker-Bowles over the face of your partner; there will then be no need for contraception.
Put a wedding ring on her finger, kills her sex drive immediately!
Super glue the eye shut,no sperm no pregnancy, also pops the wax out off your ears.
Date only Janet Reno looking women. No amount of beer would help! Guarenteed to kill any rising willy.
Do it up the bum, and to be extra safe, make sure it’s his bum.
Just point and laugh hysterically. ‘You’re gonna do what?? With THAT???’
Being pregnant already
God gave man the intelligence to create Playstation and X-Box for a reason. And if they don’t satisfy you, there’s always the power to grow a beard. Let’s face, Playstation + beard rules out any need for sex. And the entertainment of it will last a lot longer than sex, too.
Act like a complete dickhead, so she leaves. You can’t get her pregnant if she doesn’t root you.
Take a quarter and hold it between your knees. Tell your boyfriend, if he has change, you’ll let him have the quarter.
You look down at his privates and say”How cute! Can I pet it? How about a picture? ” Then you giggle hysterically as you fall off the bed.
Insted of a penis, use a crunchie chocolate bar, then you’ll only have choclate babies and there is no harm in them… you just eat em when ur feelin peckish.
Abstinence is the best contraception – try picturing your grandma blowing your grandpa – I think you’ll find all thoughts of sex will fly right out the window.
Taking mother wherever you go. Could there possibly be a bigger turn off for all concerned?
Staple your willy to the inside of your left thigh. Now you can get your rocks off on the train, tram or bus by simply crossing your right leg over your left 5 times every 10 seconds. The daily grind can now be someone else’s problem.
When you go to a party get a hot chick really drunk then lie next to her and wait till morning. When she wakes up she’ll has a real hangover and you convince her that you shacked it up. You dont actually do it, but everone else thinks so!
Surgical gloves. Put the most aptly fitting finger or thumb part on your penis, securing with a handy twisty tie from the sandwich bag box. Fill remaining fingers with m&ms, and pretend you are a £45.00 sex toy. if she’s groovy on Syndol, she wont notice the difference….either that, or she WILL notice and be totally facsinated by your rattling bollocks…and why you have six of them….
If it’s a cold day, a Mars Bar wrapper will fit nicely over your John Thomas. If that’s no good, a Twisties wrapper stuck on with sticky tape works almost as well. Life’s pretty straight without them.
Silicone sealant. It’s a natural (if somewhat smelly) liquid condom. And walking around with your knob out for 4 hours while it dries is the perfect way to get her in the mood.
Lets see…Tin foil, electrical tape, and rubbers bands….Check!
Apply as you see fit to the penis. Small amounts of bath sponge can be inserted under the rubber bands, making it ‘ribbed, for her pleasure’ that should always read: ‘for total hilarity.’
Using a Lush massage bar adds to the japery.
Lay your girlfriend (no, not yet) down on a frying pan for a few minutes prior to your tryst. Roosters can’t fertilise fried chicken eggs, same should apply here…
Everyone knows, from the movies “Innerspace” and “Fantastic Voyage” that people can be shrunk and put inside other people. Just hire Arnie or Jackie Chan to kick some sperm arse!!
Don’t bother. The resulting child will provide you all your contraceptive needs in future.
Ladies! Just turn into a sex object. When he asks for sex, just object.
Just get your partner to lubricate her thighs and keep them together really tightly. It’ll feel pretty similar. For you. It’ll be shithouse for her.
Try the new MCI “Friends and Family” plan. Put your cell-phone on vibrate, sit on it, and have all your friends and family call all night and all day.
If you’ve ever had orthodontic work done on your teeth, you’ll know that sometimes there’s sharp little metal bits that your tongue or lips or whatnot will get attached to. So, they give you wax that can be moulded into all sorts of shapes just by adding a little heat (like from your fingers). This is used to prevent the act of swallowing water from tearing your tongue in half. So, the answer is obvious, mould tooth wax onto your genitalia.
Date Lorena Bobbitt!
Two words: “Drain-o Douche”