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Alternative Contraceptive Methods
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Using a nicotine patch before shagging will make you feel like you've had a post-bonk cigarette, avoiding the need for sex altogether.
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You know the drill. Your first chance for a shag in so long that you think your virginity may have grown back. And just when you're about to get down and dirty, you realise your out of condoms.
Disaster!
Or is it?
There are literally hundreds of things around your home that can be pressed into service as a contraceptive in an emergency.
This month, we got inspired by Chris' band Man Bites God. Well, actually, we just decided to steal the concept (and most of the jokes) from their song Improvise, add some of our own, and repackage it as entirely new material. This does mean that, for the first time ever, you can hear a musical version of a GORSKYS.COMedy article.
And it gives us an opportunity to look at some of our favourite ways of preventing pregnancy.
- Not only does Glad Wrap keep sandwiches fresh, it's also a fantastic condom. Just be sure to throw it away later or your mum may stop putting mayonnaise on your salad roll.
- Why use a vaginal sponge when there's a perfectly good sea sponge in the bath?
- Going to the doctor for a diaphragm is expensive and time consuming. Try a shower cap instead.
- In medical trials, up to 40% of testers experience the medical beenfit of the drug being tested when they pop the sugar pill placebo. So, if you've forgotten to take the Pill, why not pop a Pez.
- Some people use foaming tablets to act as a spermicide. If you don't have any, why not try a Alka Seltzer.
- Contraception is all about stopping the sperm meeting the egg. If you don't know the person you are shagging, it will be impossible to introduce them.
- The rhythm method is unreliable if you've forgotten where you're up to. But putting on some Drum 'n Bass techno will give you a whole new rhythm.
- Feeling extra horny? There are 10 fingers on the rubber gloves under the kitchen sink.
- Why bother with spermicidal gel when there's a perfectly servicable jar of hair styling stuff in the bathroom cabinet?
- Spermicidal creams can be replaced by the whipped stuff in the fridge.
- Practising coitus interruptus is really hard. The man must withdraw his penis at the just right moment. Get help. Have her father walk in on you.
- Vaginal caps stop pregnancy. Baseball caps should too.
- IUD's are little copper devices that are inserted into the uteris. In an emegency, the copper-topped Duracell's in the TV remote can be pressed into service.
- Spermicidal jelly is OK, but strawberry tastes better.
- Prevent sperm leaving the penis by tying a dental floss tightly around the base.
What other people use
- Take one matchstick, light a candle, and pour the wax on. Perfect sealant!
Silent Dan [17 Jan 2004]
- If you think a diaphragm is a pain-in-the-ass, you're not putting it in the right place!
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- Participate in phone sex, but always sterilize the receiver first. (Not recomended for virgins.)
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- Sit on Pinocchio's face and repeat,"lie to me, lie to me"...
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- Date Lorena Bobbitt!
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- Two words: "Drain-o Douche"
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- Try the new MCI "Friends and Family" plan. Put your cell-phone on vibrate, sit on it, and have all your friends and family call all night and all day.
scott quick [17 Jan 2004]
- If you've ever had orthodontic work done on your teeth, you'll know that sometimes there's sharp little metal bits that your tongue or lips or whatnot will get attached to. So, they give you wax that can be moulded into all sorts of shapes just by adding a little heat (like from your fingers). This is used to prevent the act of swallowing water from tearing your tongue in half. So, the answer is obvious, mould tooth wax onto your genitalia.
Goldfish Poodle Boy [17 Jan 2004]
- Just get your partner to lubricate her thighs and keep them together really tightly. It'll feel pretty similar. For you. It'll be shithouse for her.
brian vo [18 Jan 2004]
- Ladies! Just turn into a sex object. When he asks for sex, just object.
scott quick [18 Jan 2004]
- Don't bother. The resulting child will provide you all your contraceptive needs in future.
Katie [19 Jan 2004]
- Everyone knows, from the movies "Innerspace" and "Fantastic Voyage" that people can be shrunk and put inside other people. Just hire Arnie or Jackie Chan to kick some sperm arse!!
Switch Laffalot [19 Jan 2004]
- Lay your girlfriend (no, not yet) down on a frying pan for a few minutes prior to your tryst. Roosters can't fertilise fried chicken eggs, same should apply here...
Switch Laffalot [19 Jan 2004]
- Lets see...Tin foil, electrical tape, and rubbers bands....Check!
Apply as you see fit to the penis. Small amounts of bath sponge can be inserted under the rubber bands, making it 'ribbed, for her pleasure' that should always read: 'for total hilarity.'
Using a Lush massage bar adds to the japery.
veryANGRYjoy Bates [20 Jan 2004]
- Silicone sealant. It's a natural (if somewhat smelly) liquid condom. And walking around with your knob out for 4 hours while it dries is the perfect way to get her in the mood.
ChatRat [22 Jan 2004]
- If it's a cold day, a Mars Bar wrapper will fit nicely over your John Thomas. If that's no good, a Twisties wrapper stuck on with sticky tape works almost as well. Life's pretty straight without them.
ChatRat [22 Jan 2004]
- Surgical gloves. Put the most aptly fitting finger or thumb part on your penis, securing with a handy twisty tie from the sandwich bag box. Fill remaining fingers with m&ms, and pretend you are a £45.00 sex toy. if she's groovy on Syndol, she wont notice the difference....either that, or she WILL notice and be totally facsinated by your rattling bollocks...and why you have six of them....
joy bates [24 Jan 2004]
- When you go to a party get a hot chick really drunk then lie next to her and wait till morning. When she wakes up she'll has a real hangover and you convince her that you shacked it up. You dont actually do it, but everone else thinks so!
K-Man [27 Jan 2004]
- Taking mother wherever you go. Could there possibly be a bigger turn off for all concerned?
ChatRat [27 Jan 2004]
- Staple your willy to the inside of your left thigh. Now you can get your rocks off on the train, tram or bus by simply crossing your right leg over your left 5 times every 10 seconds. The daily grind can now be someone else's problem.
ChatRat [27 Jan 2004]
- Abstinence is the best contraception - try picturing your grandma blowing your grandpa - I think you'll find all thoughts of sex will fly right out the window.
brian vo [31 Jan 2004]
- Insted of a penis, use a crunchie chocolate bar, then you'll only have choclate babies and there is no harm in them... you just eat em when ur feelin peckish.
crazy las [15 Feb 2004]
- Take a quarter and hold it between your knees. Tell your boyfriend, if he has change, you'll let him have the quarter.
red edwards [22 Mar 2004]
- You look down at his privates and say"How cute! Can I pet it? How about a picture? " Then you giggle hysterically as you fall off the bed.
angel edwards [22 Mar 2004]
- Act like a complete dickhead, so she leaves. You can't get her pregnant if she doesn't root you.
Joe Bloggs [26 Apr 2004]
- God gave man the intelligence to create Playstation and X-Box for a reason. And if they don't satisfy you, there's always the power to grow a beard. Let's face, Playstation + beard rules out any need for sex. And the entertainment of it will last a lot longer than sex, too.
Goldfish Poodle Boy [8 May 2004]
- Being pregnant already
roarty girl - sydney [20 May 2004]
- Just point and laugh hysterically. 'You're gonna do what?? With THAT???'
Dubm Blonde [2 Aug 2004]
- Do it up the bum, and to be extra safe, make sure it's his bum.
Andrea can't tell [24 Sep 2004]
- Date only Janet Reno looking women. No amount of beer would help! Guarenteed to kill any rising willy.
flat lander [10 Feb 2005]
- Super glue the eye shut,no sperm no pregnancy, also pops the wax out off your ears.
mick knight [25 Feb 2005]
- Put a wedding ring on her finger, kills her sex drive immediately!
Cyn Icle [5 Mar 2005]
- Stick a picture of Camilla Parker-Bowles over the face of your partner; there will then be no need for contraception.
Cyn Icle [9 Mar 2005]
- Attend a week long youth camp as a leader.
boobie dippinlips [19 Apr 2005]
- We got a surefire method of constip...contraception over here, an' here's the secret. Lean in close now, NEVER date within your own species! c'mon Cheryl, lets get yer dagged an' dipped, its saturdey nite!
Kiwi Bob [30 Jul 2005]
- The best way to prevent geting pregnant is to not have sex, in order to do that, just duct tape your willy to your leg, therefore when you get a hard on your leg will fly up and youll kick her in the face knocking her unconcious, therefore making sex inpossible... unless you're a creep.
melissa jeffrey [18 Sep 2005]
- Obtain 1,000 online signatures & send the petition to outlaw orgasms to your local ultra-conservative lawmakers!
Scott Quick [2 May 2006]
What have you used in a pinch?
If you've ever used a stand-by contraceptive, let us know. We'll add the funniest suggestions to GORSKYS.COMedy.
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January 2004
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